One reading at a @*(#@)&#@& time!
You cannot care about the 30 year "consequence" because they are NEVER guaranteed. What you deal with is the number, and ONLY the number that is in front of you. Nothing more complex than that single one.
You are absolutely 100% right, fed up... your darn skippy! Negative is good, it means you're alive and still thinking... all good things, no?! If you are not rolling on the ground strangling this beast, trying to make it behave/obey... you're doing something REAL different than most of us!
So what SPECIFICLY is going on... you are among peers..... Let it out, put it into words... 100% guaranteed someone here has heard them, if just in their own heads. Put thoughts to words... lets pull you back from the edge.
We'll all take turns slapping your dragon around, we'll make it play nice. Talk to us.