Welcome Paige! You are NOT alone!! The good news is that you can decide to improve any day!
I find that checking in with people in this community gives me lots of reminders to stay in control.
I know a lot about diabetes and I love to research things. As my endo put it, I know what I SHOULD do. It's a matter of actually deciding to do it. I can tell you what I SHOULD eat, how much I SHOULD bolus and when to keep stable blood sugars.
Tonight I was feeling stressed and decided to eat popcorn and lots of chocolate for dinner. I enjoyed it. That is not OK and I do not encourage ANYONE to do this. Sometimes I wonder why I do things that I know that I shouldn't. My energy and motivation to manage life with diabetes comes in waves. I'm preparing for pregnancy in the next couple years and improved my A1c A LOT. So now I know that I CAN do it. I just have to choose to and stick to it.
Choosing is the easy part for me. Sticking to it is the hard one.
I have found that being in touch with other people with diabetes helps a lot and motivates me. So my best advice is to USE this community. Vent when you are frustrated. Share when you have a great blood sugar. Admit when you made mistakes. We are here to care for each other and support each other and encourage each other to live healthier!
If I were you, I would start with a plan of WHEN to measure your blood sugar and stick to it! One great piece of advice that I got: WHENEVER you see a high blood sugar on that meter, say out loud, "I'M GLAD THAT I CAUGHT IT!!" and correct it. Sounds silly, but it trains you to have more positive testing experiences.
I try not to think of testing my blood sugar as a test of how I am doing, but rather as a way to improve. If it's good smile, if it's bad, try to smile knowing that NOW you can act to get it lower. If it's low, then go eat quickly
Keep us posted on how you are doing!
I think that everytime I want to eat chocolate, I'm going to try brussel sprouts instead (I actually like them!). That will be my project I'll keep you posted!