Over my 45 years I have been through a lot of therapy thank goodness for the emotional side of my diabetes. I am very fortunate to live in the San Diego area and have worked with Behavioral Diabete Institute. Been diagnosed with major depression at one time, diabetes burnout and diabetes distress.
All I can tell you is once again, I am sitting here at the kitchen table at 2:30 in the morning wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I have FMLA set up at work and yesterday used it for the first time for my emotional side not the physical side of my diabetes. I just wanted to cry.
Just once I'd love for the disease to make sense. Just once I'd love for my planning to work the way it should.
Please don't get me wrong, it does for he most part. I must because I don't have any of those horrible problems we diabetics tend to get. But I'm just so tired of the battle.
Battle is the only way I think about it. I've never had burnout because I've always done all the things we are told to do. Insulin, check, blood testing (a lot), check, carb counting (yes some SWAGing in there), check, exercise (walking at least 5 days a week), check, doctors visits & labs ( every 3 months), check. So burnout it isn't. This isn't trying to get fired back up and doing what needs to be done. I'm just so very tired of doing the best I can and not seeing the results I want or think I need. Being a perfectionist with this kind of disease can kill your mental makeup. Wow I hate this disease and I think it hates me.
I know this to will pass but I feel so helpless. I know some of this is just I'm exhausted. Not sleeping well. I toss and turn and that darn CGM going off doesn't help.
Trying to change basal sis killing me. You know how it goes, you get two nights in a row where you drop over night and then the next two you rise. No reason for it just playing with your mind.
"Brittle diabetes"? Isn't that kinda the way diabetes goes? I know there are people out there working on this but wow this is nightmarish.
Like I said been working with the folks at BDI for a long time before they stopped their workshops, and I did a few studies with UCSF about diabetes distress but why can't we figure out how to help us cope with the make no sense most of the time disease.
I don't care at this point what we call it but is there help out there to help all of us cope with the mental side of this?