Let me start by saying I have never been one to be dedicated 100% to managing my Diabetes. Up until 3 years ago. Now, heading into my 11 yr anniversary, I wish I could go back in time and have a redo.
My most recent A1c was 7.4. Not good for someone who is hoping to have a baby!
I have my appointment with the scary eye doctor tomorrow to check my progress with Retinopathy. I am sooooo nervous it's gotten worse. It is currently Non-Proliferative, which I guess is good, as I was told I didn't need treatment 6 months ago.
The thing is, I always feel like I am doing well. Beside the days when I don't count carbs right, or are having ridiculous hormone spikes (which seem to last most of the month) or I am crazy low out of the blue. The I:C ratio during the week has to me different on the weekend and my basal also has to be adjusted lower when I work. It's like I can't catch a break.
I'd like to go on a CGM in the hopes that I can get some sort of clue as to what is going on, but when I had one for the weekend per my CDE it offered no clue. I occasionally see her for 6 weeks at a time to get things in order and I will leave with her feeling 100% that she "fixed me up" and show up the following week to her saying "are you kidding me? I really thought we had it."
At some point every day I feel out of control of everything, when it's usually just this thing I can't ignore or not stress about. I have a friend who is also T1 and thinks 235 is a perfectly normal BS. I feel 160 is bad so I know it could be worse.
Also, the stress I feel right now is not helping my BS. I have the sinking feeling that I might be pregnant. It is too early to take a test, and I am just not sure how I feel about that. I want to be. I don't want to be. Can we afford it if I am out of work due to complications. Can we afford a full maternity leave if I don't have enough time banked at work. I have a really great boss and amazing human resource manager who has assured me they would do whatever was needed to stretch my time. AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
I also HATE being the girl people feel bad for. I get that a lot. It stinks. I always tell people "Don't feel bad for me, I don't. I just do what I gotta do." The truth is though, I feel bad for me everyday. I also don't open up a lot about how I feel and that brings posts like this to fruition.
I actually feel a little better writing it down in a place where people get that I can feel bad,I can and need to do this from time to time just to let it out,and I won't feel judged. For that, I thank you all....