Last night I watched one of Bill's 1happydiabetic videos (this blog is in part dedicated to you Bill, you are an inspiration) entitled "One of the most important diabetes questions" and the question was "Have you really accepted your diabetes ?".
That brought me to an amazing realization, I was diagnosed 16 months ago and even though I KNOW I have diabetes I really haven't ACCEPTED it. My control is not bad Hba1c was 6 last time, but with about 1 hypo every other day. (I'm just too afraid of complications, I rather go low). Also I've been thinking about diabetes like 99% of the time.
And the reason why diabetes is always on my mind, is because she has been trying to tell me something and I haven't been listening, she's been screaming: ¨Hey, you better star to REALLY accept the fact that you ARE a diabetic, it IS a part of your identity, you HAVE lost something, there are things that you WON'T be able to do, there will be times when even if you had done everything right you WON'T be in control, some people will see you as being DIFFERENT, this is the way it is and the sooner you start to REALLY accept it, the better, otherwise you WILL suffer, much much much more ¨
It is very different to know that you are a diabetic than to accept that you are a diabetic. And it is hard. It's hard to accept that I'm not the perfect child my parents want, that I'm not the guy that can go out drinking every night my friends would like, that I'm not the perfectly controlled patient my Dr. would want, that I'm not the perfectly healthy boyfriend my girlfriend fantasizes with.
But guess what, once we start accepting ourselves the way we REALLY are, without having to put on such a thick mask in front of us, trying to comply to what our families, our friends and society defines as "OK" or "normal" but instead being open, receptive, and compassionate, then we can start accepting others the way THEY are, not demanding them to be what they're not and not demanding the world to be different than the way it is. Then we can be at peace, we can live a more authentic life, being true to ourselves, a life that comes less from our head and more from our heart.
When we start doing that, fear drops and love grows, because most of our fears comes from feeling unable to fulfill an image of what we are "supposed" to be, but that image is not who we are, it's just a mask made of all the stuff that society demands we "should" be, defining ourselves in a very narrow way and even turning us into slaves.
To be free we most learn to see trough that mask, trough layers and layers of ideas, concepts and notions of ourselves and the world.
And deep down, deep inside, we will find our heart, which is the heart of the whole world. That heart can become our refuge and the source of our lives. Because it is our true self.
I believe a good way to do that is to start to REALLY accept our diabetes, because with it we are actually accepting our humanity, which is full of flaws, mistakes and imperfections, but above all, it's full of heart.
Much love and appreciation.