I sit here, BLOWING my healthy eating with a tub of GU double chocolate ICE CREAM, wondering "Is this really my life?".
I aspire to be so much more. Everywhere I turn there are oceans of PEOPLE. Each and everyone trying to carve out a life in the time frame they have been given. Some content to being just as they are. Others rebelling the system of right and wrong. A small amount forging their way to financial success. Others in decline and bent on self destruction. If life were a TRAIN ride, I'm still sitting at the STATION. Looking for my ticket. Deciding what I want to be when I GROW UP. What DO I want to be when I grow up? Still the answer evades me.
I fall apart without ROUTINE, I suffocate without FREEDOM.
As my kids battle for supremacy you would think that world war three had broken out. My children are my life! But how they grow! They grow so fast I can't keep up! Looking back I wonder how I have survived the past 13 years! How am I going to survive the next 13???
But once they are GONE?? What will I be? No longer a mother will I be defined as a wife? When I fill out forms occupation: wife? retired mother? I'm a MOTHER which is grand, but I'm so much more. Next time I fill out occupation "Developer of Genus Homo Sapient" will be my answer. MATURITY is a full time job. Just when I think I may be mature I do something STUPID and prove myself Wrong!
Life throws at you what it will. Diabetes, cancer, CF... all tragedies in themselves, forcing maturity and growth.
I know life has to be filled with something, otherwise boredom sets in. BUT does it really need to be injections, blood tests, hypos, hypers, hospital appointments, carbohydrate counting and tears?? In our case and many others YES IT DOES. Is this my life YES IT IS. Does it define who I am NO IT DOESN'T
Someday I may know where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I am! Until then I will forge on trying to sort out my, cluttered muddled disarray of a brain!