I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life... this is my 4year anniversary with diabetes.
It's kind of hard not to think of the bad times that this has caused.
I think of just in the last few months, how much I've missed.
For instance... in May, I was so looking forward to Topless Jeep Day. Not a real big deal, but I was supposed to take the top off my Wrangler, ride around, and take some pics. But because of low blood sugar (low bg), I spent the day... and the day after that... in bed suffering from low bg and a migraine.
And for the second year in a row, I wasn't able to participate in DBlog Week... I was so out of it from low bg, I couldn't even post to my blogs. I ended up doing three days out of the seven.
Both of those things are small, but, I was majorly out of it.
Then I think about the days I can't get my day started because my bg is too low. I've missed hours of days from it.
When my bg is low, like in the 30's... I usually can't recover for at least a few hours, sometimes more. Then there's always a very bad headache as well. Sometimes, the headache turns into a migraine, and lasts even longer. Sometimes, when there's a migraine, I can't keep anything down, so I can't raise my bg. So it drops even lower. It's been in the 20's.
There have been times I've passed out. Of course I don't know at the time what's going on, but when I re-construct things, I can tell what happened. There is nothing worse than not knowing what happened, and having to rely on clues or people telling you.
Sometimes, the fear of low blood sugar prevents me from sleeping. I have been afraid to go to bed, or afraid to get too comfortable. I have been afraid that I won't wake up, or that I'll end up falling down my stairs... or even making it outside in my shorts & t shirt.
Low bg... and even high bg... has prevented me from doing so much. I've cancelled with friends, cancelled the gym, put off riding my bike, and so much more. I hate having to use my bg as an excuse, but it happens a lot.
As much as I struggle with controlling it every day... and as disciplined as I try to be, there's always the chance that something could go wrong. That's hard to accept.
I would rather look back at the last four years with diabetes... because I definitely can't even deal with the fact that the rest of my life will be like this.
When I read other blogs, about people who say they've had diabetes their whole life, or ten, twenty years.... I think, wow... I have a lot of nerve to feel bad. I need to suck it up, get it together, and keep moving.