Hello one and all and no one!
Ahhh another day. I have volunteered to be a leader at the Perth Diabetes camp this January. Yes, it is exciting and all. I think the benefits of a Diabetes camps for Children are completely underrated. But that isn't the problem. 5 Months ago things would have been different, but come December, I am not so sure I should be 'leading' Children when I can't even cope myself.
I'm not seeking a 'Naawwww YES YOU CAN! Its all about experience, not numbers!!'. But surely with experience, comes good numbers? I have been trying hard (I say hard, but I don't mean very hard) to correct my BGL's again. Every day I test in the morning and I say 'I can do this!" loudly in my head. But the hours pass and as always I have forgotten to test or to bolus or to give a damn. Call me pessimistic, call me irresponsible, call me anything but this disease is so damn hard to deal with at the moment.
I am in the middle of moving house. Getting University sorted out. Dealing with having not seen the love of my life in 3 months. Dealing with the fact that moving states deems me friendless. I am so incredibly lost and so incredibly bored but SOMEHOW I just can't get myself to care about diabetes. And the worst part is I CARE SO MUCH! Complete contradiction that only diabetics would understand;
I COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT MY DISEASE RIGHT NOW BUT I CARE SO MUCH!
GAAH! That is why I question if I have the right to motivate young children on how to cope, when I can't. Its not the maturity or my history that will help them, it is helping them to deal with their diabetes physically and mentally when I can't. Sometimes I wonder if I am going for my own sake and not the children's. I am really hoping I find my motivation to get back into 'T1D' shape after I lead a bunch of children. And maybe (come the end of the camp) I will feel like I deserve to motivate kids or I will persist until I find that confidence again.
The question to ask yourself today:
Are other T1D children worth the effort of maintaining healthy BG levels? And the answer is YES. Because we could drastically change the outcomes of their futures purely by showing ourselves to be responsible T1Diabetics. I might be secretly a horrible Diabetic at the moment, but for those few days I will at least pretend to be at ease with this disease, by testing constantly and eating properly so that they might mirror my actions.