The holidays have come and gone. It is fast approaching the end of January and my next visit to the wound clinic. I have a deep sense of dread in my guts.
My left foot is much worse. The right foot has healed. But now they want to put me in the hospital again. I am in severe danger of losing a foot!
My my sweet Jesus! It's going to happen one way or another! I have four choices. One is to go home and do nothing and let the infection run it's course and kill me! Two is to go home and wait 60 days so that Medicare will pay for it. In which case, the infection could spread rapidly and kill me anyway. (So much for waiting!) Three is to do a modified amputation by taking the 5th metatarsal (little toe) and some of the outside of the foot. But, in this case, the DRs said I would be back for another amputation in 6-12 months anyway. Four is to just give in and go for broke. Get it done ... all the way and then go on from there. Such agony of indecision! I can barely keep inside my skin. Jump every time someone comes by to check on me because I think they are going to wisk me away and saw off my left leg without anesthesia!!!
Spent the weekend talking, praying, crying, praying and crying some more. I've just got to do it and get it over. Start a new life. .
February 3, 2010 is a day that has changed my life drastically. Not only physically, but mentally and financially. I can't believe I did this to myself. It's like some surreal dream and I can't wake up all the way! But all I have to do is lift the sheets from my legs and look. There's something awfully empty in my soul. Not just my body. I want to cry like a baby and let somebody (preferably a very handsome man!) hold me tight and tell me it will all be OK. But, now, what handsome man will want to gaze on this sight? I've got to hold it more together because there are just too many people out there telling me I am strong. What they don't know is that on the inside, I am a bowl full of jello! Green jello! Just suck it up! I'm not the only one that has had a leg taken off. I just hope they left enough to get a good fit on a prosthetic. I know that God never gives you more than you can handle; but I wish He didn't trust me so much!
Underlying this is the financial question. I went back into the hospital just two weeks short of the 60-day requirement for Medicare to pick up the tab. They don't want to do the full rehab on me because I can't pay. Mr. Money talks again!! They are pumping me full of false courage in telling me I am strong enough to go home! They don't know how tired I get by the end of the day. I don't have the strength to take care of myself 24 hours a day. But ... no money, no service.
More to come .......