I'm too lazy to actually, you know, blog. But I feel the need to write about this, so I'm going to put it up here.
Ever since diagnosis, I've had a huge (HUGE!) problem with high blood sugars. I get anxious and panicky and overinject myself with insulin. This causes all sorts of problems.
I got a Dexcom a couple of weeks ago and, maybe because of that or maybe because I'm really bored at work, I decided to try to work on this. So I wake up this morning at 95 (yay!). But my Dexcom says I'm going up. (I almost always go up in the mornings, which is why I want a pump, but my doctor won't give me one.)
I remind myself of what I decided yesterday: having high blood sugars helps you lose weight. (Hey, that's what I care about!) Having excess insulin causes you to gain weight. So I keep telling myself, it's okay, will lose weight, will get thin, think diabulimia. I continue saying this as I go up to 140. Then 170. Then 200. Then 230. (I haven't even eaten all day! Why am I going this high?) I manage to sit with my sugars at 230 for a good 20 minutes. Then I look again. Holding steady at 230. I say, fuck it, I'm high. And give myself 50 units in the muscle. That was 15 minutes ago, and I'm now 233. I'm strongly considering giving myself another 50 units, but I just keep saying to myself, "More insulin means more fat." (Again, stick with what matters to you.)
So, okay, I managed to let myself be high for a full hour and a half. That's pretty good for me. And, maybe, if my blood sugars didn't feel the need to skyrocket every freaking morning (and they'd stayed a nice 160 or something), I would have managed to deal. (Though that's probably not true. Last night, I was 170 before going to bed. I tried to tell myself that it was okay to be high and 170 wasn't that bad. I tried to resist the urge to shoot up. I gave myself 40 units in the muscle instead of listening to myself.) As it is, I'm now getting really, really anxious because I'm staying steady at 230 and my body doesn't seem to realize I gave myself some insulin a while ago and that my sugars should now be dropping. (I WANT MORE INSULIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) If I don't start falling in the next 20 minutes, I'm going to give myself 3 or 4 syringefuls (and I have 50 cc syringes.)
Oh, hooray, just looked and am now 224. Good body. I will no longer punish you with more insulin. (I know, I'm insane.)