Hi everyone :)
I'm Shahenda .. and I guess I'm new to this whole forum blogging thing , I'm not even sure if I'm writing what i am in the right place for it !
The reason why I've decided to join tudiabetes is that I've had Type 1 diabetes for about 6 years now .. and I have failed by all means to achieve a normal HbA1C or feeling healthy for more than 2 weeks in a row :/

I'm not sure about this but I think I have something called Diabulimia .. because all i ever think about is my weight and how i look ,, and whenever i feel that I've gained any weight I get really really reaalyy down and frustrated and instantly i stop taking my insulin and stop measuring my blood glucose level and I still eat way too much :S even if I wasn't hungry at all !

Now I just feel like i reaally wanna start a new life with a new ME ,.. but I'm not sure if i'm ever going to make it for more than 2 weeks .. I just can't imaginE my self NOT overeating or overweight ! I feel like my life is slipping out of my hands and i can't do anything aboutit .. I don't know where to start .. I don't really know if it's too late or not .. I guess I need some serious help !
My Family know i mess things up alot but they never know how pretty messed up i really am and i am tired of showing my weakness to them ,, I guess they just can't help me anymore ! I just need Help .. Please ANYONE !!

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I know baby steps were all I could take at first, I had to write everything down and document BG's and food intake everyday, this helped me to see what I was doing and how it affected me.
I knew I could not change 42 years of habits overnight, so I took small steps of change, and after a while things started to snowball and I have gotten my weight to a manageable level and maintained it for 18 months.
Take it slow, write it all down, then and only then start to set some goals. Your first goal is to document your BG's and Food:)

Thank You sooo soo much for replying .. I just thought that no one would :)
Okay I'll start doing this but I guess my Blood glucose level is not going to be very encouraging :S But I'm gonna still record it !
Should I like stop eating until my Bl glucose returns to normal .. so that it wouldn't stay high for a longer period of time ??? it usually takes me from 3 to 4 days for it to become rather controlled if i eat normally ..

I might see this a bit differently than others, Shahenda, and I'm really glad you posted. Diabulimia is a form of eating disorder and eating disorders are not uncommon among women in the general population, but women with Type 1 are more subject to them. If you didn't have issues with food and body image before you got Type 1, it's easy to develop them after. I am lucky that I had 13 years recovery from my eating disorder when I got my Type 1 diagnosis. Even with all that recovery time I found D brought up so many issues for me, because it forced me to obsess about food which is the exact opposite of what I learned to do in my recovery! (thinking about everything I eat and writing it down!).

Eating disorders can ruin your life, believe me I know from personal experience and with others I've met. But Diabulimia is an eating disorder that can do even more intense damage. One thing I can tell you is it's not about the weight. I know that seems like a crazy statement right now, but when I was finally able to get into recovery after years of trying it's when I accepted that. Worrying about my weight just kept me on the ED treadmill. Finally it got so bad I just wanted the craziness to stop. My suggestion is to break your silence about your Diabulimia which you've taken the first step for right here! Then start talking to people who can help. If you like and trust your doctor, start there. But also look on here, I believe there is a Diabulimia group you can join. Then consider getting help in the real world. I don't think there are a lot of programs specific for Diabulimia yet but there are many good Eating Disorder programs. You can also go to OA meetings which are free and in all large towns and I guarantee you will meet people with D. You can also start with OA meetings online if you are nervous to go to meetings or don't have any nearby. Whatever you do, get help. You don't have to live this way. I have 18 years recovery now and it means everything to me.

Did you speak with your doctor? This topic was covered on www.Divabetic.org. I have to view my notes to recall what was said.

No I didn't I don't actually have a specific doctor *My parents are doctors , not endocrinologists but they claim they just know everything* .. but I guess I just can't even go to any doctor because my parents would be freaked out if i just told them about the truth about my condition .. and i wouldn't want to hurt them AGAIN !

I have to do this on my own i guess

I see you are in Egypt; I don't know how traditional your parents are, but my guess is they would want to help you if they knew you had a problem that was preventing you from being healthy. But doctors are not often too knowledgeable about Eating Disorders in general or certainly not about Diabulimia. I would recommend rather a psychologist who has experience working with eating disorders. I don't know how old you are or what the laws are like there, but do you need your parents permission to get treatment? Also, since you're unlikely to have OA locally (though I do believe it's international, so I could be wrong), you could easily go to OA on line as well as joining the Diabulimia message board here. (Look under Groups).

What you don't have to do is do it on your own. You are not alone.

I actually see the Diabetic Support Group on the right of the screen so you can click on that link and connect with others.

Zoe .. of course my parents want me to be healthy and everything .. but I'm just not ready to go talk to someone face to face :S I've done it once but I wasn't able to say anything and I just cried .. this makes me feel soo weak and vulnerable I've started to take my medications today and I will try to limit my food intake and I hope I can just do it for the day .. I hope so !
Thank u for ur help :)

Sometimes feeling vulnerable is exactly what we need. Feeling your feelings...whatever they are...is the way through an eating disorder. Willpower (promising to do better the next day, then failing and beating up on yourself, etc) seldom does it. Alone we get caught up in the loop of an ED and trust me I know what a painful place that is. With support you can get through it. I haven't eaten sugar for 18 years, I haven't overeaten for 18 years let alone purged. People ask me how I do that and I tell them, "18 years is easy, 30 days is really hard". To get out of that loop and through those first days usually calls for making yourself vulnerable and asking for help. Then it will get easier after that.

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