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Allright..Here i write here tonight. I've just hit some kind of bottom.
I've developed..a fear , well a phobia, of meds. After my recent hospitalization, something happened inside of me and, i began to have that extreme fear of the effects of the meds. To the point of...not being able to inject insulin anymore.
I talked about it with the doctor. They told me that...they felt helpless, since i went sick several times after that, and still......i was not able to inject the insulin. They got i think, discouraged with me.
Last year, i spent the whole xmas time there at the hospital because i had severely high ketones. I was so sick , it was hell. They went on such tight insulin protocol with me, that i had lows after lows. It was not a life anymore, just the shadow of a life.
Tonight..for some reason, i felt a sparkle of courage within me. I have spent days now in the 400's, barely eating not to raise it. I'm tired. I'm a type 2 btw. Now..i feel i could have the courage in my heart to use insulin again. I KNOW it sounds silly to you perhaps, scared of using insulin all in a sudden. But it's what i'm going trough right now, that's my reality. I'm not mentally ill or anything. I've just let a fear take control of my rationality.
I'd love to gather more than a bit of courage because...i know i could let the fears take on me again, and let this situation worsen. I'm so scared.
So maybe..some words from you could motivate, i don't know..I feel like i'm throwing a bottle in the ocean now. I'm so sad with diabetes, i think i never accepted it. I never passed the stage of anger i had at first. I should have evolved or grow up, but, i remained childish about the whole thing.
I'm a mom, my girl is 16, and...i wanna live on, i wanna see her get married, hold my grand child one day. But if i keep going like that, i already have heart issues, i won't be able to.
Damn fear..if i knew they'd get me there, i'd have seek for help sooner.
I was scared too of using insulin. Now I treat it as a game like everything else. I shoot into my fat and I make it fun.
I'll say this, but know I understand that it's not easy, I go through periods of time with the same feelings,,,,but I walk slowly through them, and try very hard NOT to blame me for having the feelings that I do have, I have been diabetic for 11 years, I have been a practicing diabetic for 9 years, Out of those 9 years, I can safely bet I have felt depressed about it at least three times a year, You are right, your rebellion with the cream of wheat, didn't help anything long term,,,,but you did it, and that's that, I think what we need to realize is that diabetes is a chronic LONG term disease, To date, I haven't read one person being cured of their diabetes for good, So IF you take a day or even a week to feel sorry for yourself then that's what you do, You also know that possibly that's not the heathiest choice for you to do,,,,it's a trade off that could be a problem if you do it too many times, Remember that diabetes is NOT a death sentence, you can live a relatively normal life with some twists and turns in it, But that is life all over whether you have a cold or a chronic disease or nothing, there are twists and turns, Figure out what the most horrible thing about diabetes is that you are reacting to right now,. Write it down, post it where you will see it each day, Mine was not being able to eat pasta as much as I used to, I wrote, "I LOVE PASTA, Pasta doesn't love me, I hate diabetes, diabetes doesn't love me" And posted it on the back door, in the kitchen, on the bathroom mirror, It was actually rather funny after a couple of days, I then went to work figuring out how I could have my pasta meal, quantity, what dish, number of carbs, etc, all the good things about having pasta that I missed, and how could I get that back, I realized if I gave up 10 carbs for two meals a day, I could have 1 1/2 cups of whole wheat pasta for dinner,.....it works for me, We get to be more creative with our meals, we get snazy little cases with our meters in them, (I had a friend who didn't know what my meter case ask if I sell it to her, she thought it would make a great little wallet OMG! she wanted my meter case, We get to find an exercise that we love and will do as often as we can and should, We are healthier than maybe our closest friends, because we know what happens if we aren't, Make a list of the things that you get if you have diabetes, positive, make another list of things that you miss,,,,,,it's amazing, make it as funny, as serious, as retrospect as you can, I have a diabetes diary of my feelings, and every once in awhile I will go back and read a month ago entries and laugh at me over what I thought was important then, Yes it sucks, but think of the person you love the most,,,,,if you could choose -- and you must choose would you want that person to be diabetic or yourself, I thought of my brother who is three years younger than I,,,,I got the family diseases and he go the money,,,,but if he had gotten diabetes he wouldn't have taken care of himself as good as I do and I am not perfect far from it, So I will take this disease, and he can have the $$. I love him too much,
Hang in there. Diabetes is like taking care of a little baby. You have done it before, now do it for you. Take good care. You will get through this.
my mom went through a similar situation a few years ago, she refused to take her medicine thinking that she could do it with just diet and exercise, she is type II, but her body needed help and she was refusing it. Now she has end stage renal disease and I'v had to move back home from school to take care of her. I'm not telling you this to scare you, just to warn you. You say you wanna see your baby girl grow up and live her life, let me tell you it's not possible when your life revolves around diabetes and Dr's appointments. I understand that your scared, I believe everyone at one point or another has the right to be, just don't let this crippling fear persist for too long, it could have sever concequinces. I hope that you can over come this for your sake and that of your daughters.
This is actually what keep me going when I think of giving up. I have two beautiful, ambitious daughters who mean the world to me. Like you, they would come home and take care of me. I don't want that to have to happen so I keep doing my best to stay healthy. I have cared for the elderly and disabled in my family and it takes its toll on your health and life. It's something I hope I never do to my children.
Dont give up. When it looks the worst...its the time to shine. Exercise (simple walks) and get rid of most carbs...lose a few lbs...and your BG will drop...I promise you...I have days and weeks where Im done...but you can only try.
keep your chin up. you can do it.
I would think that your docs would have thought of this before anyone else, but what about a couple of sessions with a therapist who knows something about diabetes, or if you can't find that, look for one that can at least be open to learning, I believe that we all need tune-ups now and then, and it sounds like it's time for a tune up for you, Being afraid to inject is about like being sick and tired of following an eating plan, or taking meds, maybe a bit tougher, But I think if you can find someone who can help you walk through this fear and figure out what caused it, you can start slowly again to follow your treatment plan, Just my 10 cents worth
Have you determined what exactly you are afraid of? Narrowing the fear down to precisely WHAT you are afraid of is very important. For example, you could have a fear of needles(Aichmophobia or Belonephobia); of the injection (Trypanophobia); diabetes (Diabetophobia); a more generalized fear of taking drugs (Pharmacophobia); or even a fear of taking new drugs (Neopharmaphobia).
You MAY be mentally ill. Anyone who has even a small neurosis like fear of dirt (Automysophobia) is technically mentally ill. Anything listing in the DSM IV is a mental illness. Probably more than half of everyone walking around today is mentally ill. To me, the real sickness is failure to seek help for what is troubling you. Get the help you need for your mental health. You will not be able to effectively deal with your diabetes if you are plagued by fear.
Two of the best pieces of advice I have ever received:
Don't dither in the land of indecision and inaction...it is a living death. Gather the best facts you can and ACT on
them now. Action is essential to a good life.
Long term goals are wonderful, but can also seem like an insurmountable climb, particularly when you are feeling sick or scared. Live your life with humor and purpose and positive action on a DAILY basis and leave the future to worry about itself. Do this and I have every confidence that you will get the most out of your days for many, many years to come.
Humor for the day. Franklin Roosevelt said that "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." In that spirit, here are the name of three phobias about fear to try to work into a conversation this week:
Fear of the number 13 - Triskadekaphobia.
Fear of the number "666" - Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia
Fear of fear itself = Phobophobia
I would strongly encourage you to find a good therapist to talk to so you can get some help developing strategies to combat the anxiety surrounding your use of insulin. I know it can be hard at first, but it's so worth it to have someone to help you though these things and you will feel so much better, both physically and mentally.
Lavender, do you take metformin? It helps with the insulin resistance, and does not cause lows.