First of all, please don't judge...

So lately I've been obsessing about my weight. A few weeks ago I cut out junk food and have been eating a mostly all natural diet of fresh fruits, veggies, lean proteins, nuts, etc. When I did that, I dropped 3 pounds in a couple weeks. I enjoyed that I was losing weight and kept eating my healthy diet. Over the weekend, my fiance and I ate out and I already made up my mind that I was getting an old favorite that I hadn't had in such a long time, which of course, was unhealthy and calorie loaded. Of course my blood sugar didn't like that since it was getting used to my new diet, but I didn't do anything to correct it Saturday night before bed thinking that maybe I won't gain the weight from that meal. Then on Sunday, I got bored at home while my fiance was working and ate a bunch of M&M's and sugar cookies I was baking for a potluck. I felt terrible that I caved and didn't take any insulin for it. I ate a few more snacks, no insulin and we ordered pizza for dinner and I took only half the insulin for that. I didn't check before bed, but I had to be really high. The next morning, I was only 251. So I thought, well, maybe I wasn't as high as I thought.

So yesterday during the day, I had an apple for breakfast and a little lunch knowing that I ate so much the day before. My blood sugar ended up dropping right before I left work, probably from taking a little too much for lunch. So, I ate one of my cookies to correct it. As soon as I got to my car, I started crying and ate 3 more cookies, no insulin, got home and ate half a bag of Doritos, no insulin. Before I went to bed, my meter said HI, which I think means my blood sugar was over 500. I didn't care, I want to lose weight, I'm mad at myself for eating what I did and being not strong. Checked my blood sugar this morning, 213. Didn't eat, didn't correct, checked 2 hours later 156.

Now, before you say that maybe my basal rate is too high at night, anytime I eat normally, go to bed high and even correct, I'll wake up on the high side. Or if it's normal when I go to bed, it's usually higher when I wake up. And this has happened before. Don't take insulin at night for food and wake up with way lower levels. How does that happen??

PS.. sorry for the long post..

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It happens because no matter what we have, we are still people. It's hard to dust yourself off from a day of defeat, but do it we shall.

You may have spiked or dropped overnight. Also, a lot of fatty and sugary foods like that can spike a day or even more later. Just have patience, you'll get there :D

I know this might not help much, but your post just made me feel 800x better. I just got done literally crying because I can not seem to lose weight and keep messing up in very similar ways. You have renewed my spirit a bit and made me feel like I am not alone and I can do this.

Tomorrows another day. Relax, take a deep breath, and try again. And also when I eat before bed my BG spikes, I won't correct and it'll be lower in the am around the 150s. But it doesn't help me lose weight.

I'm SO good at knowing what to eat, what's good for me and what's not. I know everything there is to know about health food, but I just get SOO mad at myself when I mess up and eat what I know I shouldn't and then I manipulate my insulin doses to make me lose weight when that happens. It's a really bad habit and it makes me upset. I just wish I didn't care so much about trying to look perfect. I just can't shake that, though.

Anyway, you can do anything you put your mind to! Remember that nothing happens if you don't work to make it happen. You put the work in and you'll get the results you want no matter what you're working on. You can do it!! :)

Many of us have struggled with this exact same issue. I know I have at times. It's very easy to say, "Stop focusing on the weight." Harder, much harder, to put into practice.

I think one thing that makes it hard is that with T1D it's easy to feel like your body is not within your control. For me, it is what can lead to bad habits.

I have worked very hard to try and let go of the need to look perfect. It's not easy, but it can be done. When I have fat thoughts, I try my best to shut down them. Again, not easy, and it almost becomes this really weird game of mental willpower.

I understand just how hard it is, but you are not alone. Please look on here for information and the group for Diabulimia, a form of eating disorder that is all too common with women with Type 1. When you find out more about it, if it seems to fit, see if you can find some support in your area. A diabulimia group would be ideal, but if not try a support group for eating disorders, or even go to some OA meetings and I'm sure you'll meet other women with D. Unfortunately eating disorders and Diabetes are made for each other. I had 13 years of recovery from my own eating disorder when I got diagnosed with D and I need every bit of what I learned through that experience. You are not alone but you can get some help. It is not just a matter of "being stronger" or "being good" vs "being bad". As a matter of fact those ways of thinking just add to the guilt and shame which keeps the whole thing going. You need to break that cycle of guilt and shame and then recovery is possible which will make your life better in so many ways.

I've been thinking about going to OA meetings lately. Have some eating problems myself.

It's a really good source of support, Judith. If you are nervous about walking into a meeting, you can start by going to one online. But the in person experience is much better and you will be made to feel welcome. I have 18 years recovery from my eating disorder, but when D was making me feel shaky I went to online meetings for awhile and it helped get me back on track. Just knowing you're not alone, and getting past being embarrassed. I don't know if there are D specific OA groups now, but there should be!

If it makes anyone feel better, I keep gaining weight even though I am OC about my diet and blood sugar and have been for 5 years. Hmmm. How would that make anyone feel better? What I meant to say was don't beat yourselves up if you've fallen off the wagon and aren't achieving what you want. There may be other factors beyond your control. I don't know what those are. I wish I did. In the meantime, even if you don't lose weight you'll feel better if you stay away from crappy "food."

you are NOT alone! I admire every word of that post because it is REAL...sometimes being real is the hardest part of all this. We all have crappy days! So live your life, make some mistakes, and know that tomorrow is day 1!! (so have a chocolate bar before it starts! LOL). The bottom line is that NOBODY is perfect...and D is one of the most challenging things to live with. Weight is such a struggle for me too...I breakdown a lot. We are all here for each other!

And as others have said, nobody is perfect and we'll all eat something we really shouldn't every once in a while. My suggestion is not to go to one extreme or the other. As in do not think you need to eat healthy every single meal and snake every single day. Sneak a handful of Dorritos M&Ms every 3-4 days and you will reduce the chance of going off to the other extreme. Find that Golden Mean!

If you could clarify why did you not correct when while you ate and how is this related to losing weight? I'm not in any way judging, but maybe I'm not reading it correctly, but I want to understand.

Sebabella, here is the answer to your question.

Diabulimia (a portmanteau of diabetes and bulimia) refers to an eating disorder in which people with Type 1 diabetes deliberately give themselves less insulin than they need, for the purpose of weight loss. Diabulimia is not currently recognized as a formal diagnosis by the medical or psychiatric communities. However, the phrases “disturbed eating behavior” or “disordered eating behavior” (DEB in both cases), or disordered eating (DE) are quite common in medical and psychiatric literature which addresses the condition of patients who have Type 1 diabetes and who also intentionally manipulate insulin doses to control weight.

Failure to administer insulin places the body in a starvation state, resulting in breakdown of muscle and fat into ketone bodies and subsequently ketoacids, while at the same time making the body unable to process sugars that have been consumed, so the sugars are excreted in the urine rather than being used by the body for energy or stored as fat. This typically results in significant weight loss but also places the patient at risk of a life-threatening condition known as diabetic ketoacidosis. Prolonged failure to administer insulin results in long-term complications such as diabetic neuropathy. Insulin restriction is associated not only with increased rates of diabetes complications but increased mortality risk as well. Diabetics who restrict insulin die at earlier ages on average than those diabetics who use insulin properly.

I don't know about your specific issue of waking up with a much better b/s than you think you should, but... I've totally been there in terms of the disordered eating/disordered insulin use. When I was dx'd at 23 I immediately started manipulating my insulin. I don't even know how it happened. I never did it on purpose. And I can't even tell you what I was doing. But I do remember having many episodes of my meter just saying "hi" (over 600 for that meter) and a1c's of 12. I actually, swear to god, had an a1c of 15 once. My doctor said it had to be a typo and was impossible, but... I don't know. During those years I was at my smallest ever at around 120 pounds and I somehow was able to be very active and relatively happy and I think I looked healthy.

The thing that really got me out of it was growing up a little and realizing that I was not going to be able to have a family and do the things that I wanted to do with my life, and of course the fear that I would die young. I spent a few years really struggling with it, trying desperately to turn over a new leaf and then failing and going back into denial and then trying again. And then in 2000, when I was 30, I learned about Atkins and Bernstein, and low carb and it really changed everything for me. I have had periods since then of falling off the wagon, but I cannot fathom playing with my insulin the way I used to. Ugh. If you're not caught up in a cycle of doing it, it seems really crazy. Now I really believe that carbs were/are an addiction for me and a very dangerous one. It's still a struggle now at 43. I cannot believe that what seems like a straight forward issue has pretty consistently haunted me for 20 years! But I have gotten a lot better and have managed to keep my a1cs close to 7 and sometimes even a lot better than that.

Anyway, you might not have needed my whole history of carb addiction, but wanted you to know that you're not alone. Also wanted to thank you for your post because it made me feel a little less freakish. When my only exposure to other type I's are forums like this, it seems like everyone else is always doing the right thing and I'm just a big f*ck up. lol

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