I don't really think any of you will be able to help much, but it helps for me to talk about this with people who understand diabetes. I live in a small town and there aren't any endos here, and the only diabetes support groups are for type 2s.
Anyway, as the topic title says, I have a huge phobia of high blood sugars. I have panic attacks whenever I get above 140. The only thing that helps is for me to give myself massive amounts of insulin so that I go down as quickly as possible. Logically, I know this is stupid, and I know that being a little high won't hurt me, but it doesn't matter. This is completely illogical.
I have tried to give myself the designate amount, recommended by doctors for high blood sugars. For the next half hour or so, the only thing I can think about is how high my blood sugars are. I want to scream and throw things. I start hyperventilating. All I want is more insulin. Eventually, after waiting, I usually crack and give myself somewhere between 60 and 200 units of insulin, depending on how high I am.
This causes a lot of problems. I see the paramedics a lot, I pass out a lot. Even when I know I'm low, I often down have time to eat enough sugar to get to where I should be.
You would think I would stop. I would think I would stop. But I don't. I think, by now, a lot of it is habit, and it's really hard to break a habit you've had for years. I know I'm doing a lot of damage to myself. I'm killing brain cells. My memory is going. I get awful headaches. I break things when I have seizures. I've been fired from a couple jobs and am on warning from my current one.
I do want to stop giving myself so much insulin. People always tell me, "Well, then, just give yourself less insulin." But it's very difficult to overcome a severe phobia. For most phobias (like snakes or even public speaking), you can avoid them and it doesn't have much impact on your daily life. Mine does.
I don't really know why I'm so scared of highs. I didn't used to be. It just developed a few years ago and continues getting worse. The reason doesn't really matter. I just need to stop. I keep telling myself that, I say, "Okay, next time, I'm high, I won't give myself a lot of insulin." And I agree to it. And then I get a 300, and I flip out and give myself 120 in the muscle.