Moaning and Groaning
I'm in a very low place emotionally, and that's when I just can't deal with diabetes. I WANT it to GO AWAY, and haven't managed to convince it to do so, even by almost killing myself!
What I HATE about diabetes: the constant preoccupation with food -- what to eat, when to eat, how much, nutrition content and meal composition, particularly carbs and protein, how long its likely to last in my belly before I get hungry again, watching my weight (not overweight, but don't want to get that way)
What's ANNOYING about diabetes: running out of insulin in my reservoir at inconvenient times or places, when I either don't want to, or CAN'T change it, sitting up most of the night trying to bring a high down, the horrible tangy orange flavor of glucose tablets (easier to carry around than juice), not KNOWING when a low is going to hit.
What's BORING about diabetes: explaining it over and over to people until their eyes glaze over, knowing that they probably aren't catching much of what I'm saying, having it on my mind all the time.
What's IRRITATING about diabetes: all the people who think they know more than I do, and all the ads that bounce up on the internet, and in magazines, and ESPECIALLY the one on the package of Medtronic CGM sensors showing a cute, young and slender girl about to dig into a HUGE piece of carrot cake -- when I know for a fact that that piece of cake would literally do me in.
What's BIPOLAR about diabetes: On the one hand, pictures and articles of young, fashionable, adorable young people who are artists and extreme athletes, etc. with the message that you can do anything (Nat Strand would never have made it in that race if she hadn't had a knowledgeable and capable teammate who saved her butt a couple of times), and all the admonitions about taking care of yourself perfectly or you're going to get horrible complications. Seems to me the truth is somewhere in the middle -- either diabetes is a piece of cake, or it isn't, and it seems to me, it isn't.
What's on FIRE about diabetes: it takes a continuous emotional toll on a person. For anyone who's really trying, it's not a pop-a-pill and forget it disease. Which results in burnout. Which I've seen more people than just me struggle with. Coupled with a dark fear that on the days when I REALLY don't behave myself, I might be doing myself permanent damage.
And what's WORST for me, is having no one in my life who would be there if I had an emergency. The fact that friends came looking for me and saved my life in 2010 was pure luck, and it HAS made me a little more careful, but I'm darn scared of this disease.
Can you relate?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Doris D on -
Oh YES!! So much! Natilie I really hope u feel some better getting all that out. I know this Forum and my blogging has helped me soooo much!
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Permalink Reply by Cosumne Jan on -
My T2 diabetes is like a hobby in comparison to your version of the disease. Please know how much I admire you and the other T1s who have to work so hard every day just to keep going. XOX
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Permalink Reply by Jen on
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I can definitely relate! I'm doing well with diabetes at the moment, but there are times in the past when I just did NOT want to deal with it. (Like last year—the other day I looked back at my records from this time last year and saw that my blood sugar hit both 1.7 (30 mg/dl) and HI (600+ mg/dl) in the same week because I was in complete burnout mode.)
I hope you feel better soon! Feel free to vent as much as you want/need to!
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Permalink Reply by Super_sally on -
Yes! I know how you feel! This disease really sucks. There is no let-up ever! I have to deal with this every day of my life for the rest of my life. And I'm shit scared of the complications that can arise.
I hate having to be obsessive about food and health.
I hate having to do this alone!
I do see this as a challenge that I am dealing with. There are good days and bad days! At the moment I'm lucky it's mostly good and I'm focused on work and my daughter and my nearly here baby..... which all keep me going and trying hard.... with some grumbling as well.....
Natalie, really hope you are feeling better soon! Hang in there lovely lady. Rant and grumble all you need!
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Permalink Reply by acidrock23 on -
Maybe it's denial but I try to ignore it or think of it like something that "is" rather than something that "is" bad.
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Permalink Reply by christy on -
I kinda find myself in that way of thinking to AR.
I do hope you are feeling better Natalie, feel free to vent all you need to.
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Permalink Reply by Brunetta on -
I kind of think like you, Acid.. It just "is" sometimes.
Now Natalie, I had a bad diabetic week last week, really into mini burnout- mode:not wanting to test, the Cgms was on the blink...So I ate whatever I wanted and guesstimated; I ate AS MUCH as as I wanted ( not really high carb, but a lot of food; I also skipped many a meal; I rage bollussed without testing, had resultant high -low swings. Stayed up late all night on the internet and piddling around my house with this and that. Was thus too tired to even think of doing the things I really wanted to do.
My feelings about diabetes, when they are negative or when I ignore my disease, are usually NOT rooted in the disease itself and its management. Those emotions occur usually because I am upset or confused about something else, and trying to deny it.... When I feel burned out or discouraged about diabetes, I have to meditate,journal,talk to my friends and/or counselor,read( inspirational sources, my Bible)and pray to find out what is really bothering me. This way I learn to resolve the issue, accept it, or change my perception of it.
I have had diabetes for so long, 43 years; that it is just a part of me, like my eye color or my height. Yet I still sometimes I can "use" it to rage, or I ignore it when I am frustrated about other issues. .
Natalie, are your feelings about diabetes precipitated by anything else that may be of concern in your life? Hope you can come to some peac eabout whatever it is that is bothering you; if such a thing exists, other than the diabetes. If I am wrong, do forgive my assumpntions. You are such an informed, caring person to me who truly gives of herself to others. You have urged others to victory and not victimhood. We all need to vent and I do so care about your feelings.
Take care, my sis
Thanks for "being".God Bless,
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Permalink Reply by Cindy on -
Brunetta ~ You Made My Day!
I have so often gotten furious about a high not coming down fast enuf that I over-bolus out of anger and suffer the consequences. You have delighted me with your term for it.RAGE BOLUS!!!!
I love it! Sometimes it feels good just to express something perfectly. This is a new addition to my high bs rant vocabulary. Thanks and Happy Day!
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Permalink Reply by Jacob's mom on -
i like that line! i think i will use it on my son, sort of zenish without being openly buddhist, which i dont think you are! and we also know you are not in denial you are in acceptance mode. the old it is what it is so why fight it! keep up the good fight! by no means to diss the frustration everyone feels i know it is a huge burden, i am just a mom of a diabetic, my son says that all the time, i don't know because i don't have it but believe me i struggle along with him. amy
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Permalink Reply by Brunetta on
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Cindy and Jacobs mom, Thanks for the kudos, but I am not the originator of the phrase "rage bolus".I got those terms"from Dave,the Sure-T infusion set advocate; who used to frequent this site and another of which I am a member I also think that Stuart and Acidrock, members here as well, have usd it too. It is a phrase that describes the anger of an unexpected high and how we long-time type ones sometimes deal with it. ( Even though we shouldn't).
I guessd I get "angry" because I am sometimes out- of range high and do not recognize it. I am rarely low wthout any signs. So I guess when I am lazy or frusrtated about other stuff, and have a high BS, the rage takes over without the fear of crashing from a low. so I push the few extra units in for a quick reprieve: But again I should NOT do it!!
And no I am not Buddhist, but I am what I am and I'm Ok with that./strong>br/>God is good and life is for living, loving, and laughing. We cry, too, but that's ok.."This, too, shall pass".. Maybe not the diabetes, but certainly negative feelings or perceptions. They always have and always will.God Bless,
Brunetta
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Permalink Reply by Pastelpainter on -
The people who don't understand and the magazines that say T2 is a lifestyle choice - ha! who would choose, yes CHOOSE, to have diabetes. You say it excellently and I hope that now you will be able to quietly buckle down again and get on with it (((hugs)))
Maureen
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Permalink Reply by Judith on -
Pastel---thanks. I forget that---who indeed would CHOOSE??! You know, when my poopeyhead doc came in to the exam room 5 years ago and said You have diabetes, I stood up abruptly and violently and yelled WHAT???! and she backed up 3 steps with her arms raised defensively.....Yep. Not about choosing!
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