Moaning and Groaning
I'm in a very low place emotionally, and that's when I just can't deal with diabetes. I WANT it to GO AWAY, and haven't managed to convince it to do so, even by almost killing myself!
What I HATE about diabetes: the constant preoccupation with food -- what to eat, when to eat, how much, nutrition content and meal composition, particularly carbs and protein, how long its likely to last in my belly before I get hungry again, watching my weight (not overweight, but don't want to get that way)
What's ANNOYING about diabetes: running out of insulin in my reservoir at inconvenient times or places, when I either don't want to, or CAN'T change it, sitting up most of the night trying to bring a high down, the horrible tangy orange flavor of glucose tablets (easier to carry around than juice), not KNOWING when a low is going to hit.
What's BORING about diabetes: explaining it over and over to people until their eyes glaze over, knowing that they probably aren't catching much of what I'm saying, having it on my mind all the time.
What's IRRITATING about diabetes: all the people who think they know more than I do, and all the ads that bounce up on the internet, and in magazines, and ESPECIALLY the one on the package of Medtronic CGM sensors showing a cute, young and slender girl about to dig into a HUGE piece of carrot cake -- when I know for a fact that that piece of cake would literally do me in.
What's BIPOLAR about diabetes: On the one hand, pictures and articles of young, fashionable, adorable young people who are artists and extreme athletes, etc. with the message that you can do anything (Nat Strand would never have made it in that race if she hadn't had a knowledgeable and capable teammate who saved her butt a couple of times), and all the admonitions about taking care of yourself perfectly or you're going to get horrible complications. Seems to me the truth is somewhere in the middle -- either diabetes is a piece of cake, or it isn't, and it seems to me, it isn't.
What's on FIRE about diabetes: it takes a continuous emotional toll on a person. For anyone who's really trying, it's not a pop-a-pill and forget it disease. Which results in burnout. Which I've seen more people than just me struggle with. Coupled with a dark fear that on the days when I REALLY don't behave myself, I might be doing myself permanent damage.
And what's WORST for me, is having no one in my life who would be there if I had an emergency. The fact that friends came looking for me and saved my life in 2010 was pure luck, and it HAS made me a little more careful, but I'm darn scared of this disease.
Can you relate?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by jrtpup on -
Yup, visited all those places at some time or another. Yesterday I decided not to eat cause I didn't want to stick my fingers, so just basal and CGM. I've given up on the whys and try to be more ar-ish.
Hope you feel lighter soon!
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Permalink Reply by Emily B on -
Moan and groan all you want to us, we can relate and know you have every right to. "D" stinks and we've only been at it two years! Like you, I want to think Nate is just the same kid as before and should be able to eat the way he used to as long as we get the insulin dose right but there is just too many variables that are unknown in a teen, things that are now off limits and things just keep changing. We are enjoying an awesome 24-hours, but before that we had a night that went way up after he went to sleep, I had him correct mid-way but it may no difference (He should have gone down to 50 instead he stayed 189!). With little time to pre-bolus before school he spent all day correcting and never dropping below 140 til he came home and I was more aggressive. Snack and Dinner up again. Aaargh. Maybe the site change was the difference that yesterday was so much better. Bad absorbtion, scar tissue after only two years??? "Piece of cake", it certainly is not!! Hang in there, work to get a couple good days under your belt again and you might feel a little better to handle it again. Nate and I share the burden right now, so while its stressful trying to keep his numbers tight, neither of us is doing it alone, for now. I'm sorry you don't have that physical person to lean on or who knows as much as you do, to be helpful. Hope you have considered bringing someone like that in to your circle. In any case, rant to us whenever you feel the need.
Our Best, Emily
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Permalink Reply by Natalie ._c- on -
You brought up an important point, Emily. Once you have that diagnosis, life will never be the same again. Nate is certainly old enough to remember before/after, and in the case of those diagnosed as infants/toddlers, their PARENTS will certainly always remember.
Last night, I had a late night snack, and bolused for it, and woke up 5 hours later at 55. No particular reason. So I'm mad again. Doesn't help that I lost an old favorite cat last week and I'm fighting one of my depressive episodes. Just trying to carry on, and I appreciate your response, and the responses of all the others who have replied.
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Permalink Reply by Trudy on -
Hi Natalie, I'm so sorry about the loss of your "old favorite cat". This kind of loss is always a devastating blow. So I'm going to make a suggestion -- please don't just dismiss it -- think about acquiring a kitten or two. Really. Best wishes.
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Permalink Reply by Natalie ._c- on
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OK, Trudy, I listened to you and not them, even though it WAS a dopey idea! LOL!
His name is Makkuro Kurosuke, or Mak for short, and he thinks the best play toys in the world are my hands. And he's 3 months old, so I decided his birthday MUST be Oct. 31, no?
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Permalink Reply by bikette on
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Sweet Nat! Why the Japanese name?
I'm sure Mak will be just the 'entertainment' you need right now and that fluffy love goes a loooooong ways to relieving the daily stresses of life and D ...
I'm so glad you listened to Trudy and not that other dopey broad!
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Permalink Reply by Pastelpainter on -
He's beautiful, Natalie. Give him a hug from me and a lick from Renae Poodle. Definitely a prickly scorpio!
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Permalink Reply by Natalie ._c- on
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About 15 years ago, there was a wonderful Japanese Anime Movie called My Neighbor Totoro, and it had a huge gray and white monster called Totoro, a lot of white bunny-looking monsters, and even more black fuzzballs called makkuro kurosuke, which more or less translates into "pure black Mr. Black." It fits, right? Another friend nicknamed him Mak the Knife, because my hands are a mess of scratches, and I also call him Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde depending on what mood he's in -- if he's sleepy, he's a total purrball, and if he's perky and awake, I'm the best target for miles around! :-)
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Permalink Reply by acidrock23 on -
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Permalink Reply by Zoe on -
Oh, Nat, I'm so happy for you. His face spells trouble, which is what my Lula has been for the last 17 years, and I have loved every minute of it. But she cuddles me half to death when I'm sleeping (I am more likely to die from fur exphixiation than from a low), and this morning she told me there were deer outside and then the deer settled down in front of a tree behind the house, Lula into her favorite triangle and they watched each other for 1/2 hour.
Enjoy getting to know Mak's unique lovable-infuriating-perverse-adorable-complicated personality!!
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