Type 1, First Pregnancy, Struggling with Guilt/Sadness
Hi community,
This is my first post. Yesterday during some downtime at work I was googling for support and found this website. So glad I did.
I'm writing to moms or moms to be, especially T1, who have been through/are further along in the pregnancy experience. My husband and I were married in May and just found out we are expecting 2 weeks ago. While it was not a part of the plan, we are both now very excited. But besides that, I'm also finding myself increasingly stressed, sad, and guilty. I'm 6 weeks.
I've seen my endo and my new pregnancy specialized endo--I am lucky enough to be a patient at Joslin in Boston. Everyone is brilliant there and my A1C last week was 6.7 (the time before that it was 6.8). So everyone is assuring me that I am in good control, my baby is essentially growing in non-diabetic circumstances, and not to be so uptight.
I have a tendency as it is to want to slam dunk a high number with a bolus, but during the pregnancy that impulse went into overdrive. At my appointment last week, my doc told me to stop stacking boluses and to wait 3 hours after a meal bolus before treating a high, since the insulin is still working in that time. I have found that generally she's right! But occasionally a high (and I mean over 200) comes up after a meal and doesn't go down within 3 hours. That's when I feel really awful.
I know that overall it's a trend that effects the baby and not highs here and there. Overall my numbers are fine, but especially since the raging hormones of pregnancy kicked in I see one 200+ a day or at least every 2 days. It is always back down in a short time, but I can't help but feel guilty--it was something I did wrong, maybe I should have eaten something less complex, maybe I should have exercised that day, whatever. I know it isn't healthy to be so down on myself, but every day that I see a high number I find it hard not to go to that place.
My mom, who has been my T1 cheerleader since I was diagnosed 15 years ago, assures me that when I see my baby and see that the pregnancy was a success, I will be less afraid if we go for #2. I've always wanted at least 2 kids if not more (I'm 1 of 4) but with the stress of these past few weeks I don't know how I could do this 2 or 3 more times.
If anyone has words of support or encouragement, I would really appreciate it. I'm going to start practicing yoga again and try to meditate on positive things to keep my spirit at ease. It's just a rough time when all I want is to be flawless for this baby.
Thank you!
Natalia
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by acidrock23 on -
Congratulations on junior and welcome to Tu. I understand feeling stressed out about those kind of readings. I had a weird spell earlier this year when things seemed to run up. I'd have to guess that it's a lot more challenging w/ pregnancy as, in the timeframe that it seems to take me to make and test changes, maybe 1/2-2 weeks, junior will have grown and changed the playing field for you again. I think yoga is a great idea.
I would also suggest that being "flawless" for the baby might be too high of a standard to set for yourself? Challenging goals are great but should be achievable? And, besides, in 13 years it will be a teenager and let you know how flawed you are!
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Permalink Reply by nataliant on -
Haha, great points! I know 'flawless' is an unrealistic standard and every day that things aren't flawless, while it makes me sad, it also brings me back down to earth. I'm never this anal, but because of the pregnancy I feel so intense.
My pregnancy endo just recommended a book to me that already seems it will make me feel more normal for feeling so crazy. http://www.amazon.com/Balancing-Pregnancy-Pre-existing-Diabetes-Hea...
Thanks for the welcome and congrats! You seem really active on the boards--I appreciate your feedback.
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Permalink Reply by Wren on -
Your commitment to taking care of your health and well-being is really apparent in your post, and I think that in itself is a gift to your baby. From what I’ve read, fluctuating pregnancy hormones can be an incredibly frustrating addition to the already numerous diabetes variables. I’ve never been pregnant, but I read several diabetes blogs of moms or moms-to-be that might be useful. Maybe you already know about them, but here are some links just in case:
http://typicaltype1.com/
http://meewahbetic.blogspot.com/
http://sixuntilme.com/blog2/diabetes_and_pregnancy/
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Permalink Reply by nataliant on
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Thanks, Rennie. Had not heard about those sites. I appreciate the referrals!
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Permalink Reply by Christina on -
I wasn't quite in the same boat since I'm type 2 insulin dePendent. Just breath there is only so much you can do. There will be days where you do everything right and still have a number you didn't expect. My biggest advise is do the best you can do and let your docs do the worrying and try to just enjoy it! I have a healthy little girl who is almost two now and had no complications due to the diabetes.
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Permalink Reply by christy on -
Im a type 1 and was extremely HYPO the whole time I was pregnant, so just beware of knocking those highs out. Pregnancy does very weird things to diabetic women. I was always under the impression it made your numbers go sky high, but I was just the opposite. And of course, that was on horrid R and NPH insulins, not like the insulins out today. My recommendation if you don't already have one. See if you can get a pump, at least for your pregnancy it definately makes control easier to achieve. And relax you are doing a GREAT job.
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Permalink Reply by nataliant on
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Thanks, Christy. I was having lots of dips, but they had me turn down my long-acting doses and lows are the least of my worries now. R and NPH :( those were interesting days. I actually don't want a pump unless it seems really important to my endo. I used to have one in college and really just didn't like it--being hooked up, the kinking leading to ridiculous unexpected skyrocket highs, turning around in the tubing as I slept, etc. She said that if I can keep my control like it has been with the shots, it's probably a greater risk to transition to the pump esp. if I'm not interested. I'm getting a CGM on Thursday b/c my endos are pushing for that over the pump.
Will try to relax. :) One of my symptoms of highs is a feeling of chest tighteness, but these days I don't know if it's the high or my own stress! Haha. Need to remember to breathe.
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Permalink Reply by JennC on -
Congratulations to you for both your recent nuptuals and your pregnancy! I, too, am 6 weeks pregnant with my first child and a T1 diabetic. I am glad you seem to have a good medical team (and how lucky are you to be close to the Joslin Center!). I highly recommend Cheryl Alkon's book. I have read it twice now, once when we were trying, and I just finished it again now that things aren't quite so abstract. She emphasizes (as does my endo) again and again that we should not focus on the momentary highs. I wear a Dexcom and am on the Omnipod, and I constantly find myself when watching my CGM wanting to "stack" insulin. I hope that we can continue to share resources and stories so that in this community we can find reassurance during what is already a difficult period, but complicated tenfold by this pesky little diabetes!!
Best to you and I hope that all continues to go well for you!
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Permalink Reply by nataliant on
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Glad to know Cheryl's book has worked for you! I just ordered my copy today. My first Dexcom CGM (first CGM period) came in the mail yesterday. I am getting trained on it in 1 week. Hoping it will help me notice where things are trending poorly rather than make me even more OCD. :)
Glad to know we are on the same track! Let's stay in touch over these months!
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Permalink Reply by Super_sally on -
Hello, I just lost my first post.
Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a process and it's about getting through it, not about being flawless.
I have to admit I stacked insulin during my pregnancy. The thing is I knew that whereever I was at 2 hours I would still be there a few hours later. So if I was very high at 2 hours I would correct already. In fact if I was way above target at 1 hour, I would also correct. But I knew this from frequent testing. And if I did correct I would then test every hour to make sure things were not going too low.
Frequent testing is the answer here. Also know that your insulin requirements may increase dramatically. By the end of the pregnancy I was taking 5x my non pregnant doses of insulin.
I also ate reduced carb for my first pregnancy (but my insulin requirements were relatviely less for that pregnancy) and low carb for my second pregnancy (insulin requirements were so high and it felt like I was increasing every second day and injecting water instead of insulin. By low carb I'd say I was eating about 60 - 80 g of carbs /day. Both children turned out fine and absolutely no diabetic related complications.
I recommend you google Luis Janitovich and diabetic pregnancy. She is the guru on this.
Dr. Richard Bernstein's book Diabetes Solutions is also very useful, even if you don't choose to follow his diet to the extent he recommends.
Please ask away any questions. We'll be here to cheer you on.
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Permalink Reply by nataliant on
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Thanks, Sally - and everyone! I can't express the relief in just having a community to vent to that truly understands.
I am frequently testing but my endo told me to STOP stacking boluses because I was having lots of highs and lows the first few weeks. This last week, she has really tied my hands and asked me not to treat a post-meal high until 3 hours after the meal bolus. I don't always follow this, but it's true that even in that last hour, it comes down even more. I just hate that I see spikes at all, and to be honest your point about low carb is convicting.
I loooove food--not bad food, but just food period. I have not been strict about carbs--just carb counting and making sure I avoid high-glycemic index foods. That said, I know the next step will be to really be conscious about carbs and of course to exercise DAILY--something I have struggled with since learning I am pregnant and feeling sorta nauseous most of the day. Still, I used to jog 2-3 times a week and at least need to power walk as often.
Thanks for the support. :)
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