Since my diagnosis (January 18, 2012)I've finally gotten my BG under control (which I am very happy about). When I was admitted into hospital two weeks ago my BG was 512. Now, thanks to my diet changes and medications (glipzide and Metformin, however you spell them) the numbers are vacillating between 108 and 160 (and declining...today it was 63 after lunch...which was really low so I ate a few carbs too many). My body is still adjusting to the changes...and I still feel kind of weak but better nevertheless. Everyone tells me I'll feel like this until my body gets used to my "new normal".
With that said I went to my eye doctor and she said that my vision is still perfect and the slight blurriness that I'm enduring will clean itself up (just keep my blood sugars from going out of control again. That is a none issue. I fully intend on keeping them in control). Today was a really good day, my first in a few...
Yet and still I am still having issues about having diabetes.
I know that it was nothing I did wrong. I recently learned that my uncle, who is also tall and slender, is a type 2 diabetic as well (and there are other family members who have it also. So I know I'm no longer some genetic freak who just popped up with this).
Be that as it may...
The fear and shame is overwhelming. So far I managed to tell one of my friends and that is because he is living with HIV (which made it easier). He was very supportive and said that pretty soon my diagnosis will be like living with a 6th finger. Encouraging, yes. But have I internalized it? No.
I told everyone at work that I took off for a week because of the flu, not the reality. I really want to be honest but it is so difficult right now. I am scared of how people will see me. I am afraid that everyone's perception of me will change and they will go from seeing me as fit and able to someone who is feeble and needs special assistance. And the last thing I want to hear is, "Oh I am so sorry for you."
That and Diabetes scares me so much. I've not had a decent night of uninterrupted sleep in weeks. At first it was because of diabetic symptoms (the dehydration and all night urination)...now it is nightmares about Diabetes: strokes, heart attacks, amputations, gangrene, and et al. I sleep with the television on because I'm scared to sleep in the dark now.
Then mornings are the hardest for me sometime...I get up thinking about it, thinking about having to test my blood (my index finger is nothing but a pin cushion now), my adversarial relationship with food (seeing a nutritionist helped a little bit...but I am still scared of whatever goes into my mouth now. I don't even enjoy eating anymore. I just do it to stay alive now), and worrying about what it is going to be like when I go back to work (I am on temporary leave of absence). Furthermore, I hate that no matter how GOOD my BG is I'll never get to enjoy eating anything again...because I will always be one bad food choice away from a huge spike (I can't be mad at Paula Deen for having a burger. Sometimes I want to just say f*** it and have a bag of Skittles). Every year for my birthday I would buy myself a white cake with icing...I love white cake with white icing. Now it is just a memory.
All in all my biggest hurdle is not the disorder itself but my own hang ups.
Eventually I am going to have a more positive attitude about this (I am working on it)...but I just came out of my crying and moping stage. Now I'm just trying to figure out what this means for the rest of my life.
I want to be a happy, healthy, and vibrant old man someday and this just really threw a kink into my plans. I can be I just have to make all of these adjustments.
Thanks for listening.
A little indulgence is good, it helps with the non-indulgence days LOL Don't be ashamed, scared, you just have an improperly functioning pancreas that has to be looked after. It could have been eyes, or heart or kidneys, yours is your pancreas. Is all.