I just wanted to update everyone that may be wondering what has been going on. I apologize for the delay; things for us have been incredibly difficult and painful.
Daniel and I went in for the fetal echo cardiogram a couple of weeks ago, and it confirmed the heterotaxy and other fetal anomalies. Our little boy would require open heart surgery, likely immediately after birth. There was a chance that the heart defect would develop into hyperplastic left heart syndrome. There was no confirmation on whether a healthy spleen was present. There were too many unknowns, too many risks to take.
Last Thursday, the 31st of January, with very heavy hearts, we interrupted the pregnancy at nineteen weeks. It was a horrible, painful experience and I am still recovering physically. Mentally I am not doing well, and my depression has overtaken completely. We are absolutely heartbroken, but Daniel seems to be handling it better overall.
I am being pressured to return to my work as a teacher as soon as possible, and certainly do not feel ready. My job is at stake. We are out of money and awaiting disability, which I frankly do not understand and am unsure as to whether I even filled everything out correctly.
Right now I am just hoping that things get better in some way, as I feel that my entire life has been ripped to pieces and I cannot put it together again. I am very worried about our future, but will have to find hope somehow.
We will continue to hang on, and hope to try again as soon as we are ready to invite that little soul back into our lives. This time with any luck we will have a healthy body ready for him or her to grow in.
Thank you for all of your kindness and positive thoughts.
I will be back in touch when some form of healing begins.
That's very sad news to hear and I wish you well in your future struggles. An acquaintance of mine had a son born with some problems who died at 11 days. I hadn't heard about it but when we visited the library at a school when my daughter was looking at kindergartens, there was mural on the wall of the library with his name and dates on it that struck me as a beautiful gesture.
I heard from another buddy who had some similar problems that try number 2 had the same defect (although the doc had assured them it wasn't genetic...) and they didn't see it through, which I totally understand, as my daughter was in the neonatal ICU (antibiotics, she was fine, but 3 out of the 6 other kids all died within a year...) and it's a grim place. On the bright side, they eventually had a kid who, as far as I know, has been fine.
Blessings on you and yours sweet child. My son was stillborn at 8 months in 1972. You must grieve deeply and well. This is not something that one ever "gets over". But you will find that the ragged tear in the tapestry of your life can be knotted and rewoven to embrace this grief with exquisite and comforting detail. Time. Gentle days full of grief. But spring and daffodils eventually. Life will draw you back. Slowly is okay.....
I am lifting up Prayers for your resoration and healing;for you and Daniel my dear. Do you have a doctor/counslor/pschologist who can write a note saying you need weeks off? Do you have sick days that can be used for this purpose, or are all your days exhausted? In the school district that I in which I worked pre-retirement, the Union had a sick leave bank that members could donate days to; for use by members that had run out of sick leave for medical reasons? Maybe you could access that. I know mothing about disability in your state. Maybe some other Tud members could chime in?
Do rest as much as you can. Your depression will slowly lift. My mother lost a newborn son at 3 weeks, and was very depressed ( I remember that period, I was 9 years old). bBut she slowly, thoroughly recovered, and had a healthy baby girl 2 years later, who is now my 46 year old sister, a grandma herself, now. The cycle of life continues.
My condolences for your loss.
I lost 3 before my second baby. It is a hard time. My prayers and thoughts and understanding with you.
Grieve as you must. Your baby is waiting for you and a healthy body to grow in for you and for him/her. Hugs.
I'm so very sorry for your loss :( Sending you lots of good thoughts and prayers for your healing.
No words can lighten the grief, but know others are thinking of you & some have shared the pain you feel. Unbearable sadness. Women also feel such heavy guilt when pregnancies aren't healthy. Your decision was the right one, though that doesn't make it any easier.
Wishing healing for you soon.
Having been through the experience of losing a child, I can truly say that I know how you feel. I'm so sorry that you and your husband would have to go through this. Please know that it was just as hard for me as it was for my wife. I imagine he feels the same. Seeing you go through what you did, not being able to help in any way and feeling the loss just as deeply doesn't make it easier. Find comfort in each other. Talk a lot. Cry together. Scream together if you need to. Hang in there. my prayers are with you.