Where do I go from here?
Hello everyone out there! I just joined this site, actually, I just found out about the DOC from my new friend and coworker 2 days ago. I think it was fate that he and I met. He has opened my world to the DOC, and though I am tentative and shy, I see that if I do not participate, I am the one who will lose out, no one else. So here I go...
I am 37, was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes back in 1994... and keep thinking it was just yesterday. Someone reminded me the other day that is has almost been 20 years... that thought scares me, based on what I have to write here today.
Anyways...
The day I was placed on insulin, in fact almost every aspect of my appointment with that Endo back on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving of 1994, I can remember. Perhaps because it was such a bad memory, perhaps because of the words that flash into and out of my mind like scenes from a movie, or perhaps because almost 20 years later, I am still in denial, still mad, and not ready at all to laugh at this, deal with this, or figure out how to handle it. Mind you I need to say, there were times that I was in control, and I have spoken to others in clinic who ask me, what was different then than now. Different, nothing, except that it was new and seemed easier... it was my honeymoon. I had not had so many negative interactions, negative experiences with people, and never felt so mad about this disease as I feel today.
For some background: I had a 2 year honeymoon period, that was interesting. I have been on 3 separate pumps to date. I have used several different meters, injection sets, sites on my body, tape, test strips, you name it. Here is something that makes me extra special... most anything that could go wrong with these things, it happens to me.. I am a magnet for "issues" - tape issues, skin prep issues, reaction to plastic under my skin from the injection set, injection sets popping out of my skin, large red squares or circles from tape (those are quite attractive), liquid adhesives, regular adhesives, band aids, non-latex tape, latex tape, alcohol, ... think of it, I have tried it and either have a reaction directly on my skin or underneath (pain). In the last few months I have encountered a very unique category... those with Lip-atrophy... I am imploding, literally (ever wanted a tummy tuck, diabetes created one for me on the upper side of my belly button) - it is quite attractive. Oh, and another is starting.. Perhaps I should not look at the negative here... maybe if I put inserts on my ass, it would shrink it? I really could be on to something here. The new wave of plastic surgery for the future.... NOT
So, here I am a mess, physically, and quite honestly mentally (because knowing I am failing, is just as bad if not worse than failing and seeing it on the meter screen - that high number - or the hole in and I my stomach everyday. I simply cannot get myself to test regularly, to even remember sometimes to take a bolus, (despite the reminders I have on the pump, despite the connection my pump has as a meter remote - how much easier can that be, despite the fact that I will measure food and put it in a plastic bag and write the CHO's directly on the bag and calculate the number for that portion size... i just eat what is in the bag... it's like i never noticed the writing or if i did it must have been just an advertisement! Once I wore a watch with 7 alarms on it... I am great at dismissing alarms. I now have an iphone with that atomic bomb noise set for my reminders... dismiss, plus my boss jokingly threatened my job if I did not change that sound yesterday!!!
I have asked for help from my diabetes team, i truly don't get any. "oh, send me your numbers, email or fax them" I have even tried follow up calls, emails, and dropping by... NOTHING. They get lost, or "Oh, I was so busy, I must have missed it." Why do I make the effort to track, if you aren't going to help me and read them? You tell me to track that this info will help you... USE IT THEN Jerk-face.
So, I ask of anyone out there... I need a jump-start, I am lost... cannot get the engines running and I need help. I don't know where to start, how to start, when to start (oh, because if I don't start at the beginning of the week, somehow I am a failure in my mind). I have read the books, I know I am in burnout... I don't care, labels never helped me in the past, I need action steps. I just want to get help.
Help me, Help me, please.
Tags: 1, CGM, diabetes, help, lipatrophy, needed, pump, type
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Miss Miss on -
First I want to tell you you are not alone. I too have had my share of highs (I'm 470 now and can't find any reason why other than D being a pain in the ass taking the little energy I have) and lows. I have forgotten to blouses and even reconnect after a night of activity with my hubby. Like it has been said take it one small step at a time. Love yourselves. Remember YOU ARE HUMAN, that being said don't give yourself a hard time when your bg is not where you may want it to be. Just do what is needed to fix the high or low and try again. Talk to us here. There is always someone here to talk to.
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Permalink Reply by Felidia on -
Well, you are right, there is always someone to talk to here. Each post has made me feel much better and more at peace today, I cannot thank you enough for you support, time nd attention.
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Permalink Reply by Dane on -
Felidia
What a great post! You wrote about my feelings...feelings I didn't even know I was having until recently. I just expressed it as anger in everything I was doing. I only found this site a short time ago and it is a great place...I have been having my attitude and results change for the better due to my association with the folks on these pages! It is the first time in over twenty years where I have felt comfortable knowing that there are people that truly know what I am dealing with...the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have hope and encouragement to improve my situation through the shared experiences. Thanks for being real and coming to this place...now is the time to start turning things around with the help of our community!
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Permalink Reply by Felidia on
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Thank you Dane... I am glad to be among such gracious company. I promise to support you as you have supported me, and this same to everyone here who has lent a special post just to me. THANK YOU EVERYONE. I am so at peace for once in my life, or at least the last 20 yrs... I feel that maybe I can just do this.
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Permalink Reply by dzinermom1 on -
Felidia, I myself am new to this site too but get so much from it everytime I visit. Your story is so much like most of us on here. It is so nice at least to feel like you are not the only one as sometimes I find myself doing. I have only been at this a quarter of the time you have but sometimes feel like it has been a life time. I hope you get through this difficult time. At least you know you are not alone <3
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Permalink Reply by catlover on -
We are always here to help and support you. People are on TuD 24/7 all over the world. Everyone feels like you do sometime or other. That is why we come here, to speak with each other and have friends to rant to. You will be fine with a little help from your friends. Cat =^..^=
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Permalink Reply by Felidia on
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Thank you for your support and for reminding me I am not the only one.
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Permalink Reply by MegaMinxX on -
Hi Felidia,
you are getting wonderful ideas and support, and I can see in your replies you're ready to take action !Here's a link to a video you may also find interesting.
It's from the dLife website, and was also shown on the dLife TV show last week (Sunday nights).
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Permalink Reply by Felidia on
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Thank you for this link... and for your support. I never thought about it from this perspective. :)
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Permalink Reply by Cosumne Jan on -
Felidia, even with all your problems, you're still one spunky gal with a great sense of humor. Please accept those labels, I give them to you with love and respect. I just know you'll find some help here and I'm glad you're getting started.
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Permalink Reply by Felidia on
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Thank you for the compliment. I am not great at taking them, as most of the time I am putting myself down for failing at managing my diabetes... but I have to tell you and everyone out there, this website, this post, just starting to reach out, has given me such a renewed sense of myself. I actually think that I can take the compliment, I can reach out to others like myself that are struggling, ... and maybe, just maybe, I can see this situation in a different light, for once, and hopefully impact others while I am doing it too. :)
Thank you :)
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