Worst Diabetic Ever-- needs help.
I'm embarrassed. It might be that I am too preoccupied with other things, or that maybe I'm in denial (which doesn't seem possible after 12 years), but I don't take care of myself-- at all.
I think my mother and I still live 10 years ago, as far as what we recall to be new technology coming out regarding diabetes.
For the past few years I've been letting my health slip further and further out of control. I've gotten to the point that I don't check my bloodsugar for days on end. I wing my insulin intake. If I feel high, I'll shoot up some guesstimated amount.. and if I feel low, I eat. Needless to say, High is more often the case.
I take my 38 units of lantus anywhere between 8-11pm every night.
and, keep this quiet, instead of keeping records for my doctor I make them all up. Yes. I finally admit it. I'm a dirty liar. And I know very well how to work the system.
I'm just lazy. That has to be it. It's not difficult to make it habitual to keep things in order. I know this because once upon a time I had good control.
My trouble: I can't bring myself to create the good habit again.
My A1c has fluctuated over the past 5 years between 7.4 (That was a pleasant surprise) and 11.
For the past year or so my highest has probably been 10.2 and I tend to average at a solid 9.
I don't talk to anyone with diabetes or has been "touched" by diabetes, except my endocrinologist. But I'd like to?
Despite the fact that I made this account last year, I haven't done a thing with it.
and I'm looking for some help snapping back into reality because I really need to get it together. For a number of reasons. One being that I'm going off to school this fall. The main reason is that I'm tired of feeling horrible all the time.
So. If anyone has some kind of comment letting me know that I'm not the only one who sucks at taking care of himself/herself, or any ideas of how I can get back into the swing of more control. I'd really appreciate it.
Even if I have to start at the bottom up.
Baby-steps are good. Because I don't think I can get any worse than this.
Thank you (I hope I wasted no one's time).
I think my mother and I still live 10 years ago, as far as what we recall to be new technology coming out regarding diabetes.
For the past few years I've been letting my health slip further and further out of control. I've gotten to the point that I don't check my bloodsugar for days on end. I wing my insulin intake. If I feel high, I'll shoot up some guesstimated amount.. and if I feel low, I eat. Needless to say, High is more often the case.
I take my 38 units of lantus anywhere between 8-11pm every night.
and, keep this quiet, instead of keeping records for my doctor I make them all up. Yes. I finally admit it. I'm a dirty liar. And I know very well how to work the system.
I'm just lazy. That has to be it. It's not difficult to make it habitual to keep things in order. I know this because once upon a time I had good control.
My trouble: I can't bring myself to create the good habit again.
My A1c has fluctuated over the past 5 years between 7.4 (That was a pleasant surprise) and 11.
For the past year or so my highest has probably been 10.2 and I tend to average at a solid 9.
I don't talk to anyone with diabetes or has been "touched" by diabetes, except my endocrinologist. But I'd like to?
Despite the fact that I made this account last year, I haven't done a thing with it.
and I'm looking for some help snapping back into reality because I really need to get it together. For a number of reasons. One being that I'm going off to school this fall. The main reason is that I'm tired of feeling horrible all the time.
So. If anyone has some kind of comment letting me know that I'm not the only one who sucks at taking care of himself/herself, or any ideas of how I can get back into the swing of more control. I'd really appreciate it.
Even if I have to start at the bottom up.
Baby-steps are good. Because I don't think I can get any worse than this.
Thank you (I hope I wasted no one's time).
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by jeroen on -
hey Paige! So you think you're one of the few? Ha! think again! I have this diabetesthing for 39 years now and I'm getting sick and tired of it. Not always, but often enough. Sooo.... I don't stick to my diet, I live a very hectic life, I ignore the rules, and I have nobody around to put me straight. Working as a diabetes educator I tell people what to do and how to do it, and why, but at the same time I'm the worst example. Strange enough, I don't have the complications yet, but I do know the hazards and it sucks to even think about the things that can happen. The weird thing is that when I was doing everything right and my A1c was 6.6, I did get a stroke. That was fun.... NOT. So afterwards, after I worked very hard to get over that and get back into shape, I started thinking:why even bother? it's beating you, no matter what. Well, I do excercise a lot, I do check my bloodsugar about 10 times a day, I take all the extra shots to correct highs, and I do take the stupid cholesterol pills, bloodthinners, etc.
"Improve every day", Kristin says. Yeah right, but first you have to set your mind to it. You need the right motivation in order to do so. Find the motivation and you're halfway to the solution.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU!
Jeroen from Culemborg, the Netherlands
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Permalink Reply by MIKE GAIER on -
We can do this. Get better. I hear your SCREAMING. I
focus on the big stuff. Diet, I eat a gorilla's diet.
Exercise, I walk alot and use resistance bands to
strengthen myself. And loving yourself, truly and
forgiving yourself truly, and letting go of the thoughts
that weaken you. Keep in touch. Mike
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Permalink Reply by angivan on -
Oh wow, you are describing me to a tee for the first 10 years or so that I had Type 1. You mentioned "baby steps", and that is exactly what I did to get to where I am today. I barely ever checked my BG's, went weeks at a time, just gave myself a bunch of insulin at meals and hoped that worked, went "by feel" as to how my BG's were doing. Now that I'm on an insulin pump, checking my BG's 6x/day, and have an A1C of 6.3, I can't believe I was so careless in those days. But I improved gradually. First I committed to just checking my BG every morning and giving myself a corrective dose of insulin if needed. A few months later, I started checking 2x a day, then eventually 3x a day. I went from seeing my doc once a year to seeing her twice a year, then 4x a year and seeing a diabetes educator. I can't tell you how important it is to see a diabetes educator...they will save your life!
Once you start making tiny commitments, it kind of gets addictive, and you want to keep doing more because you feel better. The bottom line is that I used to have this "whatever will be, will be" kind of attitude, and it was literally killing me. Only I can control my diabetes...my doc isn't going to do it, my family isn't going to do it, it's all up to me. Yes it's overwhelming and depressing at times, but if I want to live and live comfortably, then I have to control it, fair or not. Two things to keep in mind: (1) Don't think of checking your BG as a test you're going to fail. Think of it as just finding out where you are so you can correct it if needed. One guy told me "my blood glucose is like having a rattlesnake in my livingroom. As long as I always know where it is, I can control it, but it's when I lose track of it that it can hurt me." (2) Having high blood glucose is like having maple syrup running through your veins. Take a moment to visualize this and how hard your body must work to pump syrup throughout your body. Gross, huh? You can do this...I am living proof that you can. Good luck!
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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on -
yeah, i know how that is..
i just started taking my lantus regularly like two months ago and i was diagnosed sept.15 07
and i use to just wing it, but my mom caught me! she checked my diary one day and looked at my meter and realized they werent the same and made me copy everything correctly in a new book...and i felt so bad, cuz she looked like she wanted to cry..
i dont know what made me want to start taking my medicine like i was supposed to...i think it was the creepy way my mom always said : the sins of your youth will come back to haunt you
or..i'm just really really scared of going blind.
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Permalink Reply by Janet on -
You didn't waste MY time and I'd be shocked if anyone else felt you'd wasted theirs. We're all in this together!
I know you tried using an insulin pump and it wasn't for you but I'm going to put in a plug for a pump anyway. :)
I never even thought of trying a pump until I saw the OmniPod. The pumps looked so complicated and I didn't want to have something attached to me all the time.
When I learned about the OmniPod, my perception changed. I got enthusiastic about getting a pump -- and it has changed my life. I started using it a year ago and my A1c went from 10.3 to 7.4. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
The true reason that I love my OmniPod is that it took the emotion out of checking my glucose and giving myself boluses. If a number is high, all I have to do is tell the machine to fix it. It's taken the "I'm the worst diabetic ever" feeling out of it for me, which has been the most helpful aspect because I'm more able to take care of myself now.
I still don't test as often as I should -- but I did learn from my diabetes nurse practitioner that if I'm only going to check once a day, right before bed is the best time because I'll have numbers within the target range for all those hours that I'm sleeping.
The OmniPod is so easy to use that I'm at the point that I forget that I'm wearing a pod sometimes. That's almost -- ALMOST -- like forgetting that I'm diabetic for a while. :)
For the record, I don't work for Insulet, the company who makes the OmniPod. I'm just a raving fan. :)
Keep coming back and talking about how you're feeling. We're here for you!
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Permalink Reply by Suzanne on -
Believe me you are not alone. I have been diabetic for 5 years now and go thru stages at least once a year when I think I am totally over the testing and being good thing. I spoke to my Endo and Educator about this and they said "baby steps" as everyone on here has been telling you as well. This is the best resource you will find for like minded people. We are all not perfect. Testing is the key though. I am frightened some mornings to even go near my meter but I still do it!! No matter what up's and down's you face...... there are always people here who will listen. Good luck
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Permalink Reply by Jessica Lastre on
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You sound exactly like me! I just joined the site today and was hoping to find people who understand what I am going through. I was diagnosed with diabetes two months before my third birthday (19 years ago). As I was growing up, my mother referred to me as the "perfect diabetic" always checking my sugars, giving myself insulin, eating snacks when needed, and always having healthy meals (saying, "Remember I can't eat that," if I was offered something that was 'off limits,' even at friends' houses).
Since high school (it's been 4 years now), I feel like I've been riding a rollercoaster with my health. My A1c has fluctuated over those 4 years between 8.2 and 14.5. I spent most of my senior year in and out of the hospital with diabetic ketoacidosis. For a while, I regained control and began testing 4-8 times a day. I even got an Animas insulin pump, allowed by my insurance company because I vowed it would keep me out of the hospital. And it has. But recently, I've stopped testing ALL TOGETHER, I no longer bolus, and I can't bring myself to return to my old ways.
I've never talked with anyone who has diabetes except for my brother, and he is worse than I am. I feel my endocrinologist doesn't really care and just writes me a prescription if I need it. Sometimes I BS the numbers too. I guess creating this account is my way of showing that I am trying to reach out for help. I am also on antidepressants if that makes a difference. But yes, I suck at taking care of myself.
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Permalink Reply by Anthony Holko on -
Dear Jessica.
You desperately need and we all need a vacation away from diabetes unfortunately there is no such thing.
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Permalink Reply by Cassie Kile on -
I just started visiting this site recently and it is a blessing. Keep coming back and if nothing else you will realize you are not alone and we ALL feel like "the worst diabetic" in the world at some point :) It can be so very frustrating, especially those days when you actually ARE trying and your blood sugars are still out of control.
I started my Animas pump two weeks ago and I've been having to keep very detailed logs of all my BG's, boluses, basals, carbs, etc. I'm just beginning so sometimes these numbers are pretty embarrassing! I have to admit there have been times when I've decided, oh my doctor doesn't need to know about that one :) The temptation to "BS" on my numbers is always there. But I guess it doesn't really help anyone if I'm not being honest. I had a checkup today and I dreaded it all day because I always get nervous/paranoid that she is going to see my log and yell at me! :) She never does, but I still can't shake that desire to completely make up my numbers because I'm ashamed of what they really are. I'm determined to eventually get to the point that I can actually hand over my log and be proud of it!
As determined as I am, I still have lots of days when I just get so frustrated ("WHY MEEE?" :) ) I want to cry, or scream, or both. You just want to give up. But that's when I come here. And I realize how many of us are out there, and I read stories from people who are going through almost the exact same things I am and for a few minutes out of my day I can take all of those moments that had me frustrated or in tears and I can laugh about them. I think that's been the key for me, to get through this. There's such a fine line between having control and being so obsessed with having control that you drag yourself down over the little disappointments. I'm trying to learn where that line is so I can stop beating myself up everytime I have a log I'm not so proud of :)
If you ever need to talk about anything, we're here, I'm here.
Cassie
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Permalink Reply by Marie B on -
I was just thinking about this post the other day, and I've recommended it to many. Many, many of the replies, in my opinion, are just so darn rock-solid the TRUTH about diabetes (type1 in particular) that I think it may be my favorite discussion of all time.
I think the thing that helped me out the most was Kristin's remark about NOT thinking about your numbers being a "grade" on you as a person, but training yourself to say "wow, I'm glad I caught that number now instead of later". It's pretty unfair to think of your numbers as grades, or report cards, because some people with type1 have such a difficult time achieving any sort of control, and others have had it for many years, paying only moderate attention to what they are eating and drinking, and have a1cs in the 6s, few complications, no DKAs or hospitalizations. So who gets the gold star? Who's better? It's unfair (not to mention NOT helpful) to the one who's struggling to criticize, and it's not right to the one who is not to praise them. just my thoughts. I'm always telling people we are a "no blame, no shame" kind of place to be, and not blaming myself has helped me take better care of myself. That's basically why TuDiabetes has changed my life!
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Permalink Reply by Gerri on -
So true, Marie!
Excellent point about who gets the gold star. We all deserve gold stars.
The only T1 friend I have has had diabetes for almost 34 years. Until recently when he got a pump, he tested erractically, really didn't know how much insulin to take & ate horribly. He ended up in the ER with lows frequently & once in jail overnight because the police thought he was a belligerent drunk. Thank heavens he has no complications from 33 years of no control. It's a miracle.
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