How do I say this? Where do I begin? How do I admit to myself that I am the problem? It's difficult...
I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes on March 1, 2009 at the age of 20. Between July 1, 2009 and November 2010, I spent 4 visits and stays in ICU for DKA. Each time making a solid vow to myself to do better... to treat my body and soul right and take care of myself. Each time I have failed.
I am a successful professional manager in high stress venues. I am consistently contracted to perform nearly impossible management transition tasks that only a fool would take on. I am capable of managing multi-billion dollar budgets and high-volume stressful situations and people, but I cannot, for the life of me, take the time to manage myself and my Type 1 diabetes. My last a1c result (4/20/2012) crash landed at 11.5, the worst number yet.
I do not see an Endo anymore since I lost my insurance, but I do take time to visit a local FNP that specializes in Type 1 Diabetes (he is one himself.) And my diabetes management is not a reflection of him... simply my gross attempts of taking care of myself.
I take Lantus and Novolog and I get the "general gist" of what I am supposed to do. I understand numbers and know the formulas... I just can't force myself to do right... to eat correctly, or even do the simplest thing.... take the freaking Lantus before bed.
I need help.. Motivation. Am I the only loser who will not force himself to save his own life?
I can't keep living this way. I can't keep looking at the nurse when she shows me the meter that says "313" and I say, "That's a low for me!"
Desperately needing help,
This post and the replies hit home hard!
A real community feeling <3 Matt, all the responses are there, I have not much to add. Only that I was in your situation only a year ago and I have been T1D for more than 8 years. I am there too, slowly getting out of D'nial-anger-grief, down to 8.3% now, trying to do what everyone suggested, including seeing an awesome therapist :)
Why bother? Because you CAN do better, you CAN feel better physically and emotionally, it DOES make a difference! why bother taking a shower? why bother brushing your teeth? Treat it as any other daily routine and work on getting rid of the guilt, with time you won't be forgetting your Lantus before bed, and that is a step towards the right direction. Mine is sitting either in my bedside table or by my toothbrush; I may still forget to do it but now is once every 2-3 months instead of ever other night.
You will, or you won't. It is all up to you--and a support network of friends, family, other ds (here is great.)
I was diagnosed in 1962. Had a baby (not in 62!! There were no glucose monitors at the time) and never paid much attention until I was 40-45. On a whim, had an A1C, and it was bad--not 11.5, but in the 8-9 range. I got terrified. I basicly stopped eating much of anything, found a good endo, and lost 65 pounds. My only side affect is some pretty heavy retinopathy. I thought mine was bad, but after some recent posts on this, I had problems, but not like some.
I have been struggling lately--big life changes, I guess.
My point is that we all struggle and deal, as best we can. Is stress a factor? Food choices? Exercise?
In today's world, 313 would freak me out. In my past pre-meter world, who knows?
Do you have insurance now? If not, have you considered a new job that has health coverage? That would really provide the ability to use the latest tools--they get better every day. There are so many things out there--pumps, CGM, even therapy.
Good luck and let us know when the community can help.
I was diagnosed at almost the same age as You. I was 21. Back then there were fewer treatment options and testing was difficult at best.
I think You are just in denial of the reality of diabetes. When I was 21 I would drink and eat to my hearts content and just bolused large ammounts of insulin afterward. My a1c was never as high as yours, but I'm sure my control was not much better.
If often didn't work very well and I found myself getting sick. Super low to super high.
First I learned to eat and drink whatever I wanted and how much insulin to take with it.
Then after a while I started to back off. After the reality set in.
25 years later I still hate having to think about it.
I have a pump and a CGM now. Actually I think I take care of myself much better now because my pump constantly nags me. If I were at 300 I would get a nudge every 5 min until I got it back in line.
It is what works for me. Allow yourself your process but remember if you have landed in the hospital already from DKA , the next time might be the last.
I think it took me a good 2 years to get into a health state of mind and good groove with the reality of the rest of my life.
You can get there too,