I am a type 1 diabetic. I became symptomatic at about 13, and went undiagnosed until 19. I had parents who worked a lot, and I was home alone most of the time. My step-mom was an alcoholic, and most of the time when she was home, I stayed in my room. Sometimes when I wonder how I went so long undiagnosed, I just think back and remember. I had a troubled childhood. I bounced guardians a lot, I dealt first hand with being abused, and by my teens I was really introverted, and only felt comfortable with my friends.

I was misdiagnosed as type 2 and received inadequate treatment for two years before falling into a coma with ketoacidosis. At the time, my spouse had left me and thrown me out of my own home in favor of a high school student. I am told that while I was in the coma, my heart stopped several times. When I woke up, I was told that I was not going to live. The hospital's compassion program tried very hard to prepare me for the experience of death. I did not die. And it left a hole inside me for a very long time. One that sometimes I'm not sure ever went away. I just remember being so angry that God gave me such a s***** life and then didn't have the decency to take me when it was my time. I wrestled with the desire to commit suicide for a year. I was so sick of the hospital that I did not tell the doctors I was suicidal. And I grappled with carrying my insulin all the time, every day. I used to sit up at night, crying, with my needle in my hand, thinking how easy it would be. Something always brought me back from the edge.

Miraculously, four years later, I am married, and pregnant. But my husband and I share a house with someone I used to regard as a friend. Sadly, over time I have discovered he is very controlling, and becomes angry when he does not get what he wants. He has always had issues with me, always follows me around and bothers me for every little thing I do. On the one occasion someone tried to defend me, it was my Mother. He grabbed her and tried to physically throw her out of our house. My Mom is not a small woman, and she was terrified. He tore the shirt she was wearing, and she was so afraid that she forced me to move out for several months. Now she has moved away and I have nowhere to go. I don't feel safe. I had to leave.

My husband is stuck between me and his friendship. I'm tired of being a difficulty in his life. I'm tired of people having problems with me. I'm tired. I am suicidal today. I am staying at a friend's (and that can't last forever) and I'm panicking. I'm scared my stress will hurt my baby. But now I'm scared to have it with no home and no father. I'm scared I can't trust myself. I'm so scared. Everything always falls apart. I ruin everything and no matter where I go everything is a mess. I can't live this way anymore. And I can't bring a baby into my world like this. And I'm falling apart because I really thought my life was together now. It's not. And I'm not. I don't know what to do.

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Replies to This Discussion

Dear So Scared of Everything,

I think you need to get some support - in person asap. Can you go to a mental health agency or phone a friend?

You are talented and depression can really limit how you view things. Can you visit a doctor?

Best wishes :)! Hope you feel better soon. Get Help ASAP!
I am trying to get out of work so that I can go to the hospital. I am scared I'm hurting my baby.
hello, pls don't give up.. i can tell that there is a reason that you have been given another life despite your heart failures when you are at the hospital..
let me tell you something about my principle in life.. when there is something wrong with your life, grab your life by the neck and demand whatever it is that you are asking for..
i'm a type 1 insulin dependent diabetic since 1998.. i tattooed that above my arm pit to satisfy myself.. i think it is another way to release of my chest what i feel about this freaking ailment.. i suggest that you do something to satisfy yourself and be happy.. im sorry for what happend to you but please let it not end that way.. it's not supposed to be.. just live your life to the fullest, find your happiness and then enjoy life.. sometimes, when i am depressed, i just scream F******CK DIABETES or something.. it makes me fell good.. you should try that sometime..

First off, your husband needs to be one yours and the baby's side. Obviously his friend isn't a very good friend if he is acting that way he is. Your husband needs to understand the importance of you being relaxed for the baby. You have been through so much in your life already, which I'm sure has made you into a strong person. I have a lot of faith that you will be fine and everything will work out for the better. If you ever need to vent or just talk, don't hesitate to contact me.

Kristen Marie




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