Okay, so this is my last year in this group as I'll be 21 in about 6 months. :P
This rant is about all the things that have gone through my mind ever since I was diagnosed. Everyone, just feel free to write your heart out in this discussion, 'coz I'm doing just that. I just have to get it all out.
You have been warned.
To start off, the first thing that went through my mind when I found out, was WHY? WHY ME?!? People around me would say that I've been a very strong person and they wouldn't have handled this as well as I have. I'm sure they mean well. But @those people: Just because I don't tell everyone about how I'm feeling, how unfair all this is, how, at the end of the day, you can still go home and eat that chocolate cake, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, in any quantity, you can go out for a freaking walk and not worry about getting a low, you don't have to carry a ton of medical supplies everywhere you go, you don't have to pierce your finger a million times......well whatever, it doesn't mean that doesn't go through my mind every minute of every day. Fine, I'm not so psyched about my D. And I don't have to be! People say I'll learn to live with it. I'm sure I will. Doesn't mean I'm going to love it. I know I won't. Having diabetes has sure made me realize how important some things are in life, and how trivial others are. It has made me more responsible, careful and strong. But I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies.
I'm sitting in at the station, waiting for the train, and I hear girls cribbing about their f***ing pimple and how their life it so awful because of it. News flash girl, people have it worse than you do. Just be happy about the things you have! I see people, not even kids, guzzling down litres of cola and stuffing themselves with candy, and I think "They are just ruining their health" or "How come they can eat whatever they want?" I know that doesn't make me sound like a good person, but I can't just ignore these voices in my head.
I heard one of my relatives tell my mother how it's so sad that I got D. And how she should've been more careful about my diet when I was younger. I could see the tears in my mother's eyes. Well, I've got news for you Aunt ___, people don't get T1 because of something they did or didn't do, much less their parents. (Just be thankful your kids don't have it.) When my mother tried to explain it to her, she wasn't even ready to listen and just thought my mother was making excuses for "ruining my life". I swear I could've punched her in the face right then and there.
And that isn't even the saddest part. The saddest part is that this is what most people around me think.
I also hate the fact that I'm crying as I type this.
When the doctor broke the news to me, I was with my mother. I didn't cry. She did. And that is when my heart broke. That is when I realized that her sorrow was bigger than mine. I can't even begin to understand what must've been going through her mind. I swore I'd never tell my mother about any of the things I said above because I don't want to put her through more pain. Same with my dad. He pretends to be really strong and tough but I know inside, his heart must've been broken too. My little brother, whom I love to bits, he was asked to make a wish at the chapel, he said that he wished my Diabetes would go away. He may be a kid, but he realizes what our family has been through, in the past 6 months.
And that is why I think this isn't fair. Fine, I can live with it. But why does my family have to live with it too?
Okay, that is all I could think of in 10 minutes. But I'm sure there are many things buried where all that came from.
Whoever has had the patience to read all that, I thank you. And I hope that everybody who wants to rant about anything at all, will post here without being judged or criticized. :)
We're all normal, Brenna. You're only 13, you should be proud of the fact that you are living with this. Most people don't even realize how hard it is. I've realized that those people are too stupid for me to waste my time on. It's normal to feel depressed at the beginning. It's what I felt like when I found out that my life won't be the same anymore. We're all here for you if you want to talk. Just remember we've all been through that too. :)
I found the poem that I told you about. It was written for children who were handicapped but I substituted diabetic at some spots I love it. Erma Bombeck wrote it:
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of diabetic children are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."
"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."
Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a diabetic child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a diabetic child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."
"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect -she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a "spoken word". She will consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"
"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".
"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.
God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."
Wow, that was so beautiful! Absolutely wonderful....I HAVE to show this to my mum. Thanks once again! :)
All you wrote down,, felt like i was saying it... feel exactly the same... i get so angry when thinking of it alll... no words.
I still feel that way, but not as strongly as I used to. Time has been the best healer. You'll get used to it. :) Just try to be optimistic. :)
My daughter has type 1 diabetes as well and I am saddened by it only because I wish that she did not have to go through this. I try to stay strong so I can help her cope. It just struck me after reading this that maybe she tries to stay strong to help me. It is interesting how we can do for those we love that we maybe couldn't do for ourselves. I know that I am more careful with her diabetes than I am with my own.
I wish you the best and appreciate your kind words of parents of kids with diabetes; but I know I speak for her as well as for myself, that we would do anything it takes to help our kids live happy lives. Please don't feel bad about what your family is doing for you; if it were the other way around you would do it for them and would not want them to feel bad. I'm sure you give to them in many other ways and this is why they are happy to help you.
Thank you for your kind words, Aimee :) I'm sure I would do the same for them too, if (God forbid) they were going through this. I wish you and your daughter the best. :)
I don't have it but I have a husband and two teenagers with it. If often feel the same thing for them. I want to rant at times too so go ahead, I think you all should get your feelings out as it is better than holding them in and becoming ill. Write all you want I will listen and not judge! I wish you all the best.
thank you for sharing that!!! incredibly brave & moving!! my stepson, 16, just got diagnosed on 8/26, Type 1, me and his dad have no idea what to do..we are just trying to get educated, be supportive & just to let him know we are there for him. Our stepson is a twin (identical) his brother has been incredible...very supportive!!
It helps me as a parent to read what you wrote because I don't have any other way of knowing those kinds of insights!
I hate when ignorant people find out you have diabetes and they immediately ask, "Why aren't you fat? Diabetics are usually fat." Or, "Can you like, not eat sugar?" Its just like, REALLY?!? I mean really, no one can survive without sugar. Well, there's my brief rant. :)
I know right! Ugh, that bugs me so much. I'm skinny so I get that a lot too :|