Okay, so this is my last year in this group as I'll be 21 in about 6 months. :P
This rant is about all the things that have gone through my mind ever since I was diagnosed. Everyone, just feel free to write your heart out in this discussion, 'coz I'm doing just that. I just have to get it all out.
You have been warned.
To start off, the first thing that went through my mind when I found out, was WHY? WHY ME?!? People around me would say that I've been a very strong person and they wouldn't have handled this as well as I have. I'm sure they mean well. But @those people: Just because I don't tell everyone about how I'm feeling, how unfair all this is, how, at the end of the day, you can still go home and eat that chocolate cake, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, in any quantity, you can go out for a freaking walk and not worry about getting a low, you don't have to carry a ton of medical supplies everywhere you go, you don't have to pierce your finger a million times......well whatever, it doesn't mean that doesn't go through my mind every minute of every day. Fine, I'm not so psyched about my D. And I don't have to be! People say I'll learn to live with it. I'm sure I will. Doesn't mean I'm going to love it. I know I won't. Having diabetes has sure made me realize how important some things are in life, and how trivial others are. It has made me more responsible, careful and strong. But I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies.
I'm sitting in at the station, waiting for the train, and I hear girls cribbing about their f***ing pimple and how their life it so awful because of it. News flash girl, people have it worse than you do. Just be happy about the things you have! I see people, not even kids, guzzling down litres of cola and stuffing themselves with candy, and I think "They are just ruining their health" or "How come they can eat whatever they want?" I know that doesn't make me sound like a good person, but I can't just ignore these voices in my head.
I heard one of my relatives tell my mother how it's so sad that I got D. And how she should've been more careful about my diet when I was younger. I could see the tears in my mother's eyes. Well, I've got news for you Aunt ___, people don't get T1 because of something they did or didn't do, much less their parents. (Just be thankful your kids don't have it.) When my mother tried to explain it to her, she wasn't even ready to listen and just thought my mother was making excuses for "ruining my life". I swear I could've punched her in the face right then and there.
And that isn't even the saddest part. The saddest part is that this is what most people around me think.
I also hate the fact that I'm crying as I type this.
When the doctor broke the news to me, I was with my mother. I didn't cry. She did. And that is when my heart broke. That is when I realized that her sorrow was bigger than mine. I can't even begin to understand what must've been going through her mind. I swore I'd never tell my mother about any of the things I said above because I don't want to put her through more pain. Same with my dad. He pretends to be really strong and tough but I know inside, his heart must've been broken too. My little brother, whom I love to bits, he was asked to make a wish at the chapel, he said that he wished my Diabetes would go away. He may be a kid, but he realizes what our family has been through, in the past 6 months.
And that is why I think this isn't fair. Fine, I can live with it. But why does my family have to live with it too?
Okay, that is all I could think of in 10 minutes. But I'm sure there are many things buried where all that came from.
Whoever has had the patience to read all that, I thank you. And I hope that everybody who wants to rant about anything at all, will post here without being judged or criticized. :)
Thank you for this post. I am the mother of a 15 year old who has had type 1 since age 12. Your "rant" could have come out of her mouth. I know she feels these same things, but she doesn't want to worry me. Without even knowing each other, you have given me (and her) a true gift. Bless you and thank you. Keep talking, keep "ranting"....you can't keep all of this inside of you!
I'm glad I could help you in the tiniest way possible. :) You're right, I can't keep all this inside. I tried for 6 months and this post is the result of that. Thank you for the reply, it made me feel much better :)
Vrinda - thanks for sharing this (hope it might have helped you rant a little too?). My daughter was diagnosed in November. I have been so proud of how strong she is - a little insight from what you wrote - just because she doesn't show it, say it, doesn't mean she is "good to go" with the whole diagnosis. And thank you, for recognizing how hard this is for your mom. I wait until I drive to work every morning before I cry. My heart breaks a little bit almost every day, for her, over and over again. As a mom, i always believed that the love I have for my children is fiercer than anything else out there and that my love for my children can protect them from anything and everyone. How hard it is to learn that is not always true. I don't have to poke myself x# times per day - that is not my reality, but I do have to watch her do it everyday and know there is nothing I can do to change it. I am greatful tho., that I can be a part of this and live with it for her and I am sure your family is too. Thanx for posting!
I'm sure that goes through every mother's mind. I've seen my mother cry a couple times too. She tries to hide it, but I find out anyway. I truly believe parents are the unsung heroes here. Thanks for your reply, a little insight into a mother's mind. :)
We are not the heroes - you are.
I'm not denying that. I'm just saying you are too. :)
I read this post and I just want to say thank you for saying how you feel. I am a parent of a t1 daughter and she was diagnosed at 4yr old and is just about to turn 8. She tells me sometimes that she hates her life. It kills me but I understand why because ever since she was diagnosed I feel the same way. I hate this disease. She is seeing a therapist (yes at seven) because I want someone there she can talk to when she doesn't want to feel like she is making me sad. Thanks for saying what we are all thinking sometimes keeping it inside doesn't help anyone.
KEEP YOU CHIN UP AND I AGREE YOU ARE A SUPER HERO! ask your mom she will tell you the same thing! That is what I tell my daughter every day. As for your aunt you will run into that type of misunderstanding for the rest of your life. My sister (my daughters aunt is the same way)THEY DON"T GET IT!! Just say a quick prayer for them that nothing like this will EVER happen to them. (sometimes it helps me) There was a beautiful poem that someone sent me when I first came onto TUDIABETES about diabetic mothers and angels. I will have to look for it and send it to you. You could share it with your mom!
Thanks Holly! I'll definitely show it my mum :) As for your daughter, she definitely is a fighter. So young! You must be really proud of her, I don't think most 7 year olds can handle it. My best wishes to you both :)
Vrinda, we ALL feel like that at times, I've been diabetic for 11 years and I often look at people and think how do you not have to worry about what happens to you BG after you eat? Its so annoying but doesn't last long and life goes on :)
Hope the rant helped get some of those things out
Yeah, I'm hoping it doesn't last long, fingers crossed. When I look at people and think about all that I also feel guilty. It's not their fault I'm diabetic either.
Anyway, it makes me feel better that I'm not alone, thanks to this community. :)
And yeah, the rant did help. :D Thanks Danielle!
I love this post. It couldve come out of my own mouth... also, people are so STUPID. WHen people found out i had diabetes, some of my friends started to avoid me because they didnt wanna "catch it" or because im a "gross, diseased person". it makes me feel like dirt.. and its not even my fault and theres nothing i can do about it. I feel so depressed sometimes because of this and im only 13... i just want to be normal again...