I have d for nearly 3 years, and have struggled with my a1c and numbers continually, as my body does what it pleases with insulin, sometimes it works and my numbers look AWESOME, other times i bolus and correct and correct and bolus like its my full time job to no avail. I have always tried to look at my d in a positive light, because people endure far worse everyday, up until recent times, I have been successful. Lately, I just can't seem to conjure up the energy to even give a crap. I know the consequences, I know what its doing to my body, I know I feel like crap. But, I really, really, just don't care anymore. I'm tired of fighting with it and writing every detail of my life down for a team of doctors to scoff at, like they know anything about what its like to live with this disease day in and day out. Well, guess what? They don't. They really have no freaking clue what its like to do something day in and day out or face a death sentence. I am really just needing some encouragement, that someone else out there, knows where I am at, and can give me some flame of ambition.
I know, I am still grieving, and still hurting. The loss of my son, and brother lay heavily on my heart, and I broke off an engagement after my son passed, for good reason. But, now what? It seems my life has fallen apart, and I just don't care.

Views: 32

Comment by Frances on October 10, 2010 at 5:56am
Hey, this is the depression talking. A lot of crap has rained down on your head recently, that is for sure. But you have to look at yourself as worthwhile and as being here for a reason, even if you don't know what that reason is yet. Are you seeing a counselor? Are you on any meds for depression?
Comment by Brunetta on October 10, 2010 at 7:15am
You ARE here for a reason!!! It is so normal to grieve after what you arhave gone through.. and diabetes is NOT an automatic death sentence.. I know you want to live.. It is so hard when the doctors do not understand and want to blame you over and over agin when the numbers ae not picture perfect....Please take it a little bit at time.. If you have stopped testing, see if you can increase it by one test a day.. If you are unsure of the bolus, slowly change your carb ratio. Just do one step at a time.. You cannot do it alone all time: do you have any support at home or from friends, just someone who can call to check on you everyday? It Never hurts to ask..I will be praying for you in Church today., that God will send his angels around you for peace and protection.

God Bless,
Brunetta
Comment by SF Pete on October 10, 2010 at 11:18am
You have a lot going on. Several significant life events seems to have come to you all at once. There's a reason why you feel fried and don't care any more. I'm terribly sorry to hear of your losses. It must be overwhelming. Part of pulling yourself out of this is to try and do the things in life that you have control over. Start by caring for yourself. One thing about this condition is that it takes practice. Three years in you're still relatively a newbie at this. Your medical professionals aren't heartless or not understanding. They want the best outcome for you as possible. Right now they seem like enemy. They really are trying to help.

You are in the right place. This is a community of people just like you. Everyone here can help you. You can vent, you can ask questions, and you can find people who understand. There is a wealth of experience here. I've been diabetic since I was 13 and I have to admit that I've learned more since I joined in July than I had ever learned before. Use the knowledge that is here. Since joining, I've been able to get into really good control because I'm inspired and instructed.

You need to start again with the basics. Test your glucose. Don't be upset if you've got a high number, it is an opportunity to figure out something. What had you eaten before? What was your carb ratio? Maybe that needs to be changed. Diabetes brings with it a certain amount of lifestyle change. Rome wasn't built in a day. Start with the testing and working on bringing your numbers into line. It could be that you need to tweak some of the formulas. You might consider picking up "Using Insulin" and/or 'Think Like a Pancreas" -- both of these will help you understand what's going on inside you with the insulin you give. I found them very helpful and "Using Insulin" got me motivated to get a handle on this.

Do you have a therapist or counselor you can talk to? You have had a lot come at you in a very short time. Sometimes we can't do all of this on our own. Depression goes hand-in-hand with diabetes, and with the other significant things that have happened, you're head is completely spun.

It will get better. Honest.
Comment by Kathleen on October 10, 2010 at 6:29pm
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It seems like life sometimes just keeps kicking you in the teeth, But God is the lifter of our heads and you need to let Him lift yours. Just take one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. I was somewhat in the same place as you, only quite a bit different. I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed for months. I did see a therapist and I am on Prozac and Wellbutrin. Thank you Father God for medicine. He did create it you know! Don't let anyone talk your out of getting help. Talk to your doctor about your sadness, and if they don't listen..... It's time to find a new doctor. You can not go through this without some help. Jesus is there standing right beside you and He loves you and wants you to feel that Joy unspeakable, and the Peace that surpasses all understanding. He is Jehovah Shalom - the God of Peace. You can do this sister! I am praying for you and lifting you up to the LORD!
God Bless you and keep you safe.
Comment by Les on October 10, 2010 at 6:34pm
Pete has given better advice than I can. My D has been with me for only 5 years. When I was in the Navy I told many of my people that their problems were not that they were in the Navy but were part of the struggle to survive on this planet. My condolences on your losses. Our middle son died 3 years ago and my condolences are sent with feeling and understanding. At 81 years old, I may not have much time left, but intend to make the most of it. Never give up. Hang in there. All the best.
Comment by Gerri on October 11, 2010 at 12:14am
So very sorry for your losses. Difficult to focus on anything when your heart is broken. Grief takes a terrible toll on our energy & attitude. Doesn't really matter if others have it worse, you're going through what you're going through & it hurts. Grief support groups help.

You're right. No one who doesn't live with diabetes has a clue what it's like. I've learned not to expect any degree of understanding or validation from doctors. People here are supportive & understand.

The hardest step out of the hole is the first one. Take one positive small step & others will follow. Give yourself credit for what you accomplish, whether it's testing, eating well, talking a walk.

You can do it & you will. Everyone goes through periods of burn out. My attitude is not fighting it. Diabetes is a very unwelcome partner in my life, but making it a fight or battle makes me feel defeated.
Comment by Autumn on October 12, 2010 at 1:32am
You're right. No one knows exactly how you're feeling right at this very moment but there are people who can understand parts of your pain. When I was in college I got very depressed over my diabetes and the huge amt of work it takes to get minimal results. I ended up trying to OD with insulin. When I woke up the following morning (thanks to God) I realized that I needed to get help. Call someone, have a friend help you find a counselor. If you don't click well with the 1st 1 or 2 you meet with, keep looking until you find somone to help you unpack everything and deal with it. Deciding I was worth the effort it was going to take to get mental help was the best decision I ever made. YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT.

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