Bipolar Disorder – Suicide as an Ally
Having the will and the means to commit suicide does not have to be a sign
of desperation. It is the ultimate in personal power and can be an
asset. I see it as a shield against all evil on Earth. I don't have
nearly as much evil inside me now, and what is still there, I am no
longer afraid of. Before suicide can truly become a shield, major
sources of hate, fear, trauma, etc. must be reduced from the mind and
soul, every tiny degree of reduction adds to your power. This places
suicide into your hands and takes it out of the hands of past bad
memories. I know this is hard to do, it took me many decades to
figure it out, and it really helps to live in the present.
All of my suicide attempts were born in the past, from a time I was
damaged in some way. Because of bipolar disorder, some of these
memories became deadly over the years, became much worse. Because
depression is part of bipolar disorder it just happens. Any little
event of the day would bring memories up from the past and add to the
pain of the present. It's a vicious circle of pain and death.
Refusing to try to be normal, like to grieve for a reason, gives
bipolar people the chance to grieve for no reason at all. This is
something unique and interesting, and is a powerful way to find a
productive and fulfilling life in spite of all this.
I am an ultradian cycler, meaning I get manic and depressed 4-8 times a
day. I always believed I was the unlucky one, but because I can go
from manic to depressed in 30 minutes, I was able to watch and feel
it happen once. Deciding I was not going to look for something sad to
go with my sad mood, just for once, was an experience I will never
forget. After 30 minutes I felt good, like it had never happened.
Because I no longer get depression hangovers, from thinking bad things during
a depressive cycle, my periods of mania are more tame too. In 2 weeks
I cycled half as many times every day. This gives me so many more
hours to be productive, to do the things I love doing, the overall
effect has been astounding.
I still get manic and embarrass friends in restaurants, and get
depressed, but those times I use for writing and for poetry. Life is
a lot easier now. I still think about suicide at times, and most
bipolars do, that's part of it. Normal people may think about suicide
once or twice in their lives but I am capable of doing it any day for
the rest of my life. This is pure and ultimate personal power.
Because I am capable, I am also safe, especially from the past, so
suicide is mine. Not many people have this kind of power. This gives
me impunity from any power or pain on planet Earth. Nothing can touch
me now, I am powerful, and I have protection from the ultimate evil,
through my safe and trustworthy ally, suicide.