Suicide as an Ally
Bipolar Disorder – Suicide as an Ally
Having the will and the means to commit suicide does not have to be a sign
of desperation. It is the ultimate in personal power and can be an
asset. I see it as a shield against all evil on Earth. I don't have
nearly as much evil inside me now, and what is still there, I am no
longer afraid of. Before suicide can truly become a shield, major
sources of hate, fear, trauma, etc. must be reduced from the mind and
soul, every tiny degree of reduction adds to your power. This places
suicide into your hands and takes it out of the hands of past bad
memories. I know this is hard to do, it took me many decades to
figure it out, and it really helps to live in the present.
All of my suicide attempts were born in the past, from a time I was
damaged in some way. Because of bipolar disorder, some of these
memories became deadly over the years, became much worse. Because
depression is part of bipolar disorder it just happens. Any little
event of the day would bring memories up from the past and add to the
pain of the present. It's a vicious circle of pain and death.
Refusing to try to be normal, like to grieve for a reason, gives
bipolar people the chance to grieve for no reason at all. This is
something unique and interesting, and is a powerful way to find a
productive and fulfilling life in spite of all this.
I am an ultradian cycler, meaning I get manic and depressed 4-8 times a
day. I always believed I was the unlucky one, but because I can go
from manic to depressed in 30 minutes, I was able to watch and feel
it happen once. Deciding I was not going to look for something sad to
go with my sad mood, just for once, was an experience I will never
forget. After 30 minutes I felt good, like it had never happened.
Because I no longer get depression hangovers, from thinking bad things during
a depressive cycle, my periods of mania are more tame too. In 2 weeks
I cycled half as many times every day. This gives me so many more
hours to be productive, to do the things I love doing, the overall
effect has been astounding.
I still get manic and embarrass friends in restaurants, and get
depressed, but those times I use for writing and for poetry. Life is
a lot easier now. I still think about suicide at times, and most
bipolars do, that's part of it. Normal people may think about suicide
once or twice in their lives but I am capable of doing it any day for
the rest of my life. This is pure and ultimate personal power.
Because I am capable, I am also safe, especially from the past, so
suicide is mine. Not many people have this kind of power. This gives
me impunity from any power or pain on planet Earth. Nothing can touch
me now, I am powerful, and I have protection from the ultimate evil,
through my safe and trustworthy ally, suicide.
Don
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Comment by Muragaki on November 27, 2010 at 7:55pm
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This is a powerful and incredible piece of writing, Don.
I recently read somewhere about someone who was in a position of choosing between having the courage to die or the courage to live. Your writing here illustrates that concept somewhat, and helps me understand it more clearly.
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Comment by Judith on November 27, 2010 at 8:22pm -
Well said.....
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Comment by twiddlemthumbs on November 27, 2010 at 11:54pm -
How honest you have been I thought my swing moods were bad the cycle of life for some is not for the faint hearted you really touched a vein in me for the past 2 months I have been taking anti depression pills which have made my life so much better no thoughts of jumping of bridges running away,you can be surrounded by loved one's but seem so alone my thoughts my prayres and best wishes rach out to you.
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Comment by lotsofshots on November 28, 2010 at 9:53am -
Having bipolar, I understand well when you say depression just happens. It is not just being a little sad or under the weather, and it doesn't sneak up, it is a sledge hammer, biological and chemical. The brain is an organ just like the pancreas, but as with diabetes and insulin, medication it is not a complete substitute . Since bipolar means living with these intense feelings of mania and depression , learning control as they ebb and flow does give you competence and power. I like your choice of the word ally, not in that it means a friendship with suicide or pain for me personally, but a relationship, a mutual occurrence, one that I am willing to accept as much as I am willing to accept low blood sugar as part of my life.
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Comment by Natalie ._c- on November 28, 2010 at 12:27pm -
I gave myself permission to commit suicide and then decided I didn't need to do it now. It IS somehow comforting to have that thought in the back of my mind when suicidal ideation gets heavy. I'm unipolar, not bipolar, so I don't get the mania, but the depression is hellish. For me depression is worse than diabetes, because it's so heavy.
I'm not depressed right now -- a couple of months ago, it lifted, just like a snap of the fingers -- I don't know why or how, but am enjoying the relief. But I will always have utmost compassion for those who are depressed -- having been there, I DO know what it's like, and am afraid it will hit me again.
Don, thanks for bringing up this sensitive topic!
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Comment by MissKitka on November 28, 2010 at 2:52pm -
Thank you all for your comments. I believe endos, doctors, and psychiatrists are all nothing but blacksmiths trying to fix super complex problems and organs with hammers. It's a bloody wonder we are all here talking about this "banned by society" subject. Natalie is very correct in saying mood problems are way worse than diab. LotsOfShots was correct in saying no regime of medications ever totally fixes anything. Thank you Twiddlemthumbs for appreciating my honesty, and the kudos from Muragaki.
Life can be such a struggle, especially when a person is different and people who are close don't truly understand, but how could they unless they were also mentally ill? My big beef is that many places in the third world, people like us are fed and housed by the local community and people line up to ask questions of the special (mad) person. Respect is not something forthcoming in our society. This is also true of elders, who are treated with the highest respect in the third world as sources of valuable knowledge and are seen as a liability here????
Don
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Comment by Peetie on April 23, 2012 at 12:23am -
Thanks for posting this Miss kitka. I can relate to many of your points. I too understand your idea that suicide is an ally. I'm so glad that you choose to write because your poetry is beautiful. Joanne
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Comment by Natalie ._c- on April 23, 2012 at 1:59am
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Well, Peetie brought this subject back to life, so I'll give you an update. Although I do wish it would go away and never come back, I HAVE had another episode of depression, but my permission to myself still stands, and I really believe that I DON'T need to do it immediately, and it actually got me through the episode better than anything previously had. I'm over the episode now (it was about a month and a half ago) and doing OK, but I think this is a thread worth reopening from time to time -- there may be newbies who haven't seen it before.
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