So i'm kinda freaking out.

My mom just made the appointment with my Endo for Tuesday to get my A1C checked. It was 8 last time i went and they weren’t too happy about that. For the last 3 months or so i have been AWFUL at taking care of myself. Most of the time i only check my blood sugar once or twice a day (its supposed to be 3) and i can’t remember when my blood sugar was in the 100s. I just know that my A1C is going to be awful. I just know it. I’m afraid too. My mom is saying things like “If you get a good reading then we can go celebrate!” And i know that it’s going to be like 13 or something. I mean. It’s not like i eat a bunch of sugar and i don’t take my insulin. I just don’t check my blood sugar and i forget to carb count. I just guesstimate what my carbs are. (I know i’m a horrible diabetic who is going to die at age 30)

I used to be so good at this. I was so so diligent about carbs and sugar. And now it’s like i can’t find the will power to even try. I know all the consequences. But i don’t know. I just can’t take care of myself properly. I’m going to try. But i’m so afraid of this damn A1C. If it’s bad they will yell at me and yell at my mom and they might take my pump away. I can’t go back of shots. I just can’t.

And even if i have 100 as my blood sugar everyday until Tuesday it wont count on my A1C. It gathers info from the last 3 months.

This is too much for a 16 year old to handle. I just wish it was easier.

Views: 270

Comment by mistressbinky on March 20, 2011 at 6:02pm
you're not a bad person. it's just taking a toll on you mentally. Hey, try texting am, noon and bed time. In a few days try testing am, noon, dinner, and bed time and see what happens.
Comment by Sarah Moulton on March 20, 2011 at 6:18pm
I think your comment "I can't find the will power to even try.....I used to be so good at this. I was so diligent about carbs and sugar." --is a good clue: it sounds like you are burned out. And maybe....understandably angry that you have this EXTRA time consuming and difficult JOB of being a diabetic 24/7, in addition to homework and everything else.

So, on top of this, you are dreading what you think may be a lecture with lots of guilt tripping thrown at you.
-How about if you come up with a few sentences that you can use during the appointment so that people cannot automatically guilt trip and/or scare you? Like "I have been feeling overwhelmed by all the responsibility of being a diabetic; I know I can do better, and I don't need anyone else to make me feel bad about how I've been managing my blood sugars -- I feel bad about it enough on my own already. That should shut them up. You don't need a lecture, you need support so that your motivation will return.
Yelling at you will not help. Ask them for practical tips to make the day to day routine easier and less of a burden. Ask them to imagine having to do all this! Easy for them to have all these "shoulds"; to live with it is another thing entirely.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
~from a type 1 (33 years and counting)
Comment by Dominique Jones on March 20, 2011 at 6:47pm
i know EXACTLY what you are goin through. Ive been diabetic since i was 15. Right now t age 22, things are still not any easier. But u have to remember that it does not matter what mistake you've made yesterday. It what you do from here on out. Dont punish yourself for your mistakes, learn from them. Diabetes is and everyday battle. As far as your a1c test. you are right, you may get a bad reading but let that not discourage but motivate you to regain control.Trust me i know hard it gets. right now working,being a college student and controlling my diabetes gets to me sometimes but i know the complications that come from poorly controlled diabetes will be alot more difficult to deal with....so i just do it!

good luck with everything
-attitude is everything, pick a good onee :))
Comment by Manny Hernandez on March 21, 2011 at 1:40pm
Kayla,
You are not horrible, amiga. Diabetes is a lot for anyone to handle. I would like to recommend a book titled Diabetes Burnout, which is a great read to help us through the ups and downs this disease brings into our life:
http://astore.amazon.com/bestdiabetesbooks-20/detail/1580400337

Sending you a big hug and reminding you what the optimistic hamster always says:
http://www.tudiabetes.org/photo/583967:Photo:153501
(one day at a time...)
Comment by LACA310 on March 21, 2011 at 2:11pm
Hey, no matter how it comes out, this doesn't make you a horrible person.
Hope all goes well with your appointment. Maybe you will be suprised.
Comment by Rene on March 22, 2011 at 7:39am
Your too down on yourself!! You are putting on the pressure trying to make everyone happy. Your A1C is important but forget it. You need to take one piece at a time. First start being diligent about testing your sugars, when you have that going well start counting, I know that is hard, that is the part I hate the most but I have learned you don't need to be exact with time your guess become more accurate when combined with testing your sugar.
Most of all you are causing your sugars to go up purely from stress and worry. This is the hardest thing to fix but try talking to yourself and reminding yourself that you can do this, you do the best you can and it will work. Just remember "I can do this!"
Keep in touch!!!!
Comment by Cara1028 on March 22, 2011 at 7:52am
Kayla, your post reminds me of me sometimes.... I get really down and give up- but, I always pick myself back up. Surround yourself with positive, helpful people- and think about maybe finding a more supportive and postive endo. I was seeing the same witchly endo for nearly 11 years- she made me cry every time I stepped foot in her office. Finally, I started asking around (I'm a teacher, so I asked our school nurse who the diabetic students in my school like) and ended up changing my life drastically. Best of luck to you- don't give up, you're stronger than that! :)
Comment by DEBCDE on March 23, 2011 at 1:40pm
Kayla
I am a cde, mom and dont have diabetes. My heart is with you, I remember being 16 and what did , ate, or thought did not make me a horrible person, you are making hard choices right now! You need to hang in there, let the number be a start, a place to move forward, remember this day and the day you get your number is the first day of the rest of your life. YOU are a good person with a need to start now!
DebCDE
Comment by Sandy Palmer on March 23, 2011 at 5:38pm
Kayle, I haven't read all the replies that are on here to you but I was in your shoes and as far as not finding the power to do better I am still there. The only thing I can tell you is that maybe honesty would be the best bet in this case. You could ask your Mom to reschedule to give you some more time and start back at the basics. Maybe ask her for help to get involved again and relearn it all. I'm sure she would love to help you out and it may make you feel better about it too. It is way too much for a 16 yr old to handle alone and asking for help is always ok even when you are an old timer (36) like me. You are not a horrible person at all. Your a diabetic that is trying hard and we all fail. The only thing is get back up and keep trying. Good luck to you. You will do ok. Hope they can reschedule your appt b/c I know how hard it is to go in when you know how bad the verdict will be.
Comment by Sheila Fitz on March 24, 2011 at 5:36am
I suspect that the hormones of being sixteen contribute to this situation. Instead of trying to be perfect, why don't you commit to eating the least worst option as many times as you can for awhile? I get hungry, and the hardest thing is to have a healthy option to satisfy my hunger. I can work through this because I've been cooking for forty years, but my non-diabetic sixteen year olds are not good at making food when they are hungry and will grab whatever. It's hard, but sometimes, it begins with a good shopping list for the grocery store. I'm a newish diabetic, and I found that the more carb restricted I became, the less I craved carbs. Have you joined a support group online or otherwise for diabetic teens? I have two 16yo girls, and their lives are full of activity and stresses without the burden of diabetes. Even a counselor at school would listen to your struggles. Start again with Day 1. It's ok to get mad at diabetes. One thing that I have to rant about is the availability of candy and other bad choices in school cafeterias which is a whole other topic.

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