speechless
It's funny. I used to think of myself as an elloquent debater and an artisan of ligual acrobatics. Now, I struggle when people, in passing, ask me how I am.
I was recently diagnosed as with diabetes mellitus or commonly known as type one (for all you diabetics out there). The months that have followed have been nothing less than emotionally exhausting. Not only on me but everyone that surrounds me. Keeping that stiff upper lip and poised exterior has been difficult to say the least. I've broken down so many times. Depression gets the best of me at the worst of times. I'd like to say that I've come to terms ultimately with my diagnosis. But I know that it's far too early in the game to claim any sort victory, big or small.
I wish I could legitmately point blame. If nothing else it would just alleviate some of the pressures I feel to "just be okay". I think most of my family had gotten to the point where they are no longer pitying my situation and just want the old Jess back (whom ever that was). The soldier in me keeps saying "drive on" and "stop feeling sorry for yourself". The college student in me is crying out for reasoning and facts- why is this happening to me? So much of my life veered a hard turn when they told me I'd be on insulin for the rest of my life that instead of counteracting the blow it feels like I'm just tumbling down a hill instead of being on my path.
I graduate this May with what I feel is a useless degree. More like a pivitol waste of money and time- but who's keeping score? I was supposed to spend a year in Camp Anaconda, Iraq before venturing out into, what is claimed as the "real world". I saw it more as my first adventure on my own. I'mm 22 and I still coddled by parents and relatives. I'm pathetic. Now with diabetes I'm seen as "unfit" for duty and will be medically discharged out of the US Army. So with that I graduate and now have to find a job. Hooray - real world (please note that last sentence was oozing with sarcasm). Immediately after diagnosis, and in hindsight probably my smartest move while amoungst totally chaos, I decided to create a bike team and raise money for the Tour de Cure in the Twin Cities, MN the end of May. I think I saw it as one of my famous fronts that I always put on- "Look at me- I'm okay! I'm doing good things". I didn't realize that the ADA would be a big supporter and the source of even more support. To surprise me even more is the most random of people from my life have joined the team and wanted to be a part of it all.
With my lovely of driving people that care about me off since I'm upset I've had lots of time on my own to think and reflect. Who I used to see myself as. Who I see myself as now. Who I want to be. I think that's why I'm trying so hard to "just be okay". Ultimately to be stronger than my diagnosis. So when people passby and ask "Hey, Jess! How are you?" I passively look up, grin, and say "I'm good, How about yourself?" instead of telling them the truth about how I'm feeling so empty inside and that I need someone else to validate my thoughts and tell me not I'm completely insane and looney. Although I can honestly claim my life isn't all that bad, I can tell you that it's not a bed of roses either.
I obviously have a lot to say. Everything has been bottled with the pressure mounting slightly everyday. I guess I'm not as speechless as I boast.
I was recently diagnosed as with diabetes mellitus or commonly known as type one (for all you diabetics out there). The months that have followed have been nothing less than emotionally exhausting. Not only on me but everyone that surrounds me. Keeping that stiff upper lip and poised exterior has been difficult to say the least. I've broken down so many times. Depression gets the best of me at the worst of times. I'd like to say that I've come to terms ultimately with my diagnosis. But I know that it's far too early in the game to claim any sort victory, big or small.
I wish I could legitmately point blame. If nothing else it would just alleviate some of the pressures I feel to "just be okay". I think most of my family had gotten to the point where they are no longer pitying my situation and just want the old Jess back (whom ever that was). The soldier in me keeps saying "drive on" and "stop feeling sorry for yourself". The college student in me is crying out for reasoning and facts- why is this happening to me? So much of my life veered a hard turn when they told me I'd be on insulin for the rest of my life that instead of counteracting the blow it feels like I'm just tumbling down a hill instead of being on my path.
I graduate this May with what I feel is a useless degree. More like a pivitol waste of money and time- but who's keeping score? I was supposed to spend a year in Camp Anaconda, Iraq before venturing out into, what is claimed as the "real world". I saw it more as my first adventure on my own. I'mm 22 and I still coddled by parents and relatives. I'm pathetic. Now with diabetes I'm seen as "unfit" for duty and will be medically discharged out of the US Army. So with that I graduate and now have to find a job. Hooray - real world (please note that last sentence was oozing with sarcasm). Immediately after diagnosis, and in hindsight probably my smartest move while amoungst totally chaos, I decided to create a bike team and raise money for the Tour de Cure in the Twin Cities, MN the end of May. I think I saw it as one of my famous fronts that I always put on- "Look at me- I'm okay! I'm doing good things". I didn't realize that the ADA would be a big supporter and the source of even more support. To surprise me even more is the most random of people from my life have joined the team and wanted to be a part of it all.
With my lovely of driving people that care about me off since I'm upset I've had lots of time on my own to think and reflect. Who I used to see myself as. Who I see myself as now. Who I want to be. I think that's why I'm trying so hard to "just be okay". Ultimately to be stronger than my diagnosis. So when people passby and ask "Hey, Jess! How are you?" I passively look up, grin, and say "I'm good, How about yourself?" instead of telling them the truth about how I'm feeling so empty inside and that I need someone else to validate my thoughts and tell me not I'm completely insane and looney. Although I can honestly claim my life isn't all that bad, I can tell you that it's not a bed of roses either.
I obviously have a lot to say. Everything has been bottled with the pressure mounting slightly everyday. I guess I'm not as speechless as I boast.
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Comment by Carly on March 25, 2008 at 7:21am -
I totally feel ya...I usually try to put Diabetes in the back of my mind (which is hard to do with a pump attached to your body, or checking your blood sugar every hour). Sometimes I just break down because the looming consequences of this disease seem so unfair and so determined to ruin all of my plans! I tend to just spend a night every couple of months crying and letting it all out, either on paper or to my very patient boyfriend. You seem to be a great writer, so I would highly recommend getting it all out on paper some time!
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Comment by yda1027 on March 25, 2008 at 7:37am -
I'm a type 2 diabetic for almost 2 years now, until now I am still in the process of accepting this illness... coz for the nth time I have to say this, it's very hard to have this kind of illness especially when you're not rich and to add, you live in a very poor country. It's hard to fight this battle especially when you're not equip for fighting.
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Comment by Judith on March 25, 2008 at 12:14pm -
It's the pits, isn't it ladies?! I call my meter The Leech. I'm working on a poem to recognize 1 year of The Leech sucking the life out of me---calling it: "The Predator in My Sock Drawer." 15 months in, I'm struggling now to get the dawn phenomenon under control by starting my day at 4:15 AM to test and have a piece of string cheese to stop that rising BG#. It's a whole new life post-diagnosis, no doubt about it. And yes, it does take family awhile to figure that out! And I'm so sorry it's disrupting your life so badly at such a young age, Jess......Take care all.....Judith in Portland
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Comment by Toni Crebbin on March 25, 2008 at 12:46pm -
Jess,
It's hard to balance a positive attitude while still being honest about how you feel, but it can be done. That's why this site can be a good resource, as well as a place to vent with people who understand. I really try hard to focus on the things that diabetes has taught me (yes, it can be a good thing), educate myself, and ignore the negatives. I've been T1 for almost 16 years now, and I'm a very active, healthy person. Keep your chin up!
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Comment by mollyjade on March 25, 2008 at 12:56pm
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It gets easier. Things become second nature, and diabetes will be your new normal. One day, you'll feel honest saying "I'm good". If your friends and family are sick of hearing you talk about how hard this is, there's nothing wrong with going to see a counselor. Diabetes can be a huge load, and talking about it with someone you don't have to feel strong around might help.
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Comment by debb on March 25, 2008 at 4:03pm -
hi jess, i'm a type 2 diabetic. i have been since 2004. until i came on this site and read all the stories that are on here. i thought i had it bad. i'm only now realizing i'm one of the lucky ones. but don't get me wrong. i remember when i was first told about my illness. it didn't bother me that i had to take medicine for the rest of my life, it was having to change my lifestyle that upset me. i had to start eating more fruit (that's ok), i had to start eating more veggies. yuck!!! plus the medicine. no more of the "good" stuff like doughnuts etc. i thought like you, why me? what did i do wrong to be punished like this? it took awhile and i'm still fighting the family "demons" who say it's ok if i have some of this, i don't eat it all the time, so it's ok. sometime family members have the hardest time dealing with stuff like this. they do mean well and they don't want you to have to give up the things you like. but...when they come around, WOW. they will stop looking at you like you have two heads and the support will be fantastic. then when you have a handle on this disease (mentally) you will also notice that maybe they weren't being as bad as you thought. sometimes we exaggerate what's there. if you know what i mean. as far as the real world goes. it's not so bad. you just have to make it conform to your new lifestyle. it's a new challenge, like boot camp was. i could go on and tell you all the "stiff upper lips" stories and all that but i'm sure you don't want to hear them. who does? we are all here for you, we have all been there and are still fighting the fight. why?? because there is something in each of our lives that make us give it our all. mine, is my family, my kids and grandkids. i want to be a part of their lives so i do what i have to do....you will too. then it will be like mollyjade says. it's second nature, it's the new normal. you can do it. take care,debb....
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Comment by Steve R on March 25, 2008 at 7:42pm -
Thanks, Jess.
Welcome to the Type 1 Club. I think Groucho Marx said something like "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." We're all stuck with this one, at least for now. What MollyJade above is right on the money. .
College Degree useless? If nothing else, the degree says that you could complete something that is hard to do over several years. Congratulations..
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Comment by Alessandra Paganin on July 13, 2008 at 7:46am -
Hi! When I came back from the hospital in 2006, all the people in my village (in Italy I used to live in a little village) used to ask me "how are you? Must be so hard!"..god it was soooo annoying!!! I wish I could have kept it private, but as I was taken to the hospital with tha ambulance and spent a week in intensive care, everyone knew about me.:-(
Of course I didn't and don't mind when my friends ask, bacause they care, while othe people just curious or that even worse they feel pity for you...ohhhh!!grrrr!:-)
Anyway never think that your degree is useless! Never!you've been working hard for it!hope we'll be friends!Take care, Ale x
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