Comment by Marie B on May 29, 2008 at 8:08am

I know, it's like I'm testing all the time, and if that number is over 7, I feel like a failure, too. At least in school there seems to be more of a direction correlation between the amount of effort you're putting into studying and the grades you receive. I just got back from having my blood drawn - get there at 8:45, fasting, bg was 140, full waiting room, wait an hour and 10 minutes, go home, bg is 265. I'm sick of the whole thing!

Comment by Judith on May 29, 2008 at 12:47pm

All this is familiar to me. Tmana did a thoughtful post awhile back about diabetes and eating disorders/disorderly eating. What resonates with me on that one is the emotional unbalance that go with such things. We are not necessarily bulemic or the like, but we are insanely body-focused and need to be. I think this manifests in us in relation to Our Numbers.

Earlier this month, my A1c went from 5.8 to 5.3 and I was pleased---for about a minute. Then it was---okay, fine, but next time it could jump up again for reasons that will not be clear. I tell my partner that it is like taking a quarterly SAT. All the platitudes about it not being a judgement of one's life fall away and what is left is I blew it. Or for sure I'll blow the next one.

Sigh. I think there are gender issues here, too. Though on that front I think it is woven together with our society's distaste for disabled people---for any and all people deemed lesser for whatever reason. You understand I'm talking perceptions and societal obsessions, not that we necessarily define ourselves as less than anyone!

We can all say we mustn't be so hard on ourselves, but it is easier said than done. I really need to get better at meditation. Thank the gods for gardening, which is as close as I come!

Take care.....Judith in Portland

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