so today my Diabetic educator from the pump company came over, got me all educated-hooked up to a saline solution, and left. it happened so quickly. i was left sitting at the kitchen table, completely encompassed by books, manuals, plastic wrappings, pump supplies, meter supplies, old insulin pens, my old meter, alcohol swabs, the whole shebang. i immediately felt (excuse the ridiculousness of the following cliche), impending doom. i began weeping and basically having an anxiety attack.

my educator, after i had called back, assured me that when they came back for a second time, to start me off on insulin in a few days, when i had gotten used to the pump, that i might feel a little less overwhelmed. but i cant imagine. i feel like i am drowning in a sea of calculations, math (which i am absolutely terribly at and have no grasp of whatsoever!), and this painful little thingy sticking out of my belly. and on top of my slight emotional breakdown, i had to ask my educator...so.....what do you do with the pump when your...you know....messing around. [what?! its a valid question. lol.] so she explained the three S's...in front of my mum. (VERY embarrassing, but i will say i was like..nooo i believe in no premarital relations gahhh, i just wanted to know about messing around lol. slow down lady!] but anyways im still extremely anxious about the whole pump thing. apparently being on the pump- i require a whole heck of a lot-less insulin, then i did when i was using my pens. its still a hard concept for me to grasp. when i needed 2 units of a correction shot in the old days, now i only need.2? it seems like such an insignificant amount.

my mom and my friends are all perfectly healthy and completely do not understand my anxiety, fear, overwhelm-ness (yes not a word, blah blah blah), and how i always like to know when i will be eating so i can have enough time to take my meds. i honestly wish i had a friend to turn to, who was also diabetic, so they could empathize not just sympathize. sometimes i need more than just" everythign will be okay", i need" everythign will be okay, trust me, I've been there before". that would be very helpful and calming.

but i suppose that's why i joined this website! >/body>