So...I had my appointment yesterday with my CDE. She was helping me with a meal plan and such so I could work on "more healthy" eating. Something about somebody telling me what I can and cannot eat sets a fire in me. All the way home, I sat in the car and rambled on to mom about how I hate when people tell me what I can and cannot do. Now, being almost 21, I do understand that they are trying to help me. But I always say I am going to die when I die, so let me eat what I want, and enjoy. [yes, i do realize not the smartest way of thinking...] One thing with starting the pump and taking post meal levels, I have seen the effects different foods have on my BS. It's amazing how what I once used to eat all the time I must limit now. Ugh, it's just frustrating...and the thing is I have lived with the big "D" for almost 11 years. It's a part of me...and yet sometimes I just want to give up. Before the pod I would eat without bolusing or go a day without taking my BS level. It's strange to think I could let something so vital float away from me like that. Sometimes I just get so frustrated with the "D"...I go high for no reason and it makes me want to give up. But knowing I cannot give up...even more frustrating. When I get like this I ramble, so I apologize for the random thoughts here and there. Back to my original thought. Food. Why is something that helps us live be so detrimental to our health? Choice. Always have choices. I am going to eat what I like, just in moderation. I am willing to make comprimises. I am giving up icecream, for the most part. Found out it does wonders on my BS levels afterwards. I'm willing to change to whole grain bread, rather than white wheat....I'm willing to give up my string cheese snacks. So, you can see I am willing to kind of meet half way, if you will. It is just so frustrating when someone tells me I CAN'T eat something or do something. "D" effects all aspects of my life. It has held me back from doing some things. It has also helped me to do some things I wouldn't normally do. It's not a win-win situation. Every where I go I wonder if people will treat me differently because of the "D". It scares me, to be honest.
Ahhh, so many thoughts go through my head on a daily basis about this...it's like my life. Which, of course, it is my life. I guess part of this has to do with the fact I have never had someone around me who knows what I am going through. This site has helped alot, but it's still not the same as someone sitting across from you...knowing how you feel. In a perfect world, I wouldn't think this way. But, alas, no such world exists. So for now, I will have to hold my head up high and not let "D" overcome who I really am. I need to step out of my shell and experience how it is to live. With "D" or without, I can do anything I put my mind to. And I am determined to live a better life and be in control, instead of uncertain circumstances controlling me.
Will it ever go away? I hope and pray that sometime in my lifetime they find a cure. But until then, I will be in control.
Somehow I will conquer this, and overcome it.