cracking at the edges
i'm starting to break. mentally, i'm exhausted. i've got no one who really understands and i'm afraid to voice my fears to my loved ones too much because i don't want them to be scared. i know that in the back of their minds they know the risks i live with. it would break my fiance's heart if he heard the fears in my mind these days. he's so afraid for me already and he doesn't want to think of what may happen. i can''t fault him for these. i worry about him in the same manner. i know the risks he has in his life, but it kills me to see the possible future he may deal with. i wish i could cry one someone's shoulder. i think my cats are sick of me sobbing while i pet them for some hope of comfort and company. the days go by and things just look worse and worse. and i never thought i'd miss crackers so much in my life.
i'm worried about my body as well. i'm afraid of taking so many meds all the time. i have three infected hair folicals which i've been trying to treat homeopathically because i'm worried that if i take antibiotics too often (i just had a round a few months ago due to a pump site infection) they won't respond properly anymore. one has nearly gone away and another seems to be shrinking too. the third and newest one still has no change. if nothing improves with it by the time i see my diabetes educator on the 10th, i'll ask for the antibiotics. i also have an irritated cut on my leg near my achiles tendon. normally i'd just hit it with neosporin a couple of times and not worry, but with the infections i have right now i may be freaking out (perhaps over-reacting, perhaps not). you can go ahead and get what my biggest diabetic complication fear is if you want. i'm keeping an extra vigilant eye on it and will treat it as many times with as many things as i can. i'm just afraid that as far as my health is concerned i may have fallen into the "too little, too late" catagory. i'm tired, scared and confused. i wish i had more help...and a time machine so i could tell stupid young me to stop being so stupid and just get on the ball already. mabee then i wouldn't be in such a panic and i wouldn't be so stressed all the time because i'd already have my diabetic stuff sorted out to where it needs to be. instead it's like i'm stumbling around in the dark.
i'm worried about my body as well. i'm afraid of taking so many meds all the time. i have three infected hair folicals which i've been trying to treat homeopathically because i'm worried that if i take antibiotics too often (i just had a round a few months ago due to a pump site infection) they won't respond properly anymore. one has nearly gone away and another seems to be shrinking too. the third and newest one still has no change. if nothing improves with it by the time i see my diabetes educator on the 10th, i'll ask for the antibiotics. i also have an irritated cut on my leg near my achiles tendon. normally i'd just hit it with neosporin a couple of times and not worry, but with the infections i have right now i may be freaking out (perhaps over-reacting, perhaps not). you can go ahead and get what my biggest diabetic complication fear is if you want. i'm keeping an extra vigilant eye on it and will treat it as many times with as many things as i can. i'm just afraid that as far as my health is concerned i may have fallen into the "too little, too late" catagory. i'm tired, scared and confused. i wish i had more help...and a time machine so i could tell stupid young me to stop being so stupid and just get on the ball already. mabee then i wouldn't be in such a panic and i wouldn't be so stressed all the time because i'd already have my diabetic stuff sorted out to where it needs to be. instead it's like i'm stumbling around in the dark.
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Comment by karen on August 31, 2008 at 9:51am -
Sweetie stop beng so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes as a young thing, that is how we learn what to do and what not to do. It is part of the growing up business. Remember the more you worry the more you bring more problems on just because your worrying will add stress to your system and we all know what stress does to us. Step back and take one thing at a time. Once you conquer or even understand that one thing you can move to the next one until you have slowly whittled away those nagging concerns. Remember one step at a time, one day at a time, and always try to find one good thing in each moment, hour, day, etc.. As the stress goes so do the worries. And remember we are always here with a shoulder for you to cry on until you feel like you are ready to pick up the fight again and move on with purpose. hugs to you!
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Comment by Lee Ann on August 31, 2008 at 10:43am -
If ever there was someone who should be the poster child for Too Little Too Late, it's me. If you know anything about me, you know I'm damn lucky I'm not dead. But somehow I'm here fighting teh good fight. I can't say I never give myself a mental beatdown for having disregarded my 'betes for almost 20 years, but for the most part, I've forgiven myself and I've tried really hard to transform all of that into something positive.
Just take care of those little infections, and honestly, don't be so worried about becoming antibiotic resistant. While I think there's something to be said for homeopathic interventions, you don't know what kind of bacteria is causing those infections, and that's not something to play around with, IMO. At the very least, but some antibiotic ointment on those things, and check with your doctor if that doesn't seem to help.
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Comment by Kathy on August 31, 2008 at 2:16pm -
Oh gosh. I'm a 34 year veteran of db and spent about 25 of those years completely paralyzed by fear. I never planned for the future because I thought it was already written that I wouldn't have one. What a horrible waste. And yes, if I'd known I would live this long I would have taken better care of myself.
Find a therapist, preferably one who specializes in health related anxiety. Maybe your CDE can recommend one. You absolutely need to talk to someone - a non-friends/family person who can be objective.
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