when i am good

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Comment by saundra barragan on September 19, 2008 at 7:49pm

hey Debb,
YAY.!! WOMAN POWER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You make me smile. Thank you.

Comment by debb on September 19, 2008 at 7:24pm

thnaks saundra,
yeah i guess we are a few miles apart. thank goodness it's only an e-mail away by computer. so i can play with you via computer any time you want. thanks for all that wonderful praise, i am blushing as i type. somedays i wonder if things will ever get better around here, but then i think of all my firends who have things worse then i do and i know that i can get through every little bit that is thrown my way. i am so very happy that you came through surgery and are back here where we can all talk to you. i know you still have a big way to go, and that you are taking time from your healing to send out words of incouragement to those of us who are in need of your wisdom. but then again you are also getting back everything that you give out to us. you are such a giving sweet wonderful lady and i thank the good lord that he brought you and everyone else here into my life.
to tell the truth i like the bad debb. she does things that helps me get through all the crap in my life. i just wish she would come up with snappy remarks faster. i always remember what to say a few hours after the fact. so she needs to work on that, and she needs to stay away from food. other then that we have some good times together. i'll bet it won't be long before your playing with the grandkids again. it takes a lot to keep a good woman down.
woman power!!!!!!

Comment by saundra barragan on September 19, 2008 at 6:55pm

Hi Debb,
I am so sorry I did not see this post before. I cannot even imagine a bad bone in your body. You are such a wonderful and loving and giving person. Just seeing that you have posted somwhere makes me happy because you are always helping one of us in need. I deeply regret not giving when you needed. You make me smile and my day is better just seeing your name as having replied to a post. You are always in my heart and in my prayers. I know you have been having a hard time and I have taken so much time to be running for me. I am sorry that one person can make you feel so down about yourself. For me you have such tremendous value. It isn't because you smile or because you have been good today or because you have accomplished something today or lost some weight or any of the other things. You are so valuable because you are you. I am so happy to be your friend and to know you. And i am so happy to be able to talk to you. You have so many wonderful qualities and i am sure you would be an extremely fun person to play with. I haven't actually played since July, with my grandkids, but i bet you would be a hoot. If we can ever get within a few hundred miles of each other would you come out and play with me? I am sending you my love, my hugs and my deepest appreciation for having you in my life.
Blessings be to you, my sister, my friend.

Comment by debb on September 7, 2008 at 3:29am

thanks melissa,
that's why i love TuD. when we get down on ourselves there is always a friend or two to help us pull ourselves back up. i "feel" that it gets so judgemental around here sometimes that i want to hide under my blankets and never come back out. the more self consicence i get about myself the more i "think" i see people looking at me and tsk tsk'ing. it upsets me that i let my estranged husband get to me. he is very critical about my weight. even though he doesn't say anything i can see it in his eyes. it very funny that he has always complained about my weight, but when i would try to do something about it he would tell me that i was taking away time i needed to be taking care of him and our family. even if it was during the day when he was at work. this is the part where andy nailed it. i do have to give myself permission to do for me, to give myself praise and take the time for myself. with all of my wonderful friends here at TuD reminding me that i'm not alone and to take each day one at a time, i can do what i need to do. bad girl, your going down. ok, she can come out once in awhile, she can be extremely fun to play with. lol !!!!

Comment by MelissaBL on September 6, 2008 at 11:22pm

Hey, debb. I know what you mean. I think many of us know exactly how you feel. At the end of the day, like you said, it's you and the mirror. Or you and the meter. And all your efforts seem to stare back at you and laugh. I was such a perfect little poster child diabetic for almost 10 years and never had control. So in college, I said f*** with the efforts if they don't produce results. It was then that I let myself slide down a slippery slope and learned what lack of control really meant. I'm better now. I work REALLY REALLY hard to be better now, testing 12 times a day and eating right. In 4 months, I've brought my BMI down a whole 2 points, too! I worked out with a trainer for 7 months (no weight loss there), but I found results through changing my diet.

I was very bad last weekend. I had been doing almost perfectly with Weight Watchers for the last 18 weeks. I was losing about a pound a week steadily, smiling, watching my insulin needs, my sugars, my weight, and my issues steadily drop to more reasonable levels. Then I went away to spend time with the in-laws for Labor Day weekend. In one weekend of pizza, burgers, fries, cake, and no structure, BOOM - 2.6 pounds gained back and roller coaster sugars.

You can beat yourself up, or you can remember that you know how to get back on track. It's a new day. Yes, yesterday will be reflected on the scale, in your A1c, etc. But today is your chance to try again. At the end of the day, when it's you and the scale and the meter, all that matters is that you know you tried, debb. You are so strong. You deal with an obstacle everyday that your associates, friends, and neighbors can't fathom. And you do it with generosity, warmth, and laughter. You deserve to have a bad day once in a while and not have to suffer for it and you deserve to know that we value you and are here to help you through your bad today...because one of us needs your help for our bad day tomorrow.

Comment by debb on September 6, 2008 at 5:49pm

thanks andy, that's a tough one. i was taught that praise is not given for things that's your suppose to be doing anyway. my husband was a marine and unless i screwed up on something he never made a comment. i have always praised my kids for everything they did because i felt that praise was important. i won't tell you how hurt my kids felt when their dad didn't praise them. not even for good grades. praising myself is very hard. i do what i do out of love for them, i am only now begining to learn that i am improtant too and that i can deserve praise. i have to remember to give that praise to myself everyday so that i can start to feel better about myself. it's going to take awhile to bring out that good girl and keep her out. it took 32 years of conditioning to make me feel unworthy, so it's taking me time to change enough to feel worthy again. everyday is a little better then the last. but whenever he comes around i still feel myself shrink a little inside. waiting for him to put me down and trample all the good feelings about myself. i don't even think he realizes he doing it anymore. i am getting better. i do know that i'm a good person. now i just have to make myself believe it way down deep. i am taking steps to help myself get there. losing the weight is one of them. tonight i was looking at that birthday cake in the fridge and guess what? good girl won. i refuse to eat after 7 pm so i think i'm in the clear. bad girl won with the pizza for supper but she didn't get her way with the cake. even though it breaks my heart to throw away food tomorrow the cake goes in the garbage. heck i might as well throw it out tonight. your good for me andy, thanks...................

Comment by Andy Barnes on September 6, 2008 at 4:24pm

You are spiecal just the way you are.

Comment by Andy Barnes on September 6, 2008 at 4:23pm

Debb noticed a theam when the good girl is out I did not hear any praise!!! And the bad girl you beat yourself up. Praise yourself when you are good and keep praising yourself. It's not easy but you can do it. Good Luck
Andy

Comment by Beth on September 6, 2008 at 6:45am

Well sounds like you have a plan to keep busy this winter, I don't make those kinds of plans, I never keep them. I just go with the flow, I never know from one day to the next how bad I am going to hurt. I don't turn my furnace up because I don't get cold, but then again I don't pay my heat, the landlord does. But he did raise the rent 25 dollars to cover some of the cost, but with my daughter working for the landlord, we don't pay rent either or should I say it comes out her pay.

Comment by debb on September 6, 2008 at 6:38am

i'm usually good until christmas, but then for jan and feb it's like i'm in a holding pattern, just waiting for warmer weather. nothing fun to do. i hate winter, hate the cold, hate the snow, hate driving in it. i might have a mild case of depression then, but it's not bad. i don't go into a funk or anything. it's just BORING. this winter my daughter and i are going to be working on silk flower arraignments and jewelery. so maybe i won't be as bored. just cold. i'm not turning up the furnace very far. not with these prices. lol !!!

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