a few feelings that run through my head

i just sat down one night and started typing about how i feel with be diabetic and this is what came out...(sorry for typos or bad grammer)...

me and my type one diabetes walk hand in hand every single day, every single minute and every single second and we always will until the end of my time. i hate it. it takes over so much of my life but it will never take over first place which is me, which is why i stated "me" first. the constant thinking, testing, counting, eating, injecting, thinking, testing, counting, eating, injecting and so on and so on
nag me constantly. it's a battle that few do successfully. ever so frustrating, the highs and the lows. i hate being high. grumpiness consumes a person who is typically always optimist and friendly. it swallows you whole and spins you so out of control that you snap easily at the ones you love the most. the incredible thirst makes you feel as if you just spent the last week in a desert with no water. the
headaches pound and your stomach does flips. it's one of the worst feelings. i hate going low. your body begins to tremble and shake as you break out in a cold sweat. everything is a blur, nothing makes sense. not being able to put a sentence together makes you feel as if you've lost your mind for good. the constant fear of not having sugar to treat a low haunts me everywhere i go. if there is no sugar i
will pass out. the overtreating that drives you insane because now you are high. the constant roller coaster of diabetes flat out sucks. i hate injecting insulin. it hurts. i hate the scar tissue i will have forever from it. i hate when it hurts so bad that all you can do about it is throw the syringe as hard as you can across the room. the doctors annoy me, never good enough for them, no matter how
hard i try. it's all about numbers to them, the stupid little numbers you get from having to continuously poke your fingers like pin cushions. the scars on my fingers yet another ugly reminder this disease carries. whenever my a1c is a little higher than normal i feel as if i have an evil creature inside of me eating me from inside out. let down after let down. tear after tear. you have to go after this
thing with a pitch fork sometimes. its tiring. sleeping is the only thing for me that can temporarly put my mind at ease until i wake up low in soaked blankets or high running for the bathroom or water. restless sleeping only making you more tired. the doctor ordering you to wake up at 2am every night to figure out how to stop night time lows or highs to improve morning numbers wears me out. there is always
a contant faint fear in the back of my head of the horrible things that could happen if i don't defeat this demon. that voice never goes away. i also hate the looks and comments i get from people when i tell them i'm a type one diabetic. "oh that's the worst kind" and "oh my grandma died from diabetes" and "my dog when i was little was diabetic to and he died" are on my list of favorites, oh wait and "you
shouldn't be eating that because it has sugar in it". not only do the numbers get frustrating, so do people and their comments.

why me? that tends to pop in my head often. was it a punishment or a blessing in disguise? i tend to lean towards a blessing. this cursed thing has taught me so much about life and death. it has taught me to enjoy the small things in life because we only have a short time with them. it's taugh me to see a glimmer of hope in everything, no matter how hard life gets. diabetes has taught me that if i can defeat
it, i can defeat anything if i put my head to it. it's taught me determination and strength. strength from deep down in that many may never find in a lifetime. it has put things into prespective for me. it has taught me what's important in life, not the objects we buy but the feelings we feel. the bonds and friendships in life. the kindness of your heart and spreading that to everyone you meet. it has
taught me incredible self control with eating and making distructive decisions in life, keeping me from becoming fat or getting into drugs. discipline runs strong through my veins along with courage. death does not haunt me because my faith tells me i'm going to a place where i can eat all the chocolate chip cookie dough i want and not have to inject insulin. i won't have to feel the pain any longer. until
then i fight this beast inside of me with my head held high. i curse and i cry but i will never let it defeat ME.

Views: 9

Comment by nel on November 30, 2009 at 9:03pm
Just to let you know : I love you !
N.
Comment by Gerri on November 30, 2009 at 11:22pm
Know you feel. It's a physical, emotional & spiritual roller coaster every day. Keeping your head high--kudos!

Yummm, chocolate chip cookie dough.

Sorry about the hurty injections. Mine don't hurt. Have you tried smaller, thinner needles?
Comment by Amanda on December 1, 2009 at 7:53am
gerri-yeah i think i have the smallest needles made haha. it's only my lantus that hurts and they say it's because my skin is sensitive and that lantus has a large amount of acid in it and it irritates my skin

i so can't wait until i can afford a pump...many issues will be resolved although i'll probably have a new list of issues with the pump haha

thanks nel!! :)
Comment by LaLa on December 1, 2009 at 3:07pm
Amanda - I agree with every single thing you said. I think of it as a devil that's determined to kill me and my job is not to let it. It's definitely a roller coaster. I once tried going a whole week with exactly the same schedule, same meals, same shots every day. Even then there were lots of variations. Frustrating to the point of rage sometimes. But, like you, I try to remember that I have to be the one to control it so it won't control (and kill) me.

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