Right now I feel like a failure. I feel like I have taken so many steps back. In April it will be 3 years since I have been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, but yet emotionally I feel like it's just beginning. I don't know if it's because of the stress from my job (if you don't know check out previous blog) or what. I find myself questioning why me? Am I being punished? Am I a bad person? It's like I'm searching for answers that's not there. I'm just just crying like I have cried a million times over the past  years. I didn't ask for this and who would? I know I know everyone says things happen for a reason. But what's the reason? I get tired of "normal" people staring at me or judging me. I get tired of them thinking it's no big deal with it's a HUGE deal. They don't understand that us diabetics make it look easy or like it's no big deal. We do that because we try to be as "normal" as possible. Stop asking me if I should eat that. Stop asking me am I "high" and then laugh. That's a joke that I only share with my fellow diabetics...lol. I just feel like I'm having a mental break that. Like I can't tell up from down or left from right. Like I just want to lay in my bed and hide from life all day and night. I'm getting tired of medical bills andd medical supplies and the cost and the prices and just EVERYTHING! But I can't complain because if I complain "normal" people think I have no right to complain. Even though i have insurance and have supplies yes I am aware that there are people out there worse off than me. Does that not give me the right to vent my frustrations and sometimes feel down? I know I'm lucky to be alive on many situations. Right now at this moment I just feel alone like I need to be saved. I just feel like life and everything around it sucks. It sucks because I was having pretty bad anxiety attacks and now I think I'm falling into a depression. It's like quick sand. When I think I'm happy and climbing out of my hole it's like someone grabs my hand as if they're going to help me and throw me right back down just for me to climb again. When will I stop climbing? AND just live life and be happy. Is there ever an end to the questions and the doubting and the depression? EVER?

Views: 8

Comment by Gerri on February 20, 2011 at 10:12pm
There's no answer to why me. Looking for an answer is futile & it doesn't change anything. I don't believe things happen for a reason. I don't believe there's any type of master plan, predestination, a punishment/reward system, or reasons behind events. People have pitied me for this worldview. Actually, it's quite liberating. I don't expect fairness or that people get or don't get what they believe they deserve.

I'm sorry for the lack of understanding & support. It hurts.

Wish there was someone to save us & make it all better. We can only save ourselves.
Comment by Jasmine on February 21, 2011 at 9:10am
There's not reason to apologize for your lack of understanding and support. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. For me I strongly do believe there is a reason for everything. Sometimes you don't know that reason until the plan starts to unfold. Sometimes you are choosen for something in life because you see how strong you are. Or to push you to that next level. Or to even touch other people who feel the same way and to let them know it's ok to feel the way you are feeling and it's better to let frustrations out than keep them in. Thanks anyway for your comment.
Comment by Gerri on February 21, 2011 at 9:27am
I was saying I was sorry for the lack of support & understanding from the people you know who ask if you're high & laugh. The people who don't get how terribly difficult diabetes is. I know how this hurts. Been there.
Comment by James Brogan V on February 21, 2011 at 8:45pm
Trust me i understand, In a family with over 70 cousins, 8 siblings and 21 neices and nephews I'm only one of 2 diabetics.Rest of my family doesnt get a thing about the disease, Im constantly bombarded with questions, being asked "you allowed to eat that?" even getting looks when im enjoying just one moment of chocolate milk (no sugar added type) like im trying to commit suicide via nesquik, Its rough. People at my job forget every other day constantly offering me cakes or candies, and the one person i did have in work that understood died right in front of me at work from a massive heart attack. I've been in complete fear since that day over a month ago because he is the 2nd person i know with type 1 diabetes for over 20 years to die before 60. Neither took care of it well so i can tell myself it wont be me, my last A1C was 6.4 so im doing what i need, but i have no one that look me in the eyes and truely understand my fear. I love this site because i can come on here and even though i dont speak much it helps to see others who do understand. I wish i had a few in my offline life. We all get worn down by life, thats life itself. Ups and downs. triumphs and losses, but nothing gets better unless you make it better. sitting here and letting these things bother you and control you will only start a routine, you have to break it. Just do something out of the ordinary, A day you ususally just go home after work, go checkout someplace ya havent been. Go take in a baseball game, stop by a friends to hang out for a while. I found breaking the cycle sometimes makes the biggest difference. Its never going to be simple. but it doesnt have to be hard.

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