<i></i>Well, since I wrote this...I am beginning to be afraid of the diabetes..I am NOT shutting my eyes or ears that much anymore...I keep hearing about "Complications"..and the funny thing(which is really NOT funny at all) is that I keep hearing diabetic commericals..right when I am dealing WITH my own issues..it's almost as if "something" or "somebody" is trying to open my ears up!!!
I also see things in the news that scare the daylights out of me..regarding dying from diabetes..and how sooooo many doctors..and people are implying STRONGLY mind you..about "The complications of diabetes!!" and what has happened to those who don't pay attention to their diabetes..and BAM!!! They are dead.
I think that I am getting frightened by these pieces of news...I do NOT want for this to be me...no!! I want to do MORE things in my life...and it does NOT include dying before my time.!!!!! SOOOOO,
I guess I am gonna have to give up the ice cream dream...(if I really, really want the stuff...just ONCE in a while...NOT like I was eating it, before...(I would bring it home..and binge on it...(in some of my various diabetic blogs..here and on other sites..I would write about not eating all that much of it..or being careful...well, okay..I wasn't as truthful...even to my own self,..I was eating a bit TOO much...I binged...(I have to admit that I became addicted to foods and ice cream...way before I ended up with this disease...) I used to go out with friends (nearly every night) and eat ice cream...and or junk foods...I definitely had a HUGE junk food issue...it was sooo bad that even the local high school students..when THEY saw me buying junk food..they kept asking me "Is that ALL for you?" They could NOT believe that an adult would eat that many candy bars..and more!!! (I would always tell them..yeah..but, I am not going to eat them ALL in one sitting...Well, there were times that I wouldn't eat them all in one sitting..but, I would save them..and then...when I had that strong, strong, craving..I binged. I have known for a lonnnng time that I have food issues...I used to binge (not throw up at all..just eat and eat)..while either sitting alone in my car..(usually) sometimes with a friend...we would hang out and eat..but, I still would hear that I was "eating too much" from friends who cared..and ex-boyfriends as well!! Been there, done that. I know that it's NOT normal to eat the way that I am eating..I get it..I ate when I was depressed..and because I was depressed. I knew that as well. I finally stopped the heavier binging that I had been doing...where I used to buy like two bags of cookies..plus, two big bags (or medium) bags of M&M's and maybe a couple of regular sized bottled soda's and drink and eat them..while I was babysitting(I was a nanny for many years) . I would find great excuses to take the kid that I was taking care of, to stores..and or to bakeries..and buy sweets and stuff...it was a bad way to live....
Yeah..I knew better...but, when you are bored..and you don't think that you can do anything else, other than childcare... and you are not that "Happy" in life...you eat or whatever else works as a "bandage!" I could hardly wait to go out and shop for food...
Yes..food is a bandage, and or comforting for me..(and here..I can insert that this is like this for soooo many others out there as well..but, well, I think that we ALL know this!!)I would also take candy to childcare jobs...I have gotten sooo sick from the foods that I chose to eat...over the years..it's NOT funny. I have gotten to know MORE bathrooms in all parts of California(where I am originally from) that , this in itself is bad enough!!! I was always sick to my stomach..and always killing my poor body with sugary items..that I KNEW darn well, was NOT helping me FEEL good!!
I thought it was a :"Blessing" in some ways to get the diabetes..because I was sooo stupid with the food addictions..they were ongoing..and never stopping..(There were times that I avoided eating some foods..one of them was :Ice Cream, if you can believe it..at various times in my life!) I had gotten to a point where I was either ill from eating it..I would cough and cough after eating it...(I also think that it had to do with the air outside after eating a hot fudge sundae..but, I don't know..I still cough, after eating ice cream...I think that it may be my alleriges...now.)
Anyways...I stopped eating ice cream...also partially because I grew sick of eating it ALL of the time..MY friends were shocked..and tried at times to get me to eat it..but, I just felt sooo darn FULL that I wanted only a cup of coffee or a sandwhich with "meat!: Or a glass of water...but, nothing sweet and cold!! It was strange..but, I honestly felt this way...and perhaps that's good..ya know? But,,,well, I just had to take a "breather" for a bit..I would also gain and lose, and gain and lose..and to this day..I STILL need to lose weight!!!
But, when I get that "reality" check of what WILL or COULD happen...ALL because I am NOT looking AHEAD due to my ignorance..and or totally IGNORING the facts...(because I sense this feeling of my stupidity from not only my hubby..but, I get that feeling from others around me as well..(and not just from people on the diabetes message boards..but, my doctors..and so on...) I begin to realize that I am really NOT SEEING the WHOLE DARN PICTURE of my possible demise!! Or that I am more than likely "shortening" my "stay:" here on earth!!!
It's something that I did NOT care to look at..I didn't think that the sickness could "get me", or in general..I usually think that "no illness" is gonna get me...but, I had been thinking about this lately..and well, I have been TOTALLY and COMPLETELY WRONG!!! The last twenty years..I have gotten sick with various things..and ended up in the hospital;..and or even before I went to the hospital..had a totally wake up call!! I was NOT "expecting" these things to happen..and what's more..I simply had NO CONTROL over what happened to me! None!! What-so-ever!!!
I have been honestly re-hashing this..over in my mind..because THIS is what I NEED TO REMEMBER...so ,that I THINK before I DO!!!!
I hate when I do NOT have the control over my body..and I don't!!(trust me..when you cannot stop yourself from throwing up from a kidney stone..or being sick from a gall stone..or, being in pain from both of those things..you have NO CONTROL!!!
I also had NO CONTROL when I got sick from the diabetes..I could NOT stop from being deeply thirsty and hungry..and that scared the living daylights out of me!!!
I was frightened with the kidney stone..(the pain was EXCRUCIATING(sorry..I can't spell that right now! LOL!!), and the
pain or the fear that came over me in having to deal with the extreme thirst/hunger that I had for sugar/water..anything that would calm my system down...(before I went to the E.R. to deal with my diabetes) was terribly scary!! I was sooo hungry but terribly dehydrated that when they admitted me..I was NOT allowed to have ANY foods to eat or liquids to drink for days...I was soooo thirsty, but, they had me hooked up to a Saline tube...I went thru almost seven saline tubes, and only after that..could I have food and drink!! I felt like I was dying!!!
I am writing this to REMIND even ME..of all of this..because I need to remind myself that THIS is what I gotta do...to stay alive..and NOT to eat the crap that I want...so badly!!
If you read this..that's cool...but, I am writing this to totally help myself LOOK and face the music...
I just did NOT want to see the truth...but, as my hubby says..."that diabetes is an illness that will get you LATER...
so, go ahead and eat all of the bad foods..but, remember...it might matter that you are going to be losing your toes or fingers..etc...!!"
Okay...Okay...I guess that I am backing away..slowly...but, surely...but, I am going to find healthier desserts..to eat..and the ones that can totally satisfy my hunger and make me happy and live a bit longer...in the long run.
*shakes head..*..I guess that I am looking at this and thinking more and more about the possiblities of NOT being here..to enjoy things and people in my life...and that Ain't cool!! Nope! That is sooo NOT kosher..it's not even funny!!!!
SO...When I "think" of more ..I will write some more...Just had to share my latest novel of thoughts...I am getting down and real with ya!!
Well, until next time...I will say PEACE OUT!!
Hope you all are doing A-okay!!!