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I'm going to share something that I don't normally talk about because it makes me sound crazy. If I don't get up every night at 3 am to check my girls' blood sugar, I have overwhelming anxiety that I will wake up to find them dead. So much anxiety that now I wake up at 2:30 am every night without an alarm clock. I doesn't matter how exhausted I am, I will still wake up. The only times I don't are when I am very ill and when I wear one of those stupid hologram bracelets. The hologram bracelet makes me sleep like I'm dead and that freaks me out even more.

Part of this is a general mother's anxiety. Since they were born, I would check that they were breathing when they were sleeping. I was terrified of SIDS, especially since both of my girls were tummy sleepers as soon as they figured out how to roll over. I confess, I still check them before I go to bed.

The insomnia started when we switched from MDI to the Omnipod. With MDI, they both got Lantus once a day and I never questioned whether or not they would get high or low in the middle of the night. It never even occurred to me to check. I had a LOT of evidence that my youngest daughter had severe lows because she would have night terrors, really scary ones where she couldn't tolerate light and made this very scary growling sound in her throat that I can hear even as I write this. At the time, I just thought we miscalculated the dinner bolus. Never once did I think that the Lantus dose might be too high. Now, when I'm really flogging myself, I wonder how many times they had hypos that I didn't know about.

Switching to the Omnipod was the first time that we started testing every three hours. I like data, it's what I do. This was a blessing and a curse for me. I had more data than I'd had before, but it didn't fit the picture that I had in my head of the peaks and valleys that I imagined happened for them in a normal day. The peaks were higher and the lows were lower, which averaged to a nice A1C, but were troubling. I know, I know, pumping is different from MDI. I get that and I get the adjustment period. But for the odd low and high now, we have it figured out.

I have to travel for work, and my husband doesn't share my anxiety. He tests them at 11pm before he goes to bed. Once he's asleep, it's over. We joke that he would sleep through the house burning down (even though it isn't really funny because it is true). He routinely sleeps through his morning alarm. So, I wake up and stew, not knowing. Which I did this morning and will do tomorrow morning because I'm here and they are there.

CGMs seem like a great solution, but the girls don't want one more thing attached to them yet. I can't justify forcing them into something like that since it would be more for me than them at this point. I recently read about the new implantable CGM built at UCSD and I get really excited. It lasts for an entire year! Maybe, when they are ready...

Views: 13

Comment by D. Bahr on October 21, 2010 at 7:42pm
I posted this prior to reading about the thirteen year old girl who passed yesterday. I don't feel so crazy now.
Comment by PatientX on October 21, 2010 at 8:41pm
I am hoping this tcgm hits the market soon. I look at this page everyday to see if they made progress. It seems that it will be a great thing when it does. It is is a non invasive constant blood glucose monitor that does not require insertion.
Comment by Lisa on October 21, 2010 at 9:18pm
Your not crazy. I can't imagin what my poor parents went through when I was young, 33 years ago. I do feel bad that you can't relax a bit and trust the equipment but then mistakes and problems still happen. Without my trust in the Lord, I'm not sure how I would function. Thats not to say it "won't happen to me b/c I trust the Lord" but I know it's in His hands no matter the results.
Comment by mistic88 on October 21, 2010 at 9:29pm
Ya you are not crazy at all (thank the lord) my lil girl is ok and i am always checking on her...being afraid.......
Comment by Gerri on October 21, 2010 at 11:45pm
I don't think you're crazy at all. If I had children with diabetes, I'd do the same.

My husband wakes up to check me. He has nightmares that I'm in trouble & he won't be able to help. I feel badly that he's this anxious, but nothing I say helps.
Comment by Robyn on October 22, 2010 at 7:50pm
You are a wonderful Mom.


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