I have had Type 1 Diabetes for 20 years now. I went through a horrible time with misinformed medical professionals for a number of years until I ended up in the hospital with DKA, and insisted on a different specialist (Endo). He did a C-Peptide test and determined I was Type 1 and started me on an insulin regimen.
I had already found that if I ate lots and lots and didn't dose for the food, I lost weight. I battled with this (Diabulemia) for years. I love food. That's mostly why I cried for a week when they first told me I was diabetic. And, I think most of the trouble I have had with the whole thing has been an inability to face it. I am diabetic. My pancreas quit working.
In 2000, I worked with a retired engineer who taught me how to be my own pancreas, and by mathematical equations he showed me how to account for every carb and dose properly for it. We figured out how long it took glucose to peak in my body, and how long it took insulin to do its job in my body (the action curve). After 3 months of this grueling lifestyle, my A1c was 5.0 and I started to exhale. People around me were very concerned because I was so focused on being perfect and doing everything exactly, it was taking up all of my time and I was anxious and uptight about what I ate, etc. And, I was taking nine shots a day. And, the disease was a full-time job.
So, my husband bought me a pump.
Wow, did it give me my life back or what??? I could relax, and the pump figured out all the doses, corrections, etc. But, it was only a matter of time until I started slipping and not taking proper care of myself and my BG numbers. I ended up in the hospital again, two years ago for DKA, in Canada (first time was in USA), and ended up with a wonderful Endo I see regularly.
This has been an emotionally, and sometimes physically, painful 20 years. I don't want to have the "all-or-nothing" mentality: either I am perfect, or I am doing really, really bad. There seems to be no inbetween.
Denial is at the root. It's been easier to just forget I am diabetic, set the basal dose in the pump, and go along my way not testing or dosing for food, and eating whatever I want, how much I want. There is also a lot of shame involved in this. I am stepping out on a limb here, because I wonder if there are folks out there that have struggled as much as I have with facing and managing this disease for the long-run. It's a private pain, and a hidden issue. And, it's lonely. And I know it's wrong. If people know, they freak out and yell at me. That's the last thing I need.
Moving on, I am facing this again and I want to get past obstacles and keep moving towards being healthy and feeling good. That's why I'm here.