Diaguy (Legend In His Own Mind)
Have you met Diaguy? If you have you will never forget him. He is employed at the local hospital mostly as a janitor, though he does get to sweep the lab occasionally. But Diaguy will never willingly tell you about what he does. He is a sleek guy, he carries his pump low and he will tell all who listen that he can draw it low and slow for that quick, unsuspecting bolus. He often hangs at the bar impressing the ladies with his knowledge of medical facts. For instance you say headache he says Cephalgia, you say Turf Toe he says Metatarsophalangeal Joint Sprain, in fact he studies the medical terms by having them play in his ear phones each night as he sleeps.
Diaguy has tried every known diabetic medical device for the treatment of diabetes. He has an opinion about each. He hates his pump, likes his brand new not yet on the market utralong needle shortner clip with an automatic sharpener, pearl handle point collector and the vinyl Florissant green fanny pack. He will note to all who will hear that it is the most comfortable, easiest to wear device he has had in the last 16 days. It is a wicked combination of utility and pure Parisian supple vinyl. He naturally has the best version given that his was the one and only test model ever made. You see he is tapped into the manufacturing pipeline at the highest level. Meaning of course he empties the trash at the lead researcher’s office.
Diaguy does not offer or wait to be asked, he dispenses advice to everyone. He can diagnose a diabetic by the way he holds his proximal 5th Phalanx (right hand little finger). Yes unlike his colleague at the medical center he does not need A1C’s, he can determine it by looking at a person’s hand. Many doctors call it the clinical indicators of A1C levels. He just calls it, a gift.
Diaguy is engaged to be engaged. He has found the perfect woman, car, house, baseball bat, pump, test strip and meter. He might even ask her out someday if his mother approves and time allows. He plays the ponies with great success and he eats no more than 67 carbohydrates per year. In his off hours (the hospital is cutting back some and they do not treat new researchers very well the first 20 years of their career) he spends time delivering papers at major medical conferences. I mean literally, he runs the newspaper stand outside the conference hall. He has in fact delivered 22 editions of papers over the last 3 months. He is well known and respected in the medical field. He is so well known that he is listed in the conference guide as the guy on the coroner who can point conference participants in the right direction if walking to their hotels.
He is also well known for his financial prowess. He knew early to dump several poor performing investments based on his early reviews. For instance he knew that the self-adjusting vibrating, heart synced insulin delivery was a bust. He advised his colleagues to liquidate their portfolios of the malfunctioning device a full 79 days after the FDA ordered it off the market.
He would not a change a thing about his career, except well maybe the, long hours he spends at work. Over time he has found that things like women, children, commitment, and his incredible museum quality collection of diacrap are distracting. Therefore he is single, seems unavailable emotionally, and lacks sufficient closet space in his mother’s downstairs apartment to maintain his high standard of living.
His career is taxing his services in high demand and he is often called in at all hours to prevent inappropriate medical accidents. Like those awful slip and fall injuries in the cafeteria as a result of spilled water. In recent years his wax system that is near a patent in no place had to be withdrawn for hospital use. Though it cleaned twice as well best stuff on the market, the big wheels at the hospital were afraid to allow its use. He did offer his patent if the hospital would only sign a non-license infringement clause. Something the hospital has not chosen to do.
If you meet Diaguy I suggest you are firm in your diabetic regime. He will want to cross you up with new instructions and specific recommendations for diabetic equipment, most of which he does not use. After all he is on to version 2.5. You can only buy version 1.1213 you know.