Dlog 3: Why Me God? or "I'm a Freak" - a theatrical scene

Are You There God? - a scene

Me
Are you there God? It's me, Maureen (pronounced correctly.) I am on this site using my real name.
God
Fabulous.
Me
I guess it doesn't matter since everyone knows who I am anyway.
God
Why are you so concerned about the opinions of others?
Me
I mean the G-Man, the UsOf A - the folks who hold my medication and income strings.
God
You can't b******* a b*******ter.
Me
B*******ter? I knew all that jazz about Satan was b*******. (Pause. Wait.)
God
I take the fifth.
Me
Very funny, Gee Dash Dash. Very mysterious.
God
I AM mystery.
Me
You could be Satan.
God
I could. “What does your heart tell you?”
Me
That God quotes from “Lord of the Rings”.
God
I’ve also travelled in hover-cars.
Me
Oy gevalt. Fine. It’s not just the opinions of my family, my friends, and the people who call me an artist. There’s my online presence. My fans. These people here and there. Someone could steal my identity.
God
And that's why I made shrinks. Good Gracious Me, you have a touch of paranoid narcissism, Mo.
Me
I don’t think that’s in the DSM IV.
God
Did you go out and proclaim the glory of God?
Me
Yes. No. I am. I will. I am trying.
God
Trying what?
Me
Break me in people slowly. Please? Don’t want anyone calling me a Jesus Freak.
God
I had no idea you were a Jesus Freak.
Me
Yo! I thought you were listening the other day. “No one can talk to God but through me” or something.
God
And I was.
Me
What?
God
Listening.
Me
Oh.
God
Then you called yourself Schtizo For Jesus and mocked yourself. Perhaps you should worry about your own opinion of yourself.
Me
Is Jesus really your son?
God
You ask too many questions. If you want to do the Christian thing, go for it.
Me
What if I want to pray to Krishna?
God
Pray to Dionysus for all I care. I am God. I don’t discriminate.
Me
It felt really weird, like my cousin had put a spell on me. I thought I was really talking to Jesus.
God
Uh.. You were.
Me
Maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I was trying on the schtizo hat.
God
Maybe you are schitzo. I mean, you’re sitting here talking to me.
Me
No. I’m not. I am typing out an imaginary scene. I am a writer. This is fiction.
God
Doesn’t say anything about your state of mind? Ha! Hey! Will people read this?
Me
Maybe. If I post it. Most people don’t read scripts anyway.
God
Will you perform it?
Me
I might record your half of the conversation.
God
(Booming voice – like Old Testament Jeshua) I’m not good enough to have an actor play me? (Actor walks out as Jesus-type – robe and rags; common/current ideation, eg. “long-haired hippie type”.) People play me all the time onstage. Some are pretty great actors.
Me
OK. YOU are not the Jesus I spoke to in the shower.
Jesus
You spoke to me in the shower?
Me
See. There. You’re a perv. You can’t be Jesus.
Me
I can be many things to many people.
Me
Oh God.
Jesus
What?
Me
Nevermind. This was a stupid idea.
Jesus
Am I interrupting your little play here?
Me
I’m sorry. “Little play”? I worked my touchus off to make this “little play” happen.
Jesus
You got a touchy touchus there.
Me
Hey! It’s my show.
Jesus
And you wrote me in.
Me
A small role. Gottit? You only get a walk-on role. Personally, I like walk-ons. I hope you don’t mind. You can sit in the audience now.
Jesus
What about the actor who’s going to double for the rest of the roles?
Me
He’s human, Lord Jesus. Obviously, he is pretty good, sine he’s not breaking character. So…If you don’t mind putting your lovely ghostly aura in the audience… the show must go on.
Jesus
Only if you promise to stop using the word, “Jesus Freak.” .. in a negative way, of course.
Me
I’m a freak.
Jesus
Exactly. (He begins to leave.)
Me
Hey, Jesus! Um… thanks for being my imaginary friend.
Jesus
I always have….
Me
Gotcha!
Jesus
Yes, my doubting Maureen? (long sigh)
Me
Why did you allow me to get so many illnesses?
Jesus
(He stands there and looks at her straight in the eye.) So many illnesses, you say? In a rich country I might add. A kind family. Shall I continue? (Pause.) You’re welcome. (Walks offstage.)
Me
(To audience)
That was my imaginary friend. He is God. He is very nice. I proclaim him as my savior…. Rght…. Now! I’m getting the shakes again. Hold on. Checking for lightning bolts. Yes, I wrote a “god” play. The idea obsesses me. Um, Jesus: I’m sorry I denied you. I hope You will remain my friend.
God (VO)
Of course He will. Always.
Me
Cool. Thanks God. I know Your show is the greatest show on…. Everywhere. Even London. Haha. Right. I can’t hear you laugh. Hold on…. I’ll imagine you are. (Pause. Listens.) Good enough. OK, folks. Let the show begin. (meekly) “Thank you, Jesus.”

[and scene]

Views: 21

Tags: fiction, god, scene, theater, writing

Comment by Maureen Nolan on June 1, 2009 at 9:36am
Do I dream of being Brian Friel? kvelling over here.

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