My BG's are a lot better- yesterday I was down to 100- but I am gaining weight rapidly and it terrifies me. I'm already up to 116. that's 8 pounds up from a couple of weeks ago. I know a lot of it is water weight, but I'm scared. After I weighed myself this morning, I couldn't stop crying. The number staring back at me was...almost unbearable for me to see. That sounds like a rather self-indulgent thing to say, I admit, and I would never think that 116 is a high number for anyone else...but for ME, it's extremely difficult to accept. And it's not just the weight, it's the fact that the pounds are piling up so quickly. Did I ruin my metabolism with the diabulimia?

At any rate, I am still bolusing, bolusing, bolusing away. I have to literally FORCE myself to at times. I wish I had some kind of a positive self-talk to help me through those times, as well as when I weigh myself and am thrown into despair. Right now the patterrn I go through in my head is more like, "You are disgusting. You are fat. You're fat fat fat fat FAT! But you have to take insulin. You're a bad diabetic. Why can't you be perfect? You think one blood sugar of 100 a day when the rest are over 200 is good? You think that's an improvement? You've managed to capture the worst of both worlds, Amy, you have managed to have high blood sugar but not high enough to lose weight. Look at all the other diabetics who have perfect blood sugars. They're upset about 280 and that's normal for you! And they're thin, and they eat very little carbs. You're disgusting. You're fat. You're a bad diabetic. You're a bad person. You're sickening. I"M SICKENING."

Views: 18

Comment by Theresa on March 30, 2011 at 9:39am
I just had to comment back to you. You sound so defeated. Know that there are a lot of people living with diabetes and managing it; however, they all struggle with it. You are not alone. I actually had to look up diabulimia to see what it was. I can't say that I understand what you are going through; however, I just wanted you to know that someone was here for you. Please keep taking your insulin. You will be able to get your bs back under control. You are NOT fat! I know it is easier to say but please try to add the word NOT into your "You are fat." sentence. How tall are you for your 116 pounds? Let's look up some real statistics to see if you are really fat. Sometimes facts and figures in black and white are a help. I do not have diabetes; however, my son is a Type I. I do have to deal with OCD and I know the constant struggle I have dealing with that. You are so worth the fight! God created you and will give you the strength needed to take care of yourself. Keep working hard - You can do it!
Comment by Ira on March 30, 2011 at 10:36am
Dont let the disease beat you. Its a test from God to see if you can handle it and YOU CAN. He would never put so much on you, that you couldnt manage. Start thinking positive and positive things will happen in your life. I've been a dibetic for 23 years and have dealt with weight issues of my own. You would believe how gratifying and motivating it is when you reach those goals that you set for your health. fight the fight, one day you will look back and say If I could be young again .........I know I do...God Bless You
Comment by Marps on April 5, 2011 at 8:44am
It takes time to bring your body back to a healthy state. That is in the diabetes world and in the weight world. Take care of yourself. Praise yourself. I've been in your struggle and know right now it seems it would be easier to just quit and go back to being "beautiful and thin", but the reality of it is you CAN'T. You were slowly murdering yourself before.

You will lose the water weight that you're gaining. And now what you're gaining can be toned and used for energy. Imagine long runner's legs. Strong, muscular, runner's legs. Think of all the things you will have the strength to do now that you're gaining your body back. Swimming, biking, cart wheels. If you continued on your diabulimia strike, those legs that you love? They would be amputated.

Keep up the great work on getting your life back- and keeping it. I'm proud of you.
Comment by Briar-Rose on April 10, 2011 at 6:12pm
Thanks so much, Marps. That is exactly what I needed to hear :) And I am getting back to the strength to run, I am up to 2 miles now, so I am just going to try to ignore the scales! They only trigger me.

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