Well hello there. Surprised to see me? I doubt you've missed me. You thought I had gone away didn't you? Are you that stupid?

Look at how powerful you are. Feel those tears? I made you do that. Look at your hands shaking - that is my handy work as well. I'm the reason you can't sleep at night. You can't even stop me with all those pills you take to try to control me. You are so feeble it sickens me.

Maybe if you pray to that God of yours more I'll go away. Its a joke you still believe. Can he do what I do? Nope. What do you think He is going to do? Since I'm still here, I must be stronger, or he must want me here. Either way, it looks like we will be together for a long time.

Cry out louder, maybe that will work. Try begging more, I love it when you do that. You sound all sensitive and earnest. Its great when a big guy like you falls to his knees because of me. Keep trying to hide from me under the covers in your bed. You're pathetic and weak.

Take a drink, or two, that always helps. I'll be here when you are finished. See that needle over there? You know the one. Yes, that's it right there. 100 units is all it will take. All it takes is a minute and all of this can be over. Why put yourself through this. Its not like you can win anyway.

I love you, you know. You are my little puppet. I pull the strings in your life and make you do whatever I want whenever I want. You are mine. You are so silly to think otherwise.

You need me. I'm the center of your universe. We've been together for so long you can't exist without me. Without me, you are nothing. Face it, you like being "special" and having "issues". Personally, I love all of the names you've come up for me.

You crave the attention and lie about how much you want me gone. We both know better, don't we? You are just my little play thing and you love it. If you didn't, you would have done some thing about it by now.

Keep trying that foolish stuff that you think will make me go away. Maybe if you hop up and down on one foot while facing north as you shake a dead squirrel I'll vanish. Try the walking and chewing bubble gum trick, that looked like it might work. Whatever you do, just do not face me.

Views: 86

Comment by acidrock23 on October 26, 2012 at 4:03pm

It sort of sounds like some professional assistance might be in order? There's a lot of passion and intensity but it sounds like you are very sad too.

Comment by John M on October 26, 2012 at 4:46pm

Not sad, angry. I am so tired of getting my butt kicked by the same thing over and over. Its like a little 12 year old punk who runs up and kicks me in the shin then runs away - who will not face me head on. Hit and run, hit and run, over and over. I'm sick of it...

Comment by Stemwinder (Gary) on October 26, 2012 at 6:56pm

Angry to me is as bad as sad. I have never met a happy angry person, so I equate them as being almost the same thing. Being angry is ok we all get angry but sooner or later we must let it go.

Comment by Diabetes Hlth and Wellness Acdmy on October 26, 2012 at 7:58pm
Hi JohnM,
I hope you will soon have a ray of sunshine in your days very
Soon. I will be praying for you. Reach out to any and all educational
Resources that are available to you. This disease can become very depressing for anyone who's living with it.
even if they don't have it. I'm the mother of a type 1 juvenile diabetic, so I know how you feel.
I've been taking care of a small child carrying it for the past 13 years. Its driving me mad.
I'm extremely angry with it, and there's no way that I can get a hold of it,
just once to tell it how it destroys lives. Hang in there. Education, awareness
prevention, control and longevity. Stay strong, you're not alone!
Comment by Doris D on October 26, 2012 at 9:40pm

John hold strong U know that I'm praying for u and wishing u the best. KOLD STRONG U CAN DO THIS TOO!!

Comment by karebear1966 on October 28, 2012 at 9:07am

Do you have any pets John??? I just got my new dog and am training her to be a diabetic alert dog. I gotta say the anger and hopelessness you feel is quite common among us. But The dog, even just as a dog helps me feel better about things and gives me something to look forward to every day, also makes sure I get out and about for walks even if I dont feel like it. Dogs are great therapy! and they never judge!!!

Comment by John M on October 29, 2012 at 2:31am

Yes, karebear, I am looking into a service dog for help cope with PTSD. Dealing with Diabetes is easy, dealing with memories is not.

Progress is being made: PTSD is not the large black sharp metal claws with blood dripping off of them from a huge black raven that has a hold of me and will never let go. Now, its this Mad Magazine looking punk with a white and red striped shirt, blue pants, white knee high socks, wearing black strapped shoes - he mocks me, talks trash to me, and taunts me. I'm visual, that is how what it looks like in my head - its also how I write.

Am I mad about it? Heck yeah. Am I going to let go of being mad? Heck no. For years I've played nice with PTSD. Never said anything to anyone - especially family and friends. I did what I was told to do, in spite of any signs of progress - it was in fact getting worse. I thought happy thoughts, said the right things to the right people - in short becoming a professional liar to everyone, including myself.

How was I rewarded by playing by the rules? Sleepless nights terrified to sleep because of dreams and flashbacks. I almost lost my wife and kids because I could not talk to them about it - driving away anyone who truly cared for me. Loss of sexual desire and other things because of medications. Loss of my self worth and self confidence because of failure after failure. Being driven by fear, further and further away from where I needed to be and who I needed to be.

I had started to believe the trash I was selling myself, even going as far starting to take advantage of the whole situation for personal gain. Diabetes was some thing to hide behind, the perfect card to play when pressed about anything I didn't want to talk about - mainly PTSD.

It took a very bad episode which lasted over two hours to wake me up and start me moving in the right direction. The new changes I've made have had a very positive impact. The number of anxiety attacks and flashbacks are down, and they re both down in intensity as well. For the first time, it finally looks like the big ugly monster can be beaten. I just might be able to have a real life again.

I know its not over. I know I'll have bad days. I also know this is the closest to being me I've been in a long time. Being off of all my medications for Diabetes is good, being totally med free is the goal now. Time will tell if I get there.

I'm not sure what would happen if I would meet some folks I count as dear friends here face to face. I don't know if I would break out in a cold wet and stammer, stutter, and shake if I tried to talk to them about my memories. I do know I could meet them - which is huge for me.

I did promise to some people an explanation about what it going on. For the emails, well wishes, prayers, and encouragement, I am thankful. I also would like to thank the people who are concerned - its nice to know some one cares enough to say some thing not easy to say.


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