Have you ever wanted something so bad, you'd do anything for it? What I want is something that I can't buy in a store. It's not something I'm craving, like a hamburger or an ice cream. It's a kidney - a key body organ.
My problem is that I can't find the words to ask anyone for a kidney. I haven't asked anyone because I'm fearful of rejection. Instead, I've sort of expected that someone would come forward and just offer one, but that hasn't been the case. It's been two years since I found out I needed a transplant, and so far, only my husband and I have really talked about it. Every day, I wake up, drink my coffee, go to work, and come home, wondering if there's a message on the answering service from one of my sisters.
I don't mean to, but I hold it personally, constantly thinking I screwed up and p***ed everyone off over the years. There is so much mental anguish involved with getting a transplant, that at times I second guess myself and don't see my life as having much value.
Part of my problem is that I don't want to inconvenience potential donors. I have healthy siblings, all of whom have kids and full-time jobs, but I don't want them to feel like they have to donate a kidney. It's time-consuming, invasive and a financial burden to anybody who chooses to endure it. I can't ask my husband to donate one either because we need to have some sort of income while I'm recuperating from the surgery.
It was about twenty years ago since I found out I was Type 1 Diabetic and that I suffer from thyroid disease, and two since I found out I need a kidney transplant.
"Your creatinine levels are too low," a specialist told me. "Once it reaches about 10, you're going to have to go on dialysis and you should be able to get a kidney in about three years."
That three years has run out and I'm still on the transplant list anxiously awaiting. The waiting game is destroying me.