I Am a Bad Diabetic
She feels as if a weight is sitting heavily in her chest, a great lump of dread. The tears begin there, you see, in her heart. They build and begin to flow down her face. Gasping sobs of fear and despair, no dainty tears for her. Her long blonde hair hangs limply in front of her green eyes as she hugs her knees to her chest, trying to draw every piece of her in. Wanting to disappear. The weight in her chest makes it difficult to move, but the pain consuming her makes it necessary. She summons the energy and stands up. Rummages through her purse, stopping to rest once or twice. Finally, she finds what she is looking for and sinks back onto her bed, already exhausted. She runs her finger along the cool metal of the blade wrested from her pink plastic razor. Her mind is now curiously empty. The sight and the feel of the blade allow her to sigh, an ephemeral release. She's so tired. Does she really need to cut herself? Won't she be okay without it? If only the razor could just go away...magically transform into a warm, loving hug. But no. She mustn't try to escape or back down. She's already come this far. Tears again fill her eyes as she idly, lightly, draws the blade across her hipbone. Two, three, seven lines of red. It stings a little, once she stops. Eleven, fourteen, twenty shallow cuts. She supposes it's enough. The thin crimson lines are quite beautiful; her hip looks a bit tortured. Good- now her outsides match her insides. She lies back , rests her eyes a little. But she must put the blade away, flush the bloody tissues, put a Band-Aid on the woefully shallow cuts. She does it all, lazily, her sadness and damaged body making her bone tired. She checks her blood sugar. 450. She does not bolus. She lays in bed, feeling as if she's being sucked into a vortex. She is unable to keep her eyes open any longer: she drifts off to sleep, hand cupping her wounded hipbone.
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Comment by Domo! on June 14, 2010 at 12:43am -
Know what you mean, feel better.
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Comment by Brunetta on June 14, 2010 at 1:26am -
Are you a regular "cutter'. ( self-mutilator) during times of stress+ I have not checked out your profile or any of your other blogs.... Please get some help TODAY!!! Go to a mental health crisis center....You must correct your high blood glucose AND ,get treated , gifted writer and deserving of the BEST that life has...Please get help TODAY!!!
God Bless,
Brunetta
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Comment by Christalyn on June 14, 2010 at 1:53am -
You are not a bad diabetic! You are a person that needs help coping with the depression and with the disease itself. It wasn't too long ago I felt like jumping of a cliff because I couldn't understand why my body was declaring mutiny on me.
Please if you need to talk I am available. Please try to find a counselor or a Diabetic Educator or clinic to help you with both of these conditions. Cutting is not going to make your situation better. Cutting yourself on the hipbones has got to be painful too. Please get some help
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Comment by lotsofshots on June 14, 2010 at 5:08am -
A blood sugar of 450 is painful. That in itself, if ignored, can cause chemical imbalances in the brain that make you anxious, depressed, stress your whole system. You become dehydrated and exhausted. Cutting is a way to try to escape that terrible pain. Please try to get your blood sugar down. Not perfect, just down and stable for a few days. Get the help you need to do that, to feel better. Cutting is coping with stress and has deep seated and complex causes. You can get help for that too. You are not a bad diabetic you are a beautiful young woman going through a lot of pain right now. Please get some support, there are people well trained to help you. My thoughts are with you.
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Comment by Bradford on June 14, 2010 at 6:18am -
Briar-rose you're not a bad diabetic! You are not alone either. But like others have mentioned, the first step in moving past hard times like these is to get some help. Start by getting a positive and supportive diabetes care group--an endo, a CDE, a nurse practitioner, etc. Then look at getting some counselling therapy as well. Know that you are not alone as you bear your cross (of diabetes). We are here to help you and support you as well!
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Comment by Scott on June 14, 2010 at 7:19am -
Well, you certainly are not a bad diabetic, but you are certainly a gifted writer! But please, please find someone to talk to. I've been doing this crap for 40 years, and there are times when I have been incredibly depressed and stressed out over the whole thing. You are not alone in this
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Comment by MelissaBL on June 14, 2010 at 7:39am -
We deal with enough on our own as diabetics - private nurses to the incessant monitoring. Don't try to deal with the depression and cutting alone, too. *hugs* Find someone that can help you focus all this emotion. Cutting is pain you have control over - that's why you feel better, but it's not something that is good for you or will fix the underlying problem - the pain you don't feel you have control over. In the end, it's just more pain. And you don't deserve more pain. I agree that if you can bring your blood sugar down, the world will start to make more sense.
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Comment by Teena on June 14, 2010 at 8:35am -
My dear Briar-Rose. You are not alone... You seem to be a beautiful and intelligent young lady....also talented if I may say. You write wonderfully! I know...I understand how diabetes can sometimes get the best out of us. But you know? There are far more people here that would love to share their successes conquering our condition. Many lives healthy, happy, excellent lives. And you can too. Youre not alone...we are here. If you need somebody to talk with...I am here.
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Comment by KimKat on June 14, 2010 at 9:16am -
*hugs* *hugs* *hugs*
I understand how you feel. I am not a cutter but I majored in Psych so I understand why people do it. It is only a temporary relief for your pain and won't solve the deeper issues here. But I am sure you know this. Plus you do not want to look back in 20 years and see those scars. Yes, the pain might always be there in one way or another but you can find other ways to cope. I know it does seem like it now but you can. You have lots of other options. It is a long process to stop this sort of thing but taking the first step will make you feel better. Don't be so hard on yourself too. I am sure you are doing your best and you are strong person to have to deal with this disease at such a young age. Hey, I am 40 and just was diagnosed and I can hardly even deal with it! :) And how nicely you write! Keep at it! I understand. I have to put my thoughts down in a blog too sometimes but they are too weird to tell them to anyone. This is a good thing. It can be therapetic for you. It is a good alternative to getting out the pain as opposed to cutting.
Treatment for you: Get the blood sugar down and find someone to talk to about your cutting. And lots and lots of hugs from the people here at TuD as a replacement. I am sure they will be lined up around the block for you and you will have more hugs than you will know what to do with!
Hang in there! You will make it through. (more hugs!)
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Comment by Lou on June 14, 2010 at 12:24pm -
((((heartfelt understanding hugs)))) x x x
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