For as long as I can remember, I've been preoccupied with my weight and body. I've always been obsessed with looking perfect. In middle school I remember trying to squeeze myself into pants that were a size too small and putting on a bulky sweatshirt so no one could tell they didn't fit. In high school it was all about trying to be the pretty, popular girl by spending hours in front of the mirror attempting to make myself beautiful. I always cared more about what I looked like over anything else. My goal in life was to be a model. I've always criticized my body very harshly. I forced myself to only eat an apple a day. Some days I would allow myself 5 crackers. I remember being obsessed with how flat my stomach was getting. I loved that we had basketball practice everyday, I would burn more calories. I was freezing all the time and hungry. Of course my brain wouldn't let me constrict for too long. I would decide I didnt care what people thought of me and I would eat my heart out. In college I gained the typical freshman 15 (more like 20 or 30). I went through the worst time in my life including full blown depression. What fueled it was the fact that I gained so much weight and I desperately tried to find someone to love me, but no luck. When I started coming out of the depression, my mom noticed I had been losing weight. I hadn't been trying to and, of course, later found out it was because I had Type 1 Diabetes. So fueled my weight obsession once again. I very quickly realized that I had been losing weight because my blood sugar was high. Since diagnoses I have been on a cycle of eating healthy, constricting food intake, deciding to not care and eating whatever I want, then feeling bad and restricting insulin.
the last few weeks I started eating healthy and lost a couple pounds from that. That made me want to lose more, so I started cutting way back on my calories, but was still eating healthy food. I was losing even more weight. Six pounds in just a few weeks. I loved the attention I was getting. But now I'm hungry. I'm cutting my calories during the day, but so hungry at night, so I start eating, but feel guilty, so I restrict insulin.
for whatever reason this time is different. I'm seriously terrified to gain weight. I don't want to gain the weight back that I just lost. I'm terrified that it's going to be like this forever. Why do I care so much what other people think of me? Why do I feel like I have to be so thin? I don't know the answers. I've never had so much anxiety over eating and being afraid that I might put on a pound. I'm terrified that this obsession is gojng to kill me, especially because of manipulating blood sugar, but I can't stop.
this morning I had a package of raspberries I brought for breakfast. I literally agonized over whether or not to eat them for an hour. So my solution? Eat them, but don't take insulin. Maybe then I'll keep losing weight.
I posted in the forum earlier this week. I honestly didn't intend for people to comment on the restricting of insulin. I just wanted to know how my blood sugar brought itself down.. People were saying I have an eating disorder. Saying that I have an eating disorder makes me feel like a 15 year old. It makes me feel embarrassed. When I think of an eating disorder it makes me think of a young girl who is doing it for attention. That's not me. I don't fit into that category.
Anyway, if you read all of this, I apologize for it being so long. I just needed an outlet and the anonymity of the internet is perfect. It's my secret in real life' but I needed to get my thoughts out.