I've been staying away from TuDiabetes for the last 3 or 4 weeks. You see, I've sort of been on a binge, and I feel like a hypocrite. I was the one trying to encourage everyone and suddenly I found myself standing on the edge of the precipice wondering if maybe I should just step off. Not like suicide, you know, but like doing all the things I fight so hard not to do on a daily basis--which for a diabetic is really a slower form of suicide. I've just been tired of fighting. I want to do what I want to do. And then I find myself on my pity pot with a bad case of the "Why Can't I Just Be Normal's?"
I know not all diabetics are like I am. Many of you don't struggle with sweets like I do. Many of you do. I am sometimes reluctant to talk about it, because there are a few here who stand in judgment of those who seem unable to control their baser passions. Some folks condemn me because I am a Type 2 diabetic, and what that says to many people who are not educated is that I brought this disease on myself. Never mind that my Grandmother had it, and my Mother had it, and her sister had it, and my little sister has it.
Having said that, I do take responsibility for the things I have done. I haven't always taken as good a care of myself as I should have. I have given in to that voice in my head too many times that says "It's ok, this time won't hurt." And then I hate myself afterwards, because I didn't have the intestinal fortitude to just say "No!" I used to hate Nancy Ragan for coining that phrase. "Just say no." I'm the one who grew up drinking and smoking dope. At the age of 18 I was sticking needles in my arms--not because I was diabetic--I was strung out on Crystal Meth. I went through treatment 7 times over 11 years for alcohol and drug abuse. And then I finally lost everything I had. Wife, children, job, house, all gone and the next step for me was a federal pen. Jails, institutions, and death, oh my! It was in a Chaplain's office in that penitentiary that I finally came to grips with the God of my understanding. When I left that place, I left the alcohol and drugs behind. And at some point I realized that all the "bad" things I gave up? I just replaced them with Blue Bell Ice Cream, Candy, Pies, and all manner of sugary sweets. What I discovered is that it was easier to give up the alcohol and drugs than it was to give up the sweets. You can abstain from drugs, but you can't abstain from food. Some of you would say that's a cop out, but you haven't been where I've been. I wonder what it's like to go through life and never crave sweets like I do.
I am a pastor, which makes it worse, because the world has conditioned most people to think that preachers have it all together. But I am only a man whom God called. I still have my thorn in the flesh. I still have my own struggles, and it's not always just a matter of simply saying yes or no. I weighed a 125 pounds when I got clean, and several years later I quit smoking and within a year I gained 50 lbs. At some point the sweet tooth began to creep in, and I really didn't think a whole lot about it for a long time. And I put on more weight, and the rest is history. At times I despise myself, because I can't seem to get where I want to be, and I envy those of you who don't seem to have the struggles I do. And I think about quitting mnistry, because I can't seem to gain the victory over the very thing that brings me down. I'm the one who encourages the folks in my church, as I have tried to do here. I started two different groups here to try and help people who just need someone to understand, someone to listen, someone who cares. And then I come crashing down, and I wonder who I think I am to pretend to even know how to help someone else when I obviously can't even help myself. My Pancreas no longer produces insulin, and a part of me thinks I helped bring that on, because I couldn't control my diet. One Dr. told me I burned my Pancreas out. He's probably right. But at this point it is what it is.
I don't mean to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I suppose I do, and I absolutely hate that. I'd rather get punched in the eye than to feel sorry for myself. The truth is, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally, I am where I am right now, and I know this too shall pass. But until then, I have to ride this out. I just needed to sound off. TuDiabetes is my home page, and every time I booted my pc up, I would click on another link because I didn't want to see all your successes when I feel like such a failure.
Please don't bash me--if you don't know where I'm coming from just try to understand. I came from a very dark place a long time ago, and God reached down and rescued me from the human garbage heap, and from time to time that old stuff comes creeping back in. How God could ever use a one such as I is beyond me. I'm thinking maybe I need to be in the nut house, instead of preaching the gospel.
But I'm certain God is not finished with me yet. I do love you guys, and if you are a praying person I covet your prayers.
Peace to All,