...but I have a hard time believing it. I've got wonderful friends, the most wonderful boyfriend any girl could ask for, a good relationship with my dad after many years of struggle, and a roof over my head. There is just something that I can't get over, that keeps me stuck in a rut...it makes me feel helpless...like I'm failing everyone. I know they don't think that way, but I've always been afraid of failure.

I've had my misfortune, who hasn't? My mom passed away when I was 12, my dad had a quadruple bypass that same year. a year later he was was in a horrible car accident and almost died himself, and maybe 6 months later I was diagnosed with type 1. I made it through all of that and I'm ok. I just can't seem to get a handle on my diabetes. I've had it since I was 13, but I can't get it...I don't get it...I will do well with testing my sugars, and try to eat the right things...I get plenty of exercise at work...but the first time I have a high sugar reading I quit testing. I've let myself down and I don't want to deal with it. I don't like to fail, and that's what it feels like. I try to talk to my friends about it, but they don't have diabetes and I can't explain how I feel to them. I love them to death, I just don't know how to get them to understand. I don't want to let myself down, and I don't want to hurt myself by not controlling my diabetes. I know that my life is good I just get down at times. I'm not depressed, don't get me wrong, I just don't know what to do. sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do.

Tonight, I try again.

Views: 3

Comment by Cody Turner on November 29, 2008 at 12:02am
Hang in there and keep on plugging on. Being diagnosed with diabetes is hard to deal with sometimes. Keep blogging and get your feelings out and ask for advice when needed. Sometimes lows and highs happen no matter what we do, we can do everything right and be high and do everything wrong and be low. Don't let the highs or lows get you down. Just remember diabetes doesn't control you or define who you are.
Comment by debb on November 29, 2008 at 6:39am
hi libbie,
i know what you mean. if i even think i'm going to fail at something i don't want to do it. when i was young i just wouldn't try new things. but as i got older i started realizing that to not do something is an instant failure. since i been dx'd with diabetes it magnified the problem for me. but after finding TuD and reading everyone stories and talking to all my new friends i have discovered that a high or a low isn't a failure, it's life. no one is perfect so we can't get perfect numbers every time. if it were a failure we would all be failing. with a few exceptions, of course. i now look at my high's or lows as a not so gentle reminder that i need to always TRY to stay on my game. if you look at it or at other things as a failure then that's what it is, but if you take a different approach and look at it as a small speed bump you take all that pressure off of yourself. give yourself a big break and just keep on plugging. remember even if you don't check your sugar, your doctor is and the a1c's don't lie. you might as well check and record your sugars, that way you might be able to abort a high from going higher or vice versa. that's more important then letting yourself feel like a failure. don't you think?
Comment by Gina on November 29, 2008 at 7:48am
Hi Libby, you are not the numbers! Like Cody says, D doesn't define who you are. I know it can be discouraging, but avoiding it altogether is doing yourself more harm than good. A friend (a wise one I might add ;) ) said "How can you expect yourself to be a pancreas?".

We have to take a deep breath and let the guilty or failure feeling go and take care of the BG results at hand... Good luck and "you are not the number!"
Comment by Sohair Abdel-Rahman on November 29, 2008 at 7:59am
You are pretty lucky as you have started and we are lucky to have you Libbie,full of hope and gratitude for the lovely poeple in your life.Failure would not dare come your way.....
Comment by Fabiana Couto on November 30, 2008 at 6:02pm
Hi libbie
I´m Fabiana, live in Brazil, and have 28 years old. I have diabetics since I was 12, so its with me for a long time.
I must say that I saw myself in your words. How hard is to feel that you´re not in the control... but that´s the point.... as Gna said, you´re not the numbers, you´re much more than that. You´re somebody who´s fighting for life, thats what we do every single day... and its a process, and you ca be sure that with patience, and acceptance you´ll get the best results. In my case, i wasted a long time to understand the meaning of diabetes in my life, but since i understood it, things werw much easier. I cant tell ou that i dont live the up´s and downs... but nowadays, with all technology in my favor, as he insulin pump, and my heart in peace, i have a good life, i feel good about doing my tests, and counting carbs, doing exercice, its all my routine... but acceptance is the key word. Dont be so critical about ourself, we make mistakes, and we´re here to learn. Count with me... Fabi - fabcouto@terra.com.br or fcouto3@its.jnj.com

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