Right about now if I were working, I'd be in the midst of taking phone calls, payments, solving problems, and handling some pretty important projects. That changed earlier this morning. I was told the note had come in and my leave of absence was effective immediately. There was a side of me that'd hoped it might come later, but that is the workaholic talking. And when I left the building to go home, it was as if something peaceful had taken hold.

"Go home and get better," someone told me on my way out the door. And she was right.

Yesterday I was travelling around with a friend and for the longest time I had spells where I was very dizzy. I thought for certain it was hypoglecmia but my sugars were normal. Then I looked and found that anemia can also cause those episodes. So much for thinking one thing and it being another (then again I never did anything normally). But when you are off medication for quite a while, your brain is not tuned into your body and your body doesn't give a damm what your brain is thinking in the first place.

So being a poorly controlled diabetic, suffering from anemia (and I don't know at this moment why or how I got that way), who doesn't outwardly appear to have kidney issues (eGFR was just a tick below normal), who is getting what he believes is now BETTER QUALITY care, and who admits his errors here, now faces some QT for me.

I posted the other day about how I was facing taking this leave and now it is here. Seems almost anticlimatic, but it will be for me the best thing I have done in a long time.

Because when you can not admit there is a problem and others begin to worry, you do nothing to help yourself. But when you admit there is a problem, and others worry and share support, you know there is hope.

Now given everything happening, I do not know where this journey is going to go. I just know right now, this instant, I am NOT the same person I was. I need that time to heal; to get back to the me who was productive at work, friendly to all, and better tuned into my body and its reactions.

Having diabetes does indeed suck, especially when you are man enough to admit you put yourself into this position. I can't blame anyone but myself for letting my health go. But I cannot let it go any further without anticipating what is next. Especially when your friends want to be sure you are there in the end. And they're right.

I'm sorry to those I have put into a precarious position with my health. It was truly never intended. But the act of denial can be a powerful, negative feeling that envelopes you.

So day one of my leave has begun. And I hope it leads to a better me.

Views: 10

Comment by CDEPat on February 28, 2011 at 7:36pm
You are to be commended for taking charge! A tough decision but a nobel effort! Don't look back except to remember why you're moving forward. Slow & steady wins the race. Do you have a diabetes educator for support?
Comment by Hismouse on February 28, 2011 at 7:49pm
Tomorrow is a New day, to take it and run with it, have some relaxing time, have some time to ponder and write what your plan is and goal is good too. And forget all the past of not taking care of you:) you will mend better if you let that go:) So no more beating your self up, and face the future with a Big Happy smile that you were Lucky enough to be given this time to do just that:)
Take steps to enjoy things that you haven't:) kinda the line" stop and smell the roses" :)

I am guessing you have Type 2 diabetes, am I correct?

I hope you have a good rest of the week, and let us know how your doing:) Debbie
Comment by latvianchick on February 28, 2011 at 11:10pm
Every day is a new day. I too am brittle diabetic type 1 and tend to put others before myself, which is rather silly really. Think of it. If you take time, even a few minutes a day to take care of yourself (I am speaking to myself here too!) and make sure that you are within normal ranges, neither too high or too low, then you would be far more likely to be more effective in what you are doing! Likewise, if you are anaemic, it is a sign that it is time to make the effort to work out what is going on, and treat it and get better in many ways.

I was extremely anaemic, feeling weak, dizzy, cold, breathless for quite some time until I was taken into hospital with a cyst on my pancreas and another on my spleen. When they did an endoscope to find out more, they discovered several bleeding stomach ulcers. I was given medication for these, had the spelic cyst removed and several blood transfusions and I felt soooo much better! Unfortunately they had not checked for diabetes until just before I was due to leave the hospital - and ended up staying two weeks longer! Once everything was dealt with I was far more energetic and clear in my mind and body. I was like a new woman!
I say go for it! You owe it to yourself, to your colleagues and your family!
Keep us posted!
Comment by latvianchick on February 28, 2011 at 11:15pm
Another point. Like you, I find it difficult to let go of things, work wise and get bored easily. But it is essential to take time to rest your body and mind. However, you need, for your santiy, to set yourself some tasks each day, even if it is to clean the car, or tidy a cupboard, go for a walk etc and learn to pace yourself. Do not beat yourself up if you have not got the energy or strength to finish what you set out to do. Stop when you need to. It will always be there tomorrow. Remind yourself that this is some YOU time and YOU are only going to get better if you look after yourself. Hard, I know!

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