Right about now if I were working, I'd be in the midst of taking phone calls, payments, solving problems, and handling some pretty important projects. That changed earlier this morning. I was told the note had come in and my leave of absence was effective immediately. There was a side of me that'd hoped it might come later, but that is the workaholic talking. And when I left the building to go home, it was as if something peaceful had taken hold.
"Go home and get better," someone told me on my way out the door. And she was right.
Yesterday I was travelling around with a friend and for the longest time I had spells where I was very dizzy. I thought for certain it was hypoglecmia but my sugars were normal. Then I looked and found that anemia can also cause those episodes. So much for thinking one thing and it being another (then again I never did anything normally). But when you are off medication for quite a while, your brain is not tuned into your body and your body doesn't give a damm what your brain is thinking in the first place.
So being a poorly controlled diabetic, suffering from anemia (and I don't know at this moment why or how I got that way), who doesn't outwardly appear to have kidney issues (eGFR was just a tick below normal), who is getting what he believes is now BETTER QUALITY care, and who admits his errors here, now faces some QT for me.
I posted the other day about how I was facing taking this leave and now it is here. Seems almost anticlimatic, but it will be for me the best thing I have done in a long time.
Because when you can not admit there is a problem and others begin to worry, you do nothing to help yourself. But when you admit there is a problem, and others worry and share support, you know there is hope.
Now given everything happening, I do not know where this journey is going to go. I just know right now, this instant, I am NOT the same person I was. I need that time to heal; to get back to the me who was productive at work, friendly to all, and better tuned into my body and its reactions.
Having diabetes does indeed suck, especially when you are man enough to admit you put yourself into this position. I can't blame anyone but myself for letting my health go. But I cannot let it go any further without anticipating what is next. Especially when your friends want to be sure you are there in the end. And they're right.
I'm sorry to those I have put into a precarious position with my health. It was truly never intended. But the act of denial can be a powerful, negative feeling that envelopes you.
So day one of my leave has begun. And I hope it leads to a better me.