Before you TL;DR, give it a shot. We may share a similar story :)
I've always been a pessimist. I grew up in a rocky home-situation for the majority of my young childhood, suffered from depression, and generally felt like the universe was against me; like it specifically had it out for me, and me alone. Really though, this isn't astonishing subject matter to most people living in the world today. Although, I've always had a roof over my head, food in my belly, and someone in my life who loved me. Journeying out of this "black-hole" of an existance was challenging, but ultimately I reached a point in my life where I was finally happy. I have a partner who loves me, finally a good relationship with my family, the OPPORTUNITY to go to college, and a network of friends whom I trust.
Then it hit again. About 1.5 years ago I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes; "Wait...is this even possible? I'm 21.." The diagnosis wasn't even a smooth transition. The night I was officially diagnosed was the scariest night of my life. Prior to rushing to the ER, I couldn't breathe, I was vomiting every hour (or more), and I felt like my organs were shutting down. When I went to stand up to finally be transported to the ER, I collapsed. The rest is blank until 3 days later. My doctors informed me I suffered "the most severe DKA episode they have seen", whatever that means (isn't altering your internal pH on any level severe?!). My BG reading was over 900, they really couldn't be more specific because it was so high. I was in a mini coma; also hooked up to more tubes, IV's, and monitors than I could count. I was continually told "how lucky" I was during my short 5 day stay in the ICU (I AMA'd myself due to college finals happening WHILE I WAS IN DKA UGHHH). They slapped the T1 label on me, told me they were unaware of the damage that had been done, told me not to leave, gave me a prescription for insulin, and I was out the door.
Still not real though. I finished out my semester of college with a semester GPA of 3.7. I survived a deadly situation and still pulled this off, I must be super-woman! In all reality, I was hopelessly in denial and refused to acknowledge the lifestyle changes that needed to occur. I tweaked my own I:C ratios and "kind of" watched what I ate. Hey, I survived the unsurvivable apparently, so, why not just keep using extra insulin to cover for the ridiculous amount of carbs I eat? Sounds like no big deal. The 50 lbs I lost prior to the DKA was quickly gained back, PLUS some from all of that extra insulin. Along with a constant zigzag of highs and lows; I was wearing down pretty quickly. After 3 months, I decided to finally see an endo. He completely ignored all of my personal issues, refused to look at me, and was completely disgusted with my 70lb weight gain. Uh oh, I feel you creeping back pessimism..
I waiting another 3 months to visit my PCP after the endo visit. My insulin was refilled and my necessities were provided. Now the depression hits. What have I done to my body? What did the DKA do? What is this constant zigzagging do? I'm so ashamed of my disorder. I'm not sure why, but I am. The depression lasted a long while and it took another 3 months to fully come to accept that T1 will be with me forever; I can either mope, or fight.
After a lot of pep talking myself, I decided to fight. I started setting up doctors appointments. Reaching out for help from other diabetes specialists. I've ultimately brought my A1C from 15% (they think) to a 7.4% BY MYSELF. I took charge of my life
I've recently started using an insulin pump and visit my local diabetes clinic once a month or more, my PCP every 2 months, and I'm in search of a quality endo. I still have my days where I feel the pessimism creeping up; I'm worried I'll go blind, or be on dialysis, or have cardiovascular issues down the road. It's a real possibility that we all face. However, with the help of this community, I've gained a new level of appreciation for life. This is NOT the end of the line for me, I have many years ahead of me filled with happiness (difficulties, but happiness as well). With T1, the only difference is, I have to make sure that happens; by being diligent in testing, BG control, and realizing when I need help. I'm fighting for myself, for my right to live a happy life. I now religiously eat 130 carbs or less per day (I find this works well for me), exercise 5x a week, and have lost 25 lbs of my 70 gained.
I'm doing this. I'm not going to be perfect (and neither is my BG :P) but I'm going to battle to live just as hard as T1 battles to destroy.
Feels good to just type all that out :)